


Break

by sesiran (Ayri)



Series: Broken [1]
Category: Not Safe For Fanders - Fandom, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Abuse tactics, Abused Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with an okay ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders has claustrophobia, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is Feral, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is an Artist, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders loses it, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Arguing, BDSM, BDSM Equiptment, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Begging, Biting, Blood, Blood and Violence, Blow Jobs, Broken Promises, Bruises, Burns, Cages, Clawing, Couldn't do my canon boys dirty by making one of them the villian, Cropping, Cruelty, Cutting, Disordered Eating, Dissociation, Dom/sub, Electroplay, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Face Punching, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, False Accusations, Financial Dependence on an Abuser, Flogging, Food, Gaslighting, Hallucinations, Heavy BDSM, Hickies, Hospitalization, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Jealousy, Jealousy Sanders is Named Zillah, Jealousy Sanders/Virgil Sanders in an Abusive Relationship, Kissing, Knives, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Coercion, Misleading, Money, Neck Kissing, Needles, Non-Consensual, Not Safe Sane and Consensual, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pain, Panic Attacks, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Porn With Plot, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Public Humiliation, Punishment, Rage, Rape/Non-con Elements, Re-opening Wounds, Revenge, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sarcasm, Scars, Sensory Deprivation, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Coercion, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Violence, Sleep Deprivation, Smut, Stabbing, Steve the Stove is a Nurse because why not, Subdrop, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, TPE 24/7, The Author Regrets Everything, Threats, Threats of Violence, Torture, Torture Porn, Total Power Exchange, Touch-Starved, Trapped, Violence, Virgil has no safe word and things do not go well for him, Wax Play, Whipping, Wounds, Zilla in Latin is jealousy and Zillah in greek is shadow so there you go, Zillah is a fucked up son of a bitch, lying, money issues, not safe for fanders, public bdsm scene, twist - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24087271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayri/pseuds/sesiran
Summary: Virgil loves his boyfriend. They've been together for a long time. He's not happy about lots of the things his boyfriend makes him do. But if it makes him happy, Virgil will do whatever is necessary. Well, up until a certain point, anyway.!abusive relationship! Torture Porn! Read the Tags! Not Safe for Fanders! Not Safe for Regular Humans!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Jealousy Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Broken [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760686
Comments: 158
Kudos: 245





	1. Another Place

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm off painkillers and my hormones and it makes me long for torture porn. I cannot stress enough that this story is extremely explicit, terrible, horrible, awful, and generally horrific. Virgil has a bad time. A very bad time. **Read the Tags if you want to consume this content and have triggers.** I finally went through and cleaned out some of the errors from when I deliriously uploaded this at 6 am.
> 
> If you happen to read torture+porn for that **cathartic powerful angst coping** , I hope you feel better about whatever thing you're suffering from that makes you need to read this nightmare. If you are under 18, please leave. 
> 
> Notice: This is not a realistic representation of a BDSM relationship or of TPE 24/7. Virgil is being abused under the guise of it being BDSM. He was tricked&coerced. While abusers have been known to prey the scene that does not mean that BDSM is abuse. Safe Sane & Consensual is the mantra and Zillah has never heard of it and Virgil has been gaslit into thinking it doesn't matter and tricked because he loves him.
> 
> **♪[Break Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/17jdndRy9Q7F6COOvHieTM?si=o6VI7pQ3TbOsZKRADvGNQw) ♪**

Virgil zipped up his black hoodie tight in the mirror, checking to make sure everything was in place. Hoodie covered almost everything. There was a small bruise near the cuts in his skinny jeans, but that was easily dismissible. He looked fine. He was fine.

“Where are you going?” Zi asked, lazily getting up from the bed and walking behind Virgil.

“I have coffee with Remus? Remember? You said I could go yesterday,” Virgil said, and Zi stepped up and pulled Virgil in roughly, hurting his marks from last night.

“I did,” Zi smirked. “You should have asked again, pet, but I _suppose_ I did already give you permission. Are you sure you don’t want to show him some of my handiwork?” Zi unzipped Virgil’s hoodie and yanked down the sleeve to reveal angry red marks on his neck.

“Master, we will be in _public_ ,” Virgil turned red and pulled the zipper back up.

“You could always invite him here if you can be quiet enough to not disturb me,” Zi cooed and tugged at Virgil’s hoodie to kiss the bruise on his neck. The jacket uncomfortably pressured his neck and choked him a little, but Zi didn’t loosen up.

“Not this time, Remus wants me to try this new place,” Virgil muttered and held his arm. He didn't like the house rules with guests over. He'd never invite anyone over.

“A guy could get jealous at talk like that, pet,” Zi looked intensely at Virgil in the mirror.

“You know I’m not into Remus. I love you,” Virgil said softly, trying to convince him.

“You know what would make me feel better?” Zi released Virgil’s hoodie, and he took a grateful breath of air. He walked over to the nightstand.

“What?” Virgil asked, turning to look. Zi pulled a thick metal collar out.

“Master, please, not the metal one. I’ll wear a leather one? Is that okay?” Virgil tried to convince him.

“You know you’re a slut who wants people to know,” Zi hissed. Virgil tensed up. 

“It’s just a coffee shop with Remus,” Virgil held up his hands, starting to panic. “I don’t want to invite him to touch me or anything, right?” Virgil said in desperation. He couldn’t wear that in public! The leather one was passable as fashion, but the metal one was obvious.

“You’re so _smart_ ," Zi said sarcastically. “Probably a plain one, so people know you’re mine but don’t look at you and know the kinds of filthy things you get up to and get tempted, right?” Zi put down the metal collar and pulled out a leather one.

“Yeah,” Virgil muttered and stiffly held the bottom of his hoodie. Zi slipped it on and locked it closed with a small keyed padlock. If he wore his hoodie up, it should cover the lock. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Zi wants this.

“Why do you look so worried? Changed your mind about coffee?” Zi yanked Virgil’s collar and pulled him toward him.

“No, I still want to see Remus. I just don’t want to make you jealous,” Virgil explained. “Can I touch you, master?”

“Sure, pet,” Zi smirked. Virgil reached around to hug Zi and he returned the gesture. It was so soft and wonderful and Virgil felt much safer. Zi stroked Virgil’s hair, and he sighed and put his head on Zi’s chest. “I’m busy, but I suppose I can reschedule something to go with you,” Zi said bitterly.

“No!” Virgil shot. “No, you’re so busy. You don’t have to get behind schedule on my account. Do you want me to bring you back a coffee? I don’t know if it’s good yet, or anything,” Virgil said imploringly.

“That will do. You know how I like it,” Zi smirked. Virgil actually didn’t know how Zi liked it. He changed it so often. Virgil would just have to hope for the best.

“Bye, master. Will you be at work when I get back?” Virgil asked submissively.

“Yes, so don’t disturb me. Drop off the coffee and leave,” Zi waved his hand dismissively.

“Yes, master,” Virgil mumbled and headed out to the lockbox they left his keys and wallet in and the lock was still on it. “Master? I can’t get my wallet,”

“Oh, pet, that’s not how we ask for things,” Zi said sternly, stepping out of the bedroom and crossing his arms.

“Would you please unlock the box and let me leave, master?” Virgil dropped to his knees and looked at the floor, careful not to move. Zi reached down and tugged at his collar, pulling him up into a rough kiss, then shoved him back down. Zi reached into his pocket for the key and unlocked the box. “Thank you, master,” Virgil said, pulling himself back into position.

“Get up, pet, you can leave. If you’ll be back later than discussed, you need to video call me with your excuse,” Zi said stiffly.

“Yes, master,” Virgil muttered.

“What was that?” Zi shot angrily.

“Yes, master!” Virgil said much louder, feeling extremely embarrassed.

“You’re so cute when you’re all pink, kitten. I almost want to tie you up and not let you leave. But I’m busy and you’d distract me again. Don’t have too much fun with Remus,” Zi chuckled and headed to his home office. Virgil grabbed his things and shot out of the house like a bullet before Zi could change his mind. Virgil didn’t mean to distract him. He was just bringing Zi his food like he always did. But that didn’t matter. Virgil slipped up his hood and jogged over to the bus stop to catch a ride, texting Remus that he’d be a little late.

—

“Virgey!” Remus shouted and jogged up to the bus stop Virgil just exited at and pulled him into a hug. It hurt all of his fresh marks, and he accidentally hissed in pain. “Geez, what’s up your dickhole?” Remus pouted.

“I… you _know_ Zi doesn’t like people touching me,” Virgil said nervously, looking around to make sure nobody saw.

“He’s not here, you dingbat. Come on, you’re gonna love this coffee. It’s basically an oreo milkshake. And they have dirt and worms, it’s like kid dessert for brunch,”

“That sounds awesome,” Virgil beamed.

“I’ll get you the first round of pudding but the second one’s on you,” Remus offered brightly.

“You think it’s that good, huh?” Virgil chuckled and slid his hands in his hoodie pockets, following Remus to the coffee shop.

“I _know_ it is!” Remus took Virgil’s hand and pulled him in. Virgil panicked again, making sure Zi wasn’t nearby and pulling his hand back out. “You _wound_ me, emo,”

“Sorry,” Virgil muttered.

“Go steal us one of those tables with the nice chairs, I’ll get the coffee,” Remus pointed to a table with pleather chairs. Virgil nodded and headed over to sit down at the table and wait. It was very Instagram-bait in here with all the neon signs and weird kitschy decorations. Virgil adjusted his hoodie and hid his hands in his pockets again, nervously tapping his foot while he waited for Remus to get there.

“Thanks for waiting, nerd,” Remus smirked and slid a dirt and worms Virgil’s way. Remus tossed a spoon at Virgil and he just barely caught it. He turned around and picked up the two coffee-milkshakes from the counter and passed one to Virgil across the table as he sat down.

“Thanks for dessert,” Virgil smiled, taking the plastic lid off the pudding and taking a bite.

“Well?” Remus asked expectantly.

“How is the pudding so fluffy, oh my god,” Virgil said appreciatively.

“It’s basically chocolate mousse,” Remus picked up his cup and also started enjoying his own cup of pudding.

“I love it, but there’s no way I can get two along with this milkshake,” Virgil laughed.

“What’s stopping you?”

“It’s so many calories!” Virgil said incredulously.

“You’re a stick, Virgil, you could use a spare five hundred calories,” Remus looked accusingly at Virgil.

“Tastes like nine hundred,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“It is that decadent!” Remus cooed. “So, I haven’t seen you in forever. Work been keeping you busy?”

“Yeah, the part-time temp job at the office has been close to the full-time territory. They might hire me for real, though,” Virgil sighed. “I’m running out of time to work on my other job at home, so I don’t even know if I want that. How about you?”

“Oh, no busier than usual,” Remus shrugged.

“I still think you have the best job on the planet,” Virgil leaned back and picked up his milkshake-coffee.

“It is! I just wanna kidnap all those good boys!” Remus said, pinching some nonexistent cheeks in the air. “I’ll let you know if there’s ever a job opening. I know you don’t mind a little biting,” Remus winked and Virgil turned red.

“Ream!” Virgil hissed.

“Oh, everybody’s too self-absorbed to be listening,” Remus waved dismissively. “Speaking of, how’s Zillah treating you?”

“ _Fine_ ,” Virgil said tersely.

“ _Touchy_! Well, whatever. How’s arting?” Remus shrugged slightly and slurped up a worm.

“It’s _going_ , which is much better than I can say about last month,” Virgil sighed. “But I think I’ll make enough to stay afloat,”

“Doesn’t Zillah make a lot of money?” Remus asked curiously.

“We’re not married or anything,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Eh, fair. Logi’s been treating me good,” Remus said, crossing his legs.

“Oh, that’s awesome. I wasn’t sure you were still dating. You two are kind of like… well, questionably compatible sometimes,” Virgil said with a little grimace.

“He’s a cute little science nerd and loves that I want to science all the things with him. We did that bouncy ball egg trick last week,” Remus said proudly.

“Please don’t tell me you ate it,” Virgil groaned and rubbed his head.

“You’ll be happy to know he stopped me!” Remus beamed.

“Oh, he’s good for you then. I approve,” Virgil laughed.

“Maybe we could double date sometime,” Remus sucked up a gummy worm.

“I… don’t know about that,” Virgil rubbed his arm and mumbled.

“What, it’s not like I’m gonna throw you in a lava pit or something,” Remus laughed nervously, looking sheepish.

“I knew you were joking even if you freaked me out,” Virgil sighed and waved it away.

“Still, I feel bad about giving you a panic attack,” Remus admitted hourly.

“It was ages ago, it’s so under the bridge that the river washed it away,” Virgil said dismissively and ate a gummy worm.

“Oh, I like that phrase. I'm stealing it. We could go hiking or something, just like we used to. It’s a nice double date!” Remus smiled and gestured widely.

“You know I’ll have to ask Zi,” Virgil said seriously. “Maybe next weekend?”

“Yeah, let me know if he’s willing to come out. We could always go hike without him,” Remus leaned back and ate another gummy worm.

“Maybe,” Virgil rubbed his head awkwardly. He knew Zi wouldn’t let him out alone with two other guys. He barely let him out to see Remus.

“Woah, somebody had _fun_ last night,” Remus laughed.

“What are you talking about?” Virgil asked contrarily. Remus pointed to his wrist with a knowing smirk. Virgil stared at Remus’s wrist before checking his own. He saw nothing out of the ordinary. “What?”

“Your sleeve slipped up when you rubbed your hood, dork. I saw the marks,” Remus laughed. Virgil angled up his arm slightly and saw the sleeve slip and reveal the rope marks from earlier this afternoon and blushed wildly, putting down his milkshake and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “It’s not a big deal, Virge, you don’t have to be all embarrassed by it. We _met_ at a kink event,”

“ _Sh_!” Virgil shot.

“People still aren’t paying any attention to us, but if it makes you happy,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“I need a tighter hoodie,” Virgil muttered. If this giant loose one slid around again and showed anyone else, he’d have a heart attack.

“Oh, I’ll take us to the mall. I need a new belt and I want one just fuckin’ covered in spikes,” Remus offered. Virgil pulled out his phone to check the time.

“Yeah, I still have like an hour before I have to be back. Let me order a drink for Zillah,” Virgil said, getting up and heading back over to the counter. Zi hated things that were too sweet, so Virgil just got him a mocha with sea salt. Virgil sat back down and continued in on his pudding while he waited for the drink.

“Let’s go to that store that’s teenager shoplifting bait. They have a cool hoodie and a spiky belt for sure,” Remus leaned against the counter on one foot.

“Yeah, sure. Can you get me back home before four?” Virgil asked, concerned.

“Yeah, no problem. It’s just two items. Just let me know if we’re pushing it, you know I get distracted,” Remus said. Virgil nodded and appreciated the last few bites of his mousse-pudding. “They have fun other stuff in the back, too, maybe I’ll grab one for Logan,” Remus laughed.

“What, did you break the stuff you already have?” Virgil asked incredulously and raised his eyebrow.

“He’s been wanting to take one apart, and he’s not touching my babies like that,” Remus said protectively.

“Your babies have seen way worse, I’m sure,” Virgil laughed.

“Come on, I want to browse a bit, we can finish our milkshakes in the car,” Remus said, getting up and picking up their empty pudding cups to put away. Virgil got up and waited near the counter for Zi’s drink and they headed out to Remus’s car. Virgil slid Zi’s drink in the cup holder and worked on finishing his milkshake while Remus drove and ranted about the cute dogs at his work. He’d have to only have toast for dinner to not gain weight from this monstrosity. He’s got to be more careful about letting Remus pick where to grab a bite. It was a godsend, though. All the chocolate and sugar with the crunchy cookies was mana from heaven after weeks of the same sugar-less stuff and Zi tying him up earlier today.

“Jeez, I should give you more sugar, you look like you might come in your pants from happiness,” Remus laughed.

“No, it’s just been a long day already. I don’t need more sugar. This is already way too many calories,” Virgil groaned.

“Your weight is fine, counting calories that anally isn’t healthy,” Remus rolled his eyes. “I should shove some in you just so you remember how wonderful food is,” Virgil sucked up the last of the milkshake and used the straw to dig the fallen cookie bits out of the cup.

“I clearly already remember,” Virgil chuckled as he drank the soggy cookie pieces. “Let us enter the fray,” Virgil said resolutely in a low announcer voice. He unbuckled his seatbelt to get out and head into the mall.

“Yeah!” Remus cried triumphantly, following Virgil.

—

“This hoodie is your style, Virge,” Remus held out a purple plaid one from the rack. “It’s a small, so it probably won’t slip around. Try it on,” Remus urged and shoved the jacket in Virgil’s hands.

“I’ve… I’ve got more than _just_ the rope marks, Ream,” Virgil whispered nervously. “There’re kids in here,”

“Oh, dang. Well, let’s get you a fitting room, then. What did you get up to last night, you naughty minx?” Remus raised his eyebrow maliciously.

“Still none of your business,” Virgil hissed.

“Rude,” Remus laughed, headed up to the counter. “Can we get a dressing room? One item,” Remus leaned against it. The staff member came around and unlocked the door for Virgil. He headed in and slipped off his other hoodie to try it on. He raised his arms, and the sleeve gripped enough that it didn’t drop. It pulled up and show his stomach, though, but as long as he didn’t raise his arms all the way up it wasn’t a big deal. Plus, he really liked how it looked. Less like the hoodie was wearing him and more like he was wearing it as a fashion choice and not a poor excuse to hide cuts and bruises.

“It fits, and it looks good. Nice choice,” Virgil called through the door and put back on his old hoodie.

“Great! I found a belt that could impale baby chickens, so let’s check out the back wall,” Remus chuckled. Virgil came out of the dressing room rolling his eyes.

“What a _great_ requirement for belts,” Virgil said sarcastically. He followed Remus to the back, but his eye caught on a ring he thought Zi would like. It was chunky and had a red shiny stone in it. It was the kind of ring that would really hurt to get bitch slapped by, but the band was leather and as long as he didn’t get backhanded it wouldn’t hurt. He probably wouldn’t get backhanded by it. Hopefully. Zi would like it, so maybe it was worth it. Virgil grabbed it and joined Remus at the back wall.

“It’s so hard to pick,” Remus whined.

“Just get him a cheapo bullet. He’s just going to take it apart,” Virgil suggested, pointing to the cheapest piece of shit on the wall.

“Yeah, but now I want one for me!” Remus slouched dramatically.

“How about that one that looks like a tentacle? I mean all the toys here are probably shit here, but that one’s at least funny. It says it wriggles,” Virgil pointed up to it.

“Oh, excellent point. Maybe I should get Logan two in case the first one breaks,” Remus said thoughtfully. “Are you going to get anything for you and Zi?” Remus asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I don’t prefer to encourage him,” Virgil grumbled. “He gets a little excitable sometimes,”

“That’s what safe words are for,” Remus laughed, looking at a plain plastic vibrator.

“Y-yeah,” Virgil winced when he stammered accidentally and shifted his feet awkwardly, bracing his arms at his sides. “ _Still_ , I’d rather not waste my money on something that might break after 5 uses. I think these are all technically novelty joke items,” Virgil made an excuse.

“Yeah, we must hit up a porn store sometime. I love laughing at all the dildos, nothing makes my afternoon quite like it,” Remus laughed, putting the vibrator with his belt and grabbing a bullet vibe.

“I’m not sure Zi would let me,” Virgil looked away awkwardly. “Holy shit, Ream, you have to buy this,” Virgil pulled a mug off the shelf that said ‘My other Girlfriend is a Tentacle Monster’. “It would go with the dumb tentacle vibrator,”

“Oh my god, I absolutely will!” Remus beamed and grabbed the mug and the tentacle. “I’m just going to put the vibrator in the mug and leave it as a decoration on my desk,” Remus grinned mischievously. “Logan would hate it,”

“Are you trying to get your ass kicked?” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Of course!” Remus snickered playfully. Why Remus would do that to himself he could never understand. “Do we have enough time to go to the import store?” Remus asked, gathering all his things and heading to the counter. Virgil followed him and checked his phone.

“If we can get in and out in under 10 minutes. Why?” Virgil asked, sliding his phone back in his pants.

“I broke a mug in my tea set and need a replacement. I just remembered and we’re already here,” Remus replied and motioned with his head.

“Sounds good,” Virgil nodded and waited to make his purchases behind Remus.

They headed quickly over to the import store with their opaque bags in hand and Remus bee-lined to some key chains.

“Hey, fuck for brains, teacups,” Virgil groaned, pulling at Remus’s leather jacket. Remus didn’t budge, though.

“There’s a little Totoro key chain here! I’m buying it for you!” Remus said, holding up the key chain in question. It was a vinyl figure and was holding the leaf umbrella.

“You don’t have to buy anything for me,” Virgil mumbled but couldn’t stop a brief smile when he looked at it.

“Yeah, I already know you love it, shut up and accept my love,” Remus smiled.

“Fine, I love it and thanks for wasting your money on me or whatever,” Virgil grumbled and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Let’s get your replacement mug and get out of the mall. The stupid anti-loitering pitch is getting to me,”

“It’s so weird that you can still hear that. You’re not a teenager anymore,” Remus said, almost sounding in awe.

“What’s really weird is trying to annoy their main demographic out of spending money at the mall,” Virgil grunted.

“Hey, _yeah_ ,” Remus said, sounding indignant. Virgil pushed him towards the display of teacups so they could get out of here.

—

“I had fun, Virge!” Remus called from his car, waving from his rolled-down window. “Text me! See if we can do that double date next weekend!” He said and drove off. Virgil jogged up to the door with his bag and Zi’s coffee in hand. He got back 10 minutes early, so he won’t be in trouble. Thank god. Virgil unlocked the door and walked silently through the house. Virgil put his keys and wallet back down in the box and dropped off the bag next to the laundry room before heading into Zi’s office with the coffee. He slid it on the desk silently and tip-toed back out. He was sugar crashing hard from Remus’s idea of brunch and wanted to go lie down. He didn’t have permission to lay in bed, so he laid back on the couch and closed his eyes.


	2. I am Bound to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last chance to bailout  
> You have been sufficiently warned
> 
> I mean it, if you have triggers, check the tags because there is no going back the first sentence in.

Virgil woke to a loud, high-pitched screech and held his ears, rolling off the couch and slamming into the floor, thrashing. He scrunched his eyes closed tight and tried to block it out as hard as he could, but it felt like it was vibrating in his teeth.

“Slave, why is this _cold_?” Zi spat and threw the coffee at him, splashing coffee all over him.

“It was still warm when I put it on your desk, Master, I _swear_ ,” Virgil said through gritted teeth, his ears still ringing from the dog whistle.

“If it was hot, it’d still be warm,” Zi growled. “Why wasn’t it hot when you got home?”

“I… went to the mall with Remus to go buy a new hoodie,” Virgil scrambled into position on his knees on the floor and looked down. “This one is getting kind of big,”

“And you didn’t bother to ask your master if you had permission to go?” Zi hissed and kicked him in the side. Virgil tried to breathe through it, but Zi’s wingtip dug in and stung.

“I’m sorry, master! I didn’t think!” Virgil choked and gripped his legs, locking eyes with the floor.

“No, you fucking didn’t,” Zi hissed through his teeth and yanked Virgil up by the back of the collar and dragging him into the bedroom. Virgil choked and gripped the collar from the front to stop himself from suffocating.

“I don’t have fucking time for this slave. What are you supposed to say?” Zi spat.

“I’ve been bad and need punishing, sir,” Virgil choked out.

“Yes, you _have_ ,” Zi snarled and pulled out a pair of cuffs from the chest, snapping them on to Virgil. “How long do you deserve, pet?” Zi hissed.

“An hour?” Virgil squeaked out. He had to make dinner soon.

“Let’s make it three, just to be _sure_ you learn your lesson,”

“Please, master, _no_ , I’m so sorry,” Virgil pleaded as Zi hooked Virgil up to the bar.

“You’re in no place to be begging for mercy, slave. Take your punishment silently and maybe I’ll be lenient later,” Zi hissed into his ear and it pulled Virgil off the floor as he raised the bar. He was just barely able to stand on the tip of his toes from that height. He sobbed quietly and nodded. “Good pet,” Zi grabbed Virgil’s collar and pulled down and Virgil’s shoulders screamed in pain, but he bit it back with just a raw and pained noise in his throat.

Zi scowled at him one last time before leaving the bedroom and closing the door behind him with a slam. Virgil tried his damnedest to stand on his toes to take the pressure off his rotator cuff, but he only just barely reached. His calves started burning quickly and his feet started cramping up and he had to drop them to take a break, yanking his shoulders slowly out of the socket, even if he reached up to hold the chains and lift himself.

Virgil went back and forth between standing until it hurt too much to stand and hanging until it hurt too much to hang. By the time Zi came back, he had run out of tears to cry and his shoulders were completely dislocated. Zi unhooked the cuffs from the bar silently, and Virgil crumpled in a heap on the ground.

“What do we say, pet?” Zi cooed.

“Thank you for punishing me master,” Virgil choked out between silent sobs. Zi kicked him on to his stomach and reached down for an arm, putting his foot on Virgil’s back and yanking. Virgil bit down on his lip so hard it bled and stifled a scream in his throat as Zi relocated it. Virgil curled into himself after Zi relocated and released his other arm, sobbing tearlessly into the carpet.

“Dinner is late because of your disobedience. Make it quick. You must be punished for that, too,” Zi spat on him and kicked him swiftly in the side before leaving the bedroom again. Virgil struggled to catch his breath and wobbled up to his feet and hurried to the kitchen to make Zi’s dinner.

—

Virgil kneeled on the floor while Zi ate dinner, staring at his hands on his knees. Virgil wasn’t allowed to eat, but that was fine. He wouldn’t have been able to eat much, anyway. He was much more afraid of what would come later. If anything, not being allowed to eat was a gift. He would be less likely to throw up. Zi hadn’t decided yet, which meant he was coming up with something involved. Sometimes those could be fun, but Zi always took it too far and too hard and too much. Virgil really fucked up today.

“So is there anything else you forgot to tell me about your outing with Remus?” Zi asked and Virgil sat stiffly.

“We got coffee, went to the mall, I bought a hoodie and a present for you, then I went home,” Virgil supplied, swallowing.

“You bought me a gift? Go get it,” Zi said and Virgil got up, his knees creaking in protest and pulled the ring out of the shopping bag he left in the laundry room. Virgil shifted back into position next to Zi on the floor and held up the ring while looking to the floor. “Cute. Cheap, but I do like it. Thank you, my pet,” He said silkily and Virgil heard him rip open the packaging. “Even though you were careless and didn’t ask me permission, I like that you thought of me,” He said and pet Virgil’s head. Virgil felt a little hopeful at Zi’s lighter tone and gentle touch. “Go get ready in the bedroom,” He said more sternly and Virgil complied as quickly as his loudly protesting joints would let him.

Virgil stripped down and kneeled down on the floor where he was just strung up earlier, as much as it physically pained him to do so. At least he wasn’t hanging from the ceiling. He knew he deserved this, but he was so tired from the first punishment and still scared. Any of the potential fun of doing a scene was destroyed hours ago. Not that scenes with Zi were usually fun. He just wanted to go to bed. He didn’t even care if he had to sleep on the floor.

“Close your eyes, pet,” Zi said as he sauntered into the bedroom. Virgil closed his eyes and exhaled. He had to be ready for this. Zi tied a blindfold tightly on to him and Zi yanked him by the collar. Virgil scrambled up and let Zi lead him across the room. Zi shoved his face down on the bed and took his cuffs and strapped him face down on the bed. Oh, thank god he’d get to lie down. He would have been punished harder if he ended up collapsing. Zi connected cuffs to his legs as well. “Do you need a gag, pet, or can you be quiet?”

“Please gag me, master,” Virgil pleaded. He didn’t think he could be quiet any longer. There was no way Zi was holding back today. Zi rammed a silicone gag in Virgil’s mouth and tightened it around his head. The first lash of the crop came without warning and Virgil slammed his face down into the bed to keep from screaming out from around the gag. He inhaled sharply through his nose and listened to Zi stalking around the bed.

“You know why I’m doing this, pet?” Zi cooed and lashed into Virgil’s back again. Virgil cried out into the gag and nodded furiously. “Tell me,” He snarled and lashed Virgil on his shoulders, causing him to tense and scream again. Zi was must have been breaking the skin it hurt so badly.

“Ba’” Virgil choked out from around the gag.

“What was that? Speak up!” Zi lashed him again.

“Bad!” Virgil barely was able to enunciate around the gag.

“Yes, you were bad,” Zi cropped him on the other shoulder this time. Virgil bit down into the gag and breathed harshly through his nose. “You didn’t get permission to go to the mall and made dinner late. You were very bad,” Zi pulled Virgil’s head off the bed by his hair. “But your gift was very cute so when I give you permission to come tonight. But not until after I’m done with you and I say you can,” Zi lashed his calf and if there wasn’t a gag, Virgil might have bitten through his tongue. “What do we say?”

“’Hank oo mas’er,” Virgil garbled out around his gag.

“Good pet,” Zi cooed and started cropping him in earnest. He was unrelenting despite anything Virgil cried out to stop or even dissuade him. The cool apartment air burned on his welts and the warmth on his back told Virgil he was bleeding from some marks. The ones on his shoulders hurt the worst. They wracked his damaged muscles in a way they couldn’t reconcile. The only thing Virgil could process was pain, and there were no thoughts or words anymore, just burning and stinging. Zi lifted up his hips, and his limbs pulled against the restraints. He strapped something cold and hard to the base of his cock and he shivered involuntarily. Zi pulled Virgil’s face out of the bed by his hair again and whispered in his ear.

“Remember, pet, no coming,” He hissed and the cold plastic started vibrating against him and his whole body tensed from the sudden sensation. Zi took that to his advantage and lashed against his taught muscles, and Virgil cried out in pain into the mattress again. Virgil’s brain felt like it was melting as Zi kept up his cropping punishment. He couldn’t do a single thing but react and struggle instinctively. A scalding pain dripped on to one of his welts and Zi rammed inside of him in the same moment, and his scream sounded more like an animal than anything human. Zi pounded into him and dripped more hot wax on to Virgil’s welts, and Virgil bit down so hard on his gag that his jaw was going numb. The sensations were too much, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out, either from not coming or just plain passing out. Zi bottomed out in Virgil and a deep groan of pleasure cracked through Virgil’s pain while Zi growled and came inside of him. Virgil’s head swam for a moment, trying to hold himself back.

“Come,” Zi snarled and slammed inside of Virgil one more time, and Virgil screamed desperately into the bed as he let go and an orgasm shot through him. Virgil shivered as he collapsed against the bed, a twitching mess. Zi hissed in pleasure and slapped Virgil’s ass after he withdrew, but Virgil was way too far gone to feel things anymore.

“Clean up and change the sheets. You can sleep on the couch after you pick everything up,” Zi said and unhooked Virgil from the bed. Virgil took a bit to muster the strength to move after Zi crawled off and it sounded like he went into the bathroom. He struggled to keep his eyes open and might have lost consciousness briefly. He had no way of knowing how long Zi punished him, so there was no point in checking the time to find out. Virgil carefully reached behind his head to unclip the gag first, then shift off the blindfold, and the bullet vibe strapped to him. Virgil had to stretch his jaw painfully a few times and stretched out his muscles as carefully as he could before unhooking everything. Zi must have unlocked his collar at some point, because he could take that off, too. If Zi punished him for blacking out, he didn’t feel it.

Virgil put the cuffs and things away stiffly and stripped the bed to take it to the laundry room and loaded it into the stuff to wash. He shivered and held himself as he headed into the hall bath. He just wanted to be held and told he was forgiven, and that everything would be okay. If Zi left him any hot water, he could at least have that. He involuntarily shuddered plenty of times while in the shower. The hard part would be washing the wax out of the welts, and he was already shaking. This didn’t bode well for him.

Virgil tentatively grabbed the back brush and put some soap on it, then brushed. It was so incredibly painful and raw that Virgil bit his lip, tasting the metallic blood in his mouth from when he broke open earlier. Something between a snarl and a whine of pain came from him as he carefully tried to scrub the wax out of the welts. If he didn’t get it all out, it would be an enormous mess and Virgil pushed himself to scrub harder until no more wax came off on the brush. He sobbed again in relief when the bristles finally came back clean.

Virgil took a wet rag to the living room and tried to clean up any of the coffee that dripped off of him. There was a spot on the couch he’d have to steam out, but otherwise, it was blessedly easy to clean up after. He was glad his hoodie absorbed most of it and that they had tile floors. Well, he wasn’t happy about the tile when he had to sleep on it. But when he came to clean up the living room, that made it easy. Getting wax out of the carpet in the bedroom was always a mess.

Virgil finished up washing and grabbed fresh sheets as he slowly made his way back to the bedroom to get on some pajamas and dress the bed. Virgil picked something very, very loose, and soft for all the irritated and raw welts still on his back. While he was finishing making the bed, Zi passed by and hit his ass, and Virgil bit back another pained noise in his throat.

“It sounds like you had fun in the shower, pet. I could hear you in my office,” Zi said silkily.

“I’m sorry, master,” Virgil said sorrowfully. It hurt so bad and he was so damn exhausted and he just couldn't stop the pained noises from leaking out.

“As long as you didn’t come again without my permission,” Zi said warningly.

“ _No_! No! Never, master!” Virgil shot quickly, terrified of being punished for that again.

“I believe you, but only because you did so well tonight,” Zi cooed. “I’ve changed my mind, you can sleep in here with me,” Zi said blithely.

“Thank you, master,” Virgil said softly. “Did I earn a hug?” Virgil asked nervously.

“I think so, pet,” Zi said, sitting on the bed and holding open his arms. Virgil went in and desperately nestled in for contact. “Don’t be greedy, Virgil, or I’ll change my mind,” Zi said, drawing a nail down Virgil’s back and Virgil hissed in pain as it passed the raw welts. “You sound so lovely I almost want to go again. You’re an awful temptress,” Zi said fairly.

“I’m sorry master,” Virgil held back a sob and kept holding on to Zi, fanatically longing for some gentle touches and contact. The contact almost burned, but Virgil couldn’t bring himself to pull away, even when Zi dragged another nail across Virgil’s welts under his shirt. He felt Zi stiffen again under him as he held on and despaired. Virgil couldn’t do it again. He just couldn’t. But Zi wouldn’t stop clawing at his wounds and Zi kept getting harder every time a slight noise escaped Virgil’s attempts to quell them.

“You’ve just been so good, pet, I can’t help but want to reward you,” Zi said with a low voice smirked darkly down at Virgil. Virgil swallowed and stared up at him in fear. “Suck it,” He demanded and pushed Virgil off his lap. Virgil fell to his knees and held his face. He was so tired. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep. “What’s the delay, pet, not interested in a _treat_?” Virgil shook his head and kneeled in front of Zi and pulled out his hard cock and started stroking it to the best of his ability. His jaw hurt so bad, but he had to try.

Virgil took the tip into his mouth and started bobbing his head, sucking and working the bottom of his shaft with his tongue. Zi hissed in delight and gripped Virgil’s hair as he sucked, lifting Virgil’s shirt and scratching at the welts. Virgil was getting dizzy, he couldn’t do this, he would get punished for doing a bad job. Zi groaned and his cock twitched in Virgil’s mouth. He was close. Maybe he could do this. Virgil sucked harder, desperately just trying to finish him off.

Zi growled and grabbed Virgil’s hair with both hands and started fucking his face. The motion was making him dizzy, but he was so glad to not have to move as much anymore and just focused on not choking and trying to create suction. Zi shot in the back of his throat and Virgil gagged slightly as Zi shoved Virgil down to the base. He finally released him, and Virgil fell back, coughing to get back his air.

“You did a _suitable_ job, pet. Clean me up,” Zi purred. Virgil took a deep breath and lapped up any remnants before tucking the finally soft member back into Zi’s pajama pants. “4 times in one day. Aren’t you the little slutty succubus?” Zi said chidingly. No. Virgil didn’t want any of this. Zi was just insatiable.

“’M sorry master,” Virgil sat back on the floor and a yawn hurt the shit out of his jaw.

“Come on to the bed, pet,” Zi pat the spot next to him. Virgil crawled up obediently and Zi pulled him in for a kiss on his lap. And it was so wonderful, paired with gentle touches and never stretched his sore jaw. Virgil melted with a sigh into him and pressed into him. “Now, now, pet, I don’t want to have to take another shower,” Zi chided but bit into Virgil’s neck. Virgil groaned, but his body was too tired to react. Zi started sucking right behind his ear and pulled away with a pop as he made another hickey. Virgil would have to wear a massive scarf on Monday. Zi kissed the spot gently and let go of Virgil, pushing him towards the bed. Virgil crawled to the bottom of the bed and collapsed. He was too tired to get his blanket or pillow. He’d have to get them later.

“You can come under the sheets with me tonight,” Zi said, moving from the edge of the bed to stand up.

“Really?” Virgil asked hopefully. He must have done well if Zi was in a cuddly mood for once.

“You are so needy, but I _suppose_ you’ve earned it for once,” Zi said dismissively. Virgil could have cried in relief.

“Thank you so much, master,” The way Virgil said it, it almost sounded like a lament instead of anything joyful.

“You can join me under the blankets when I come to bed. Stay at the foot of the bed until then,” Zi said and tossed Virgil’s blanket at him. He was being so nice. With a blanket and everything. Virgil was so cold. He nestled under the blanket and passed out, holding his blanket as a lifeline.

-

“Get up, slave,” Zi hissed into Virgil’s ear. Virgil jumped from his sleep and looked around to see Zi grinning in his face. Zi pulled him in for a kiss before Virgil even knew what was happening, and he had to fight a panic that was roiling just under the surface. He wasn’t allowed to have panic attacks, he had to keep it together, he’d be okay. Virgil kissed back to the best of his ability, but he was too terrified to do it right, the way Zi taught him. He wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t good enough. Oh, god- “God, you’re so _hot_ when you’re scared,” Zi muttered into Virgil’s lips. “I’m going to bed and you will join me,” Zi let Virgil’s face go and Virgil dropped to the bed and held himself, shaking.

“That wasn’t a _request_ , pet,” Zi snarled and Virgil shot up and came around the bed to lie down. Zi pulled Virgil in. He couldn’t stop shaking, he had to stop shaking. Zi pressed a soft kiss into Virgil’s hair and he calmed down. Zi would take care of him. Zi was here. Zi cared for him. He’d be okay. Zi loved him. “Roll on to your side,” Zi said, pushing Virgil, and he rolled with his back facing Zi. Zi pulled him back in and slotted himself against Virgil. Virgil sighed and cradled Zi’s hand. The contact felt so nice. The welts were too hot from Zi’s body heat, but he didn’t care. He was tired, he finally earned cuddling, and he got to sleep in the bed. Zi exhaled gently into Virgil’s hair and Virgil managed to calm down enough to drift back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god fuck zillah with a hot candlestick amirite


	3. Don't Make Promises to me

Virgil’s alarm went off and he reached out to silence it quickly before it woke up Zi. He had to go make his breakfast. Zi wasn’t letting go of Virgil, though. And Virgil was torn between just going back to sleep in his arms and not wanting to be punished for breakfast being late. Zi’s boner slid against his ass when Virgil shifted and he decided that getting up to make breakfast was better than one of Zi’s morning ‘wake-up calls’. He was still plenty battered from yesterday. If not, the welts from the crop it was the flogging his chest or the bruises on his wrists and ankles from being restrained or his still aching calves and shoulders from being suspended from the ceiling, not even counting the anal without prep.

Virgil tried to carefully move out of Zi’s arms without waking him. He couldn’t roll out the side since Zi’s arms kept gripping him, so out the bottom, it is. Virgil slid down slowly. The friction must have gotten Zi’s attention because his cock twitched against Virgil’s back. Virgil froze, trying to wait for the sensation to go away in Zi before he woke up. Virgil eventually started sliding down again, even slower this time, and made it away from Zi’s grip and morning wood successfully. He quietly scampered out of the room to go make breakfast for Zi. He checked his phone for the time and he lost 5 entire minutes trying to escape. He ran to the restroom as fast as possible, opting just to splash water on his face over washing it, and rushed to the kitchen.

Eggs, eggs, eggs. Virgil dug out breakfast ingredients from the fridge. Eggs, bacon, sausage. Virgil popped a piece of bread in the toaster for himself while he cooked. He ate it and a few baby carrots while he cooked Zi’s breakfast. He got everything out on time, including the coffee. Virgil took a quick swig from the OJ before loading up the bed tray and carrying it to the bedroom.

“Good morning, master,” Virgil said softly, standing next to the bed and holding the tray. Zi grumbled and shifted in his sleep.

“Good morning, pet. It’s almost a shame you didn’t sleep in, but you were a good boy,” Zi said with a low voice and sat up in bed. He motioned for Virgil to come forward and Virgil placed the tray over Zi’s lap. He stayed quiet. Zi didn’t like it when Virgil talked out of turn, and that was more of a statement. Virgil backed up and kneeled on the floor with head down like he was supposed to when Zi picked up his fork. The carpet in here made it the easiest meal to get through. The tile in the dining room was really hard on his knees.

“I’m in a good mood today, pet. Come, lay back down next to me,” Zi said after a few minutes of eating.

“Thank you, master,” Virgil said submissively and came back over to the bed. He laid down with his head slightly pressed against Zi’s side, the rest of his body avoiding getting close to the lap table and bumping it. Zi reached down and pet Virgil’s hair and he smiled into the blankets. He was exhausted. Was he allowed to go back to sleep? It was the weekend. He could work and clean the house on his and Zi’s time instead of working around his temp job. He was deeply afraid of dozing, though. The last thing he wanted was a wake-up call. Virgil chewed his thumbnail to help keep himself awake, but he was so warm, and Zi kept petting him so tenderly. He didn’t have permission to go back to sleep. He had to fight it. Virgil bit into his thumb and chewed on that instead.

“What are your tasks today?” Zi asked.

“Dishes, laundry, clean the living room, steam the couch, go shopping, and I have 2 pieces for my job to finish,” Virgil replied compliantly.

“A packed day, then. Anything else?” Zi stroked Virgil’s hair again. It would have been manageable if he didn’t have to steam the couch and mop the living room, but that was Virgil’s fault. He’d just have to work fast.

“Whatever master requests?” Virgil suggested carefully.

“Oh, you are trying your best today. I’m glad you learned your lesson. My office could also use a dusting. Wear that cute skirt when you clean, pet. It makes my day,” Zi went back to absentmindedly petting Virgil’s hair.

“Yes, sir,” Virgil sighed. He was in a good mood, and Virgil was so safe and warm, and everything was alright.

“I wonder if that awful temp job is worth it, that we can’t have pleasant mornings like this more often,” Zi said absentmindedly.

“I can’t afford my part of the bills without it, as much as I love spending time like this with you, master,” Virgil said softly.

“Maybe we could work out a deal. I’d love to mark up more of that pretty skin of yours,” Zi smirked into his coffee. Virgil liked having his own income so he could buy his own things and have some semblance of independence. His artwork didn’t make much money. He also wasn’t a fan of black eyes, which was about the only place Zi didn’t already leave marks on. But if it meant more time like this with Zi, he’d probably consider it.

“Take my tray, pet,” Zi said, and the sound of the silverware hitting the plate woke Virgil up. Oh, he drifted. Zi didn’t notice. Oh, thank god. Virgil got up carefully and picked up the tray, heading to the kitchen. He put the dishes in the sink and cleaned off the tray to put it away. He was about to clean, so he headed back into the bedroom to change out of his pajamas.

Zi already picked the skirt he was wearing, but Virgil had to pick a top. He always had choice paralysis without Zi. He was useless like that. Zi always had to make choices for him. He needed something loose because the welts from last night were still raw as fuck and he’d be moving around. Zi really enjoyed seeing his handwork. Maybe something with an open back? Virgil was certain he had a halter top somewhere from when he used to go clubbing. Before he met Zi, anyway, who wouldn’t let him dance anymore. Virgil found it in the back of his drawer. Cool, open-backed, and would go with the black pleated skirt Zi liked. His welts wouldn’t get too hot or irritated under his hoodie when he left to go shopping. Virgil changed clothes and headed back out to clean. He started the laundry, with his new hoodie so when he reached for things on the shelves people wouldn’t see his very black and blue wrists.

Virgil cleaned all the dishes from breakfast and unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. He wiped everything down for good measure and cleaned the table. Maybe if he got cushions for the dining room chairs, Zi would let him use one if he was good. Blue or green would look good in here. Virgil could hit up a home goods store before grocery shopping if he had Zi’s permission. Assuming he cleaned the house well enough. Virgil finished up in the kitchen and grabbed a dusting cloth to go dust in Zi’s office.

Zi was working at his computer, so he had to be quiet. Zi worked hard every day of the week. Virgil smiled Zi dutifully typing away and started dusting the shelves near the door. He’d have to clean around Zi and get to his desk while he ate lunch, probably. Interrupting Zi’s work was a massive no-no.

“Pet, get me more coffee,” Zi said, not taking his eyes off his keyboard. Virgil must have accidentally made a noise and got noticed. It was quiet enough to not get punished over, though. Dusting completely silently was impossible, after all, and Zi wasn’t unreasonable. Virgil put down his rag on the shelf he was working on and came to get Zi’s coffee mug. Virgil refilled it from the pot and slid it back where he found in on the desk. Zi stared at him for a moment and Virgil tensed up. Did he do something wrong?

“Are you trying to tempt me from work?” He asked with a raised eyebrow, turning the chair and pulling Virgil into his lap.

“No, master, I swear, I just thought you’d like it,” Virgil rambled quickly. “I promise, I just thought it would match the skirt you wanted me to wear,”

“I love it. I love seeing what I can do to your pretty skin,” Zi said darkly and pulled Virgil in for a kiss. Virgil shivered in fear for a moment, but Zi didn’t move to punish him and he kissed back in earnest. Zi ran his fingers up and down the raised welts on Virgil’s back and a small moan of satisfaction came from his throat. “Show me,” He said. Virgil stepped back out of Zi’s lap and turned around. “Oh, pet, what you _do_ to me,” He murmured, stroking Virgil’s back and suddenly digging his nails in to claw him. Virgil squeaked but managed to keep quiet. “Come under the desk and solve the problem while I work and I won’t punish you for distracting me,” He ordered and unzipped his pants before turning back to his work.

He wasn’t going to be punished? Virgil swallowed and got to his knees and crawled under the desk. His throat was still sore and so was his jaw, but he was grateful for the chance to avoid punishment. He dressed like this for Zi, but Virgil distracted him and it was his bad judgment call again. He was really stupid. Virgil slid between Zi’s legs and pulled out Zi’s half-hard cock and started teasing it gently, careful of Zi’s zipper. He bent in to kiss Zi’s balls and stroked the underside of his shaft as it grew in his hand. Zi groaned slightly and stiffened to full capacity. Virgil ran his tongue along the shaft before taking him completely into his mouth and started sucking. Zi’s left hand came under the table and started scratching at Virgil’s back, which caused Virgil to grunt in pain around Zi’s cock. That only seemed to encourage him, though. Zi pulled his desk chair back and stared down at Virgil.

“Look at me, Pet,” Zi commanded and Virgil looked up into his eyes. He clawed into Virgil’s back with both hands now, and the pained noises kept turning on Zi further. Zi dug his nail in right on top of a welt and Virgil’s eyes scrunched closed in pain. “ _Bup-bup_ , keep your eyes on me. I’ll only warn you once,” Zi said playfully and Virgil opened his eyes wide, trying not to close them again as he worked Zi under his work desk. He must have been trying to coax more pained noises out of Virgil because every new sensation was worse. He slapped Virgil’s back hard a few times. Dug his nails into other welts. Ran his nail right along a healing cut and reopened it. Virgil worked harder though, both to keep his eyes open and increase the suction, gently caressing his inner thighs with his free hand, trying to end his suffering. Zi growled and slammed Virgil’s head down on him, Virgil’s nose crushing into his pubic mound as Zi came hard into the back of Virgil’s throat. Virgil coaxed the last part out and cleaned Zi up before re-zipping Zi’s pants up and coming out from under the desk.

“I’m sincerely sorry for the distraction, master,” Virgil bowed, praying to god Zi didn’t change his mind. Zi took Virgil’s face into his hands and kissed him gently.

“My pet, you’re forgiven,” Zi said softly. He let go of Virgil’s face and motioned with his hand for Virgil to turn around. Zi hummed in delight as he ran his finger down Virgil’s spine. The sensation made Virgil shiver. “Return to cleaning,” Zi said and turned back to his desk. Virgil went back to the spot where he left off dusting and eyed Zi carefully before returning to wiping down the books and objects on his shelf. Virgil wasn’t sure he had time to go to the home goods store and the grocery store anymore, which was disappointing. His knees were killing him.

Virgil finished dusting around Zi’s office. Zi would watch him sometimes but didn’t punish or chide him for further distractions, which Virgil was thankful for. Virgil ran off to the kitchen and chugged a ton of cold water for his very raw throat as soon as he was clear of the eye-line of Zi’s office. Virgil coughed when the water hit his throat and reached in the fridge to get some juice after finishing some cold water. Virgil drank a few gulps of grape juice and put it back in. He needed to move the laundry and clean the living room next. He really had to speed up if he wanted enough time to finish those projects. They weren’t due till Wednesday, but he rarely had time during the week these days since his temp job kept asking him to stay late. Virgil probably had to start lunch soon. The day just kept creeping up on him.

—

Virgil sighed and leaned back at his computer desk in the living room. He hated staring at that damn cage right next to his desk. Zi said it was an inspiring force, but he just remembered being locked in all night and sobbing, not feeling ‘inspired’. Virgil glanced behind him to Zi watching TV lazily on the freshly steamed couch. He wanted to be there with him so badly. These pieces were close to done, though. Completed graphic design work might mean more graphic design work in the future. Virgil just wanted to use his actual degree. His parents warned him that the job market for creative fields was shit. But he stubbornly didn’t listen. He probably wouldn’t be some fancy higher up or anything, but if he had a useful degree like Zi has, he probably wouldn’t be struggling so much.

Virgil briefly imagined a life where he had work in his field and took up Roman’s offer to share an apartment with him. Their parents sucked, but Roman always stuck out for him. Though Roman also got a useless degree, he barely managed to pay the loans on. He was possibly in the same boat as Virgil. Well, not the exact same one. He wasn’t with Zi. Virgil loved Zi, but after days like yesterday where his skin is still burning, he kind of wished for things to be different.

“Why don’t you take a break and watch TV with me, pet?” Zi asked.

“I need to finish at least one of these,” Virgil said, getting back to work on his tablet.

“Oh, they’ll wait, they’re not due for another 3 days,” Zi said dismissively.

“My job is important to me, my love,” Virgil said pleadingly.

“Oh, fine. Just ignore me, then. There goes my nice mood,” Zi said sourly.

“No! No, I’m sorry, master, I’m sorry. I’ll come to take a break with you,” Virgil said desperately and put his tablet down, quickly saving his progress and sitting on the floor at Zi’s feet.

“Good pet. I’m glad you know what’s actually important. Come up here, I want to feel you,” Zi said and Virgil slowly got up and sat on the couch. Zi pulled him closer by his arm and put his hand on Virgil’s bare back. Virgil was pulled against Zi and he relaxed into Zi’s chest happily and hummed in satisfaction.

“You’re so cute, kitten,” Zi cooed. If things were different though, Virgil wouldn’t get to enjoy amazing times like these. And he wouldn’t trade this for anything. Zi softly stroked Virgil’s skin, and they watched TV together softly for a while. Virgil monitored the clock, but Zi looked sad each time he got up, so he never got back to work until Zi was done watching TV for the night. Virgil moved to go back to his desk, but Zi grabbed his arm.

“No, pet, I want to reward you for being a good boy. What do you want?” said, not letting up on Virgil’s arm until Virgil was tugged down and straddling Zi’s lap.

“Um,” Virgil paused, and it physically hurt him to say. He slammed his hand over his mouth.

“No stuttering pet, I thought we trained that out of you,” Zi said darkly, pulling Virgil’s hand away and holding the wrist tight.

“Sorry, you did! I remember. Slip of the tongue. I’m just tired master, I promise I remember,” Virgil pleaded desperately with wide eyes.

“You do look very tired. I’ll let it slide. This time. If I hear it another time tonight we’re starting over. Now, what do you want?” Zi repeated and loosed his grip on Virgil’s hand. Oh, god, he couldn’t start over with it.

“Thank you for your patience and lenience with me, master,” Virgil apologized and Zi hummed happily, stroking the bumps of Virgil’s spine. “I’d like a cushion to kneel on in the dining room floor. If I’m good and get your permission to use it, that is,” Virgil said imploringly. “I thought if we got a set for the chairs it would be nicer for you, too,”

“I love that you always think of me,” Zi pulled Virgil in for a kiss. “I suppose that’s fine. I do love to see the bruises on your knees, but I can always give you new ones somewhere else,” Zi let go of Virgil’s wrist.

“Thank you, master. I think blue would look nice in there if you want an artist’s opinion. But I’m sure your taste is will be better than anything I can choose,” Virgil rubbed his wrist absentmindedly.

“That’s true,” Zi smiled. “I’ll consider it, but it’s my house and my dining set and you don’t get a choice,”

“I know, master. You have a very nice house,” Virgil looked away sheepishly. Zi kissed Virgil’s cheek.

“You’re such a good sub. I’ll pick up a set tomorrow if I find some I like, and if you’re good, you can use one as early as dinner,” Zi purred into Virgil’s ear. He shivered slightly from the hot breath tickling his ear.

“You’re the best,” Virgil smiled. “Can I touch you?”

“Alright,” Zi hummed and Virgil wrapped his arms around Zi’s neck and hugged him. Zi absentmindedly played with the welts on Virgil’s back again. Zi reached up and tugged Virgil’s hair to pull his head back and leaned in to kiss Virgil amorously. Virgil reciprocated happily, enjoying spending time with nice, considerate Zi. “Let’s go to bed, love. I know you’re tired, let me take care of you,” Zi muttered into Virgil’s neck and bit at it. Virgil looked longingly to his desk, but he would not argue.

“Thank you, master, I don’t deserve you,” Virgil muttered, kissing Zi’s neck in kind.

“You _don’t_ , but you try,” Zi said, almost like a sarcastic lament.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look common abuse tactics where the abuser makes the victim feel unsure and at fault for everything when does somebody punch zillah aready


	4. That You're Going to Break

Zi picked him up effortlessly and carried him to the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed and continuing to kiss Virgil from there. “You’re so easy to access in a skirt, it’s very appealing,” Zi squeezed Virgil’s ass.

“I can wear them more at home if you want,” Virgil said breathlessly as Zi planted sweet kisses along his neck.

“You’d never let me get anything done, you little _slut_ ,” Zi hissed against Virgil’s ear, sliding his hand from Virgil’s ass into his underwear.

“I just want to make you happy,” Virgil whispered back. Zi’s finger teased at Virgil’s entrance and he moaned, Zi taking the opportunity to bite down on Virgil’s neck. Virgil made a strangled noise halfway between pleasure and pain, and Zi finished stiffening beneath him.

“Then make me happy, whore,” Zi hissed and dug his nails into Virgil’s ass with one hand and slid in with the other. Virgil frowned at the insult but reached down and started stroking Zi while kissing his neck. Zi slid in and out of Virgil with his fingers, adding another every few strokes, and Vigil panted against Zi’s chest as he tried to match the rate Zi was going. Zi pulled out his fingers suddenly and the sudden withdraw made Virgil wince. Zi shoved Virgil off and slid down his pants.

“Get the lube and climb on, pet,” Zi cooed. Virgil nodded and went to the bedside table and lubed Zi up before climbing back on to Zi’s lap. Virgil tried to lower himself down gently, but Zi grabbed his hips and forced him down. A strangled cry broke out of Virgil into Zi’s shoulder where he slumped for a moment in pain. “Move, you bitch,” Zi hissed, digging his nails back in. Virgil whimpered and started riding him. Zi leaned back and let Virgil take over the work. Virgil moved his hips and rotated them, trying to make Zi happy again. Virgil earned a moan and relaxed a little. He must have not messed up that badly because Zi didn’t stop him for punishment.

Virgil was exhausted, but he rode Zi obediently, never touching himself without permission and trying hard to move in a way Zi would like, with lots of fervor and motion. His thighs burned as Zi reached out and dug his nails into his hips and started slamming Virgil down deeper with every movement. Virgil groaned from the pain but fought through it as Zi’s motions got more erratic.

“Can… I please… come, master?” Virgil panted out as he moved with Zi to go as deep as possible.

“Touch yourself, pet, but no coming,” Zi hissed. At all? What? No! He thought it was good today! “Slave, I want to see you touch yourself,” Zi growled. Virgil reluctantly reached out and started stroking himself.

“Good boy, you like being your master’s dumpster, don’t you,” Zi said, watching Virgil hungrily.

“Yes, master!” Virgil whined, starting to lose it. He couldn’t come? Why would he make him do this? Zi said he would take care of him. It was torture. Zi dragged his nails down Virgil’s thighs and he made a slight noise of pain in his throat.

“No, baby, I want to hear you,” Zi groaned and dug into his thighs with his nails, drawing blood. Virgil cried out in pain behind his arm that he shot up instinctively to cover the noise before he stopped himself. “Bite your arm,” Zi commanded and Virgil did, moaning in pain the more Zi dug into him with his nails. “Good boy,” Zi hissed. “Don’t stop stroking yourself,”

“Please let me come, master,” Virgil sobbed.

“And _why_ should I listen to a needy little slut like you?” Zi chided him and Virgil sobbed slightly from the pain.

“Please, please,” Virgil whined. He just wanted to go to sleep. He couldn’t sleep with blue balls like this. He was so close it hurt.

“I’m not hearing a _reason_ , slave, just petty whines,” Zi growled, working into Virgil harder. Virgil’s cry of pain only got Zi closer and he felt Zi tense up under him.

“I’m… working hard just for you, please, if I come it’ll feel _better_ for you, I just want you to feel good,” Virgil bit into his arm again to stop himself from rambling. He knew Zi was drawing this out to torture him.

“Is that it? Is it for _me_ , slave?” Zi hissed.

“Yes, yes! _Everything_ for you, please!” Virgil cried, dropping his arm and gripping the hem of his skirt. “Please,” Virgil cried.

“No,” Zi said cooly and shot into Virgil after pounding in deep one final time with a loud moan. Virgil bit into his lip so hard he burst it open for the third time. “Don’t stop stroking,” Zi reminded him after a few pants and he screwed up his face in pain. Zi burrowed into him, shifting his hips around and torturing Virgil further. “You can do it, baby. Hold it. Show much how much you love me,” Zi hissed. Virgil dug his nails into his leg himself to stave himself off. “Do you think to deserve to come after making me happy today? Is that it?”

“No, master… please,” Virgil groaned. “I _don’t_ deserve it, I just wanted to make you feel good, I swear,” Virgil whined and Zi took over, stroking him viciously. Virgil crossed his arms over his chest, trying to contain himself by squeezing tight.

“So you’d be perfectly happy if I pulled out of you and stopped touching you?” Zi said, squeezing his fist tight around Virgil.

“Yes, yes, if it makes you happy,” Virgil cried, gritting his teeth. Zi let Virgil go suddenly and Virgil choked a sob down, holding himself. It hurt so bad. Virgil’s cock twitched angrily as it felt frozen in the cool bedroom air. Zi whistled and flicked Virgil’s tip, and Virgil grunted in pain. It was so sensitive it felt like being stabbed.

“How much do you love your master?” Zi purred.

“So much,” Virgil choked out. “More than _anything_ ,” Zi started lifting Virgil off of him and he panicked, curling into himself extremely tightly to stop it. Zi pulled out and Virgil screamed into his chest, feeling like his balls were in a vice. Zi dropped Virgil on the bed on the floor and he landed with a thud, unable to stop curling into himself to catch his fall. Zi knelt down and ran his finger along the underside of Virgil’s shaft, and Virgil couldn’t stop a groan from escaping. He probably couldn’t stop anything from escaping he was so overwhelmed by the pain of being over sensitized.

“You look like you’d give anything to be allowed to come, kitten,” Zi said, gripping Virgil in his hand another time before releasing him. His cock twitched from the sudden blood flow.

“If… master doesn’t want it… I won’t do it…” Virgil moaned loudly when Zi wrapped his hand around the shaft again. God, he really didn’t if he didn’t come anymore, he just wanted the torture to stop. He couldn't come, he wasn't allowed, it hurt so bad-

“So if I put a vibrator on it and fingered your ass again, you’d hold back?” Zi smiled maliciously. Oh god, no. Zi was already getting up to go to the bedside table. This was happening whether Virgil liked it or not.

“Not… unless you say I can,” Virgil whispered mournfully, not sure he even believed himself.

“If you can make it three minutes, pet, I’ll let you come without locking you up,” Zi said, coming back with a bullet vibrator and a held it to Virgil’s cock and sliding a finger back in. Oh god. Virgil tasted the blood pooling in his mouth from biting his lip so hard. Zi started moving his finger in and out of Virgil relentlessly and the bullet switched on, placed right on his head. He thinks he started screaming, he’s not sure. His throat and ears hurt. He shoves his fist in his mouth just in case. It felt like an eternity as he writhed on the floor. He couldn’t go into the cage again. He hated the cage, he couldn’t- he couldn’t do it, though, he couldn’t keep holding out. But the cage-

“You look so precious, baby. You can let go and you’ll look just as precious in the cage,” Zi purred. No-no-no-no- “Aw, are you _scared_ , kitten?” Zi laughed viciously. If there was anything Virgil had left in him, it was spite. And he held on to that like a torch in the darkness. He refused to let go. Just to not give Zi the satisfaction. He wanted to punish Virgil. He was trying to drive him to the breaking point just to punish him again and lock him in that damned cage. Both of his heads were pounding painfully from the effort. Zi withdrew his finger suddenly, and that nearly got him.

“Come, kitten, you’ve more than proved your love,” Zi smiled and Virgil’s body felt like it was on fire when he finally let go. He felt everything, and it was all too much. His clothes hurt, the carpet hurt, even Zi’s stare as he watched him shake as he came hurt. He felt his consciousness slipping now that he didn’t have spite to hold on to. He wasn’t sure how long his body twitched with aftershocks. Zi picked him up off the floor with a wicked laugh and the contact hurt so much. Virgil didn’t have the strength to fight him. Zi dropped him down on the bathroom floor and started getting undressed.

“Come on, kitten, you’re filthy. If you don’t want to sleep on the floor, you’re getting into the shower with me,” Zi said, yanking Virgil’s arm up, pulling him off the floor. Virgil hissed slightly at the contact and started pulling his clothes off as soon as Zi let go. “Get in, Virgil, tell me when the water gets warm,” What? Zi shoved Virgil in the shower and turned on the head before Virgil had time to react. Icy water came cascading over him and he felt like he was on fire all over again, yelping in shock and holding himself while he shivered. Was he still trying to break Virgil? He wasn’t sure. Virgil panted in pain from the icy water droplets that felt sharp against his skin.

“Warm,” Virgil eventually whimpered, the water feeling too hot on his skin now. Zi stepped in and adjusted the shower temperature. He put soap on a loofa and handed it to Virgil, who started dutifully scrubbing Zi.

“No, pet, I want to see you clean yourself,” Zi corrected him. Oh, no, a loofa was going to hurt like hell.

“Can I use a rag, master?” Virgil asked weakly.

“Are you talking back?” Zi chided him. Virgil shook his head and started gently scrubbing his arms.

“No, no, you’re filthy pet. Harder,” Zi said, pushing the loofa against him. Virgil shuddered from the pain and his knees nearly gave out. The scalding water and the scratching from the loofa was intense. Zi watched him with a sadistic smile, slowly getting an erection again. Oh god. Virgil finished scrubbing himself with tears in his eyes.

“Does seeing me excited make you sad, slave?” Zi accused harshly. 

“No, master, _please_. Anything for you,” Virgil choked out again. It was more of a mantra than anything sensical anymore. Anything for Zi so he doesn’t trap Virgil in the cage. Zi picked up Virgil’s leg and pressed him against the wall, sliding into him slowly. Virgil started sobbing in pain. The cold tiles, and he was so sensitive and the hot water and everything. It was all too much. Virgil’s vision got fuzzy, and he stared blankly ahead while Zi drilled into him, fast and hard. Zi growled into Virgil’s ear as he came and dropped Virgil onto the shower floor.

“Aw, did I break my toy for the day? I was wondering why you suddenly went quiet,” Zi laughed at him. “Get up and finish showering, slut,” Virgil slowly pulled himself up and finished cleaning himself off automatically, just standing there while Zi finished afterword. Zi turned off the water and left the shower, and Virgil stood there dripping. Zi eventually threw a towel at him. “Dry,” Zi ordered and Virgil dried off.

“Get out of the shower, pet,” Zi commanded and Virgil walked over to Zi silently. “Off to bed. You can lay with me under the covers,” Zi shoved Virgil and slapped him on the ass, and Virgil crawled into bed naked, laying there and staring blankly at the ceiling. Zi climbed in after him and pulled him against his chest. “You can sleep pet, you did a good job,” Zi said and Virgil closed his eyes, falling into oblivion right away.

—

Virgil barely managed to wake up to his alarm in the morning. He didn’t want to be awake. He wanted to stay in the black void he’d been in for the last few hours. But Zi needed his breakfast, and he had his shit-ass job to get to. Maybe Zi really would cover more of Virgil’s part of the bills and he wouldn’t have to put up with this anymore. Maybe Zi would let Virgil sleep in a bit. Zi didn’t have to be up as early as Virgil did, they could push his breakfast a whole hour without Virgil’s job, just like they do on the weekends. Virgil would kill for that extra hour right now.

Virgil stumbled out of the bedroom and into the hall bathroom before making breakfast again. Eggs, sausage, biscuit, and gravy. Virgil worked more automatically than anything else. He munched a slice of toast while he heated up the gravy on the stove and placed it all on the tray to go wake Zi up.

“Good morning, master,” Virgil said sleepily. Zi rolled over and smirked at Virgil, looking him up and down. He sat up in bed and motioned for Virgil to put the tray down. Virgil put it over his lap and bowed.

“Planning on heading to work naked, you whore?” Zi laughed. Virgil looked down. Shit, he was naked? He couldn’t really feel his skin right now. Virgil blushed and waited to be released. He was left holding the bow while Zi laughed at him. “Come close, pet, and turn around,” Zi said and Virgil straightened and complied. Zi slapped him hard across the ass and he yelped, feeling his nerves start to painfully wake up again. “You’re dismissed,” Virgil went over to his drawers in the dresser and pulled out some work clothes. Slacks and a button-down and a thin fashion scarf to hide his neck. What he wouldn’t give to be able to wear his hoodie at work today. He needed any paltry amount of comfort and he knew he was getting none. Virgil dressed, trying to be careful of all of his pain, and left the bedroom, grabbing his phone, keys, and wallet on the way out to the bus stop.

Virgil leaned against the pole of the bus shelter as he waited for the bus, drifting a bit when he closed his eyes. He set an alarm for 5 minutes before his bus was scheduled to arrive at the stop near his work, just in case. He had a feeling he wouldn’t last long when he sat down. He was going to need 6 million gallons of coffee to get through today.

—

Virgil poured himself his 5th cup of coffee in the break room and his phone went off with a text alert. Virgil pulled out his phone while he dumped a packet of splenda into his coffee.

‘grrl, why r u not txtin ur bro? he’s bitchin’ Remy had sent.

‘sry’ Virgil sent back. Remy replied with like 20 knife emojis. Vigil sent back the shrug and grimace emoji.

‘quit cryin to remy b4 he murders me’ Virgil texted Roman, then sent some hearts to Zi. Roman didn’t respond and Virgil shrugged and got back to work.

Virgil got a response a few hours later, just asking Virgil to call him. Virgil was still at work and Roman already missed his lunch break, so there wasn’t anything to do but wait till Virgil got off his shift. He wasn’t sure what was urgent enough to cry to his boyfriend about, but not just text what it was. Roman could be over-dramatic, though. Maybe he and Remy had a really good date, or maybe mom & dad contacted him. Virgil would probably freak out and call Ro if they called him, anyway.

After he was finally let off work, Virgil went to the single-occupancy bathroom upstairs and called Roman back.

“Virgil! Oh my god! Yes! Thank you, I’ve been waiting _all day_!” Roman bemoaned the lengthy time it took Virgil to contact him.

“Ro, I’ve been at _work_. You know, the thing with the money-making?” Virgil said sarcastically.

“That’s kind of what I’m calling about! You have to meet up with me!” Roman said excitedly.

“Ro, just tell me on the phone,” Virgil groaned and rubbed his sinus.

“No, I must announce some things in person! Not to _mention_ it’s been over a month since you’ve hung out with me, asshole,” Roman said seriously.

“ _Sorry_ , I’ve been busy,” Virgil apologized and dropped his head. He didn't mean to make it go so long. There's just been so much to do. And Zi took up most of his evenings if not taking care of the house and cooking and things.

“I know! I’m just saying make some time for me this evening, please?” Roman begged him.

“Alright, I’ll try. I have to make a call first, okay? I’ll call you back,” Virgil said placatingly. He had to ask Zi. He wasn’t making this mistake again.

“Just come out!” Roman insisted bitterly.

“Ro, I’ll call you if I can!” Virgil huffed, feeling desperate. Roman started to object again and Virgil hung up. You can’t just up and do things without inconveniencing other people. Virgil wasn’t sure why everyone else was so blase about it. Of course you have to ask who you live with. Virgil called up Zi to get permission and also not be an asshole.

“Hello. Did you just get off work?” Zi answered.

“I did. Roman called, and he’s insisting I go out with him for some news he wants to tell me. Can I go?” Virgil asked carefully.

“You _just_ went out with Remus, baby,” Zi chided him.

“I know, but it’s been over a month since I’ve seen him and he’s acting like it’s really important. I can make it up to you tonight?” Virgil offered.

“Kitten, I don’t like having to come up with my own dinners or eating alone,” Zi said warningly.

“Please, master? I would just come home to you if Ro didn’t _insist_ it was important. He’s my brother,” Virgil explained and begged again.

“Fine. How are you making it up to me?” Zi said smoothly. Virgil swallowed and listened outside the bathroom door to make sure nobody could hear him.

“I’ll get you off without coming. Any way you order me to,” Virgil offered. He didn’t even want to come after yesterday. It felt more like a punishment than anything else.

“Oh, no, pet, you’ll be coming. I love the pained face you make when you’re holding it off and finally let go. You’ll make it up to me with sensory deprivation,” Zi said firmly. Virgil swallowed hard. He was still wired from yesterday. Zi was trying to break him again, like last night. He had been doing that a lot recently.

“Has work been _stressful_ or something?” Virgil asked quietly. He couldn’t figure out why Zi was doing this.

“I just like reminding my toy who he belongs to after he goes out. If you stay home you don’t have to,” Zi said blithely.

“So it’s a _punishment_?” Virgil whispered.

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself, kitten, you had plenty of fun last night,” Zi chuckled. Virgil wouldn’t call what happened fun. Last night was harrowing. Sensory deprivation was just another way to over sensitize him, but much more terrifying.

“So… you’re hoping to break me again?” Virgil asked.

“It will help you remember who is _really_ important, pet,” Zi said silkily, but the malicious intent wasn’t disguised.

“Yes, master,” Virgil sighed in resignation. This better be important. “Thank you, master,”

“Good pet. Video call me when you get there so I know you’re not lying,” Zi said. Virgil swallowed heavily.

“I love you,” Virgil mumbled.

“Love you, too, pet,” Zi purred and hung up. This _really_ better be worth it. Virgil called Roman back.

“How dare you hang up on me!” Roman shouted and Virgil flinched, starting to panic and backing into the corner of the bathroom.

“ _Sorry_! Sorry! I’m so sorry!” Virgil rambled apologies, breathing hard and curling into himself.

“Whatever! Are you coming out with me or not?” Roman asked, sounding irritated.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can. Should I meet you somewhere?” Virgil asked quickly, still freaking out, gasping quickly as he tried to catch his breath.

“I’ll come to get you from work,” Roman offered.

“Okay,” Virgil breathed. He needed to calm down.

“See you in 15 minutes!” Roman chimed and hung up. Virgil sighed and put his phone in his pocket, going to the sink to splash himself in the face with cold water. He gripped the edge of the sink and let the water drip off his face for a moment as he tried to get a hold of himself. It took another few splashes of cold water, but Virgil was able to gather himself together enough to go outside and get some fresh air while he waited. Virgil dried off and went to go wait on the bench out near the front of the building for Roman, trying to focus on breathing.


	5. Don't Paint Wonderful Lies

“Virgil! It’s so good to see you!” Roman sang from the driver’s side of his car. Virgil looked up to see Roman in his old lemon beaming brightly at him. “Uh, is it _not_ good to see me?”

“No, it’s good to see you, too,” Virgil said, pushing himself off the bench and coming around the side of the car to get in the passenger seat.

“You just look… kind of sick,” Roman said, looking Virgil up and down as he got in the car. “Love the scarf, when did you decide to step it up?”

“Just felt like it,” Virgil shrugged. He definitely wasn’t covering bruises and bite marks or anything.

“Well, get some new button-downs. That thing is a tent on you. It’s not very flattering,” Roman said and drove out of the parking lot. Virgil agreed the shirt didn’t fit, but he was happy to have nothing touching his back today.

“So where are we headed? I assume you’re not telling me while you’re driving, anyway,” Virgil sighed and leaned back into the seat.

“You’ve assumed correctly! I think a bar would work,” Roman beamed.

“Woah, I’m not allowed in bars, try again,” Virgil said, stopping Roman in his tracks.

“You’re not allowed in bars? Do you have some drinking problem I don’t know about?” Roman asked incredulously.

“Sure, let’s go with that. If you want to drink, let’s just go somewhere with a bar that serves food,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Geez, aren’t you feeling like a creepy cryptic,” Roman muttered.

“Listen, this just _better_ be important,” Virgil sighed, wringing his hands in discomfort.

“It _is_! It’s very important!” Roman said brightly. “Isn’t there a burger place near here with beer? I could afford a burger,”

“Yeah, two streets up on the right,” Virgil supplied. “It’s nice to see you looking so happy,”

“I can’t say the same for you, dour darkling. Are you sure you’re not ill?” Roman remarked.

“I’m just… really exhausted,” Virgil sighed. And on edge. And scared. And overwhelmed. And his entire being hurt. And basically everything. Just… life.

“We should hang out more often, then! I know sometimes having a good reason to take a break makes it easier to take one. I’ve been overworking myself a bit lately, too,” Roman suggested. Virgil closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He didn’t want to go out more often if it meant getting punished every time.

“I can try to call more… Is texting not enough for you?” Virgil offered instead.

“I want to see you, Virge, not chat with a box. It’s called _human interaction_ , you recluse,” Roman huffed and shook his hand.

“How’s Remy?” Virgil distracted him, leaning against the window.

“Fantastic as usual. He got us thrown out of a movie theatre for arguing with the manager when they wouldn’t refund our tickets. I think I’m in love,” Roman said wistfully.

“You’re so weird,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“It’s romantic when your partner fights for your honor!” Roman insisted. “You wouldn’t know romance if it bit you in the ass,” Virgil was pretty certain romance _is_ what bit him in the ass.

“You’re probably right about that,” Virgil grumbled.

“What? Trouble in paradise?” Roman asked, sounding concerned.

“No,” Virgil said shortly. Roman hummed in dissatisfaction and pulled into a parking spot. Virgil climbed out of the car and waited for Roman before heading in. Roman greeted the waitress brightly, and they got a small two-person booth. Roman ordered himself a beer and Virgil got water.

“Let me check in with Zillah really quick, okay?” Virgil said pulling out his phone.

“Aw, you’re so sweet,” Roman cooed. Virgil shook his head and rolled his eyes at Roman. Virgil video called up Zi to prove he wasn’t lying about where he was going.

“Hey. We’re here at the burger place on 7th. I love you,” Virgil flipped the camera. “Wave Hi to Zillah, Ro,” Roman waved and looked very chipper.

“Have a nice dinner, pet,” Zi smiled into the camera. “I’ll be waiting,” Virgil smiled sheepishly and waved goodbye and hung up before Zi could say anything more incriminating than he had already uttered.

“So we’re here! You’re here with me! To celebrate!” Roman declared excitedly.

“Celebrate what?” Virgil sipped his water and eyed Roman curiously.

“I got a part! A paid part! A contract! A real one! I’ve finally been recognized for the acting talent that I have!” Roman cheered.

“Oh my god, seriously? That’s so awesome! Congratulations! You’ve been working so hard for so long!” Virgil said, putting down his cup and pumped his arms victoriously.

“Thank you for believing in me when our parents wouldn’t,” Roman beamed.

“Shut up or I’ll give you a noogie,” Virgil flushed slightly, dropping his arms.

“I mean it. It’s doesn’t pay a lot, but it’s enough to cover my expenses, and having it on my resume means everything to future casting directors!” Roman almost glowed with pride.

“I know! I’m so proud of you!” Virgil cheered again.

“Are you getting to follow your dreams?” Roman asked, leaning on the table with his head in his hands.

“Not… really. I get contractor work sometimes and commissions every once in a while. You know the arts are hard to get paid for in,” Virgil shrugged. “It’s about you tonight, though!”

“I could probably see if they’d pay you to some help paint sets or something,” Roman offered.

“No, I’d never be allowed to do that. It’s fine, I’m mostly trained in graphic arts. I haven’t painted in a few years now,” Virgil declined him.

“Oh, really? I still have one of your paintings up, It’s a shame. I really like them,” Roman said, almost sounding like he actually lamented that. Did he really like Virgil’s paintings? He didn’t think anybody really did. It was why he stopped painting in the first place.

“You do?” Virgil asked, feeling really unsure of himself and small.

“Yes, of course! Even if it was garbage, I’d put up because it reminds of you,” Roman laughed and flipped his hand.

“Gee, _thanks_ ,” Virgil rolled his eyes and ran his thumbnail under his other nails absentmindedly.

“I said it _wasn’t_ garbage, surly sourpuss,” Roman stuck his tongue out. The waiter came and took their order and Roman got a burger and fries and Virgil got a small side salad. They thanked the waiter and Roman stared at Virgil.

“What?” Virgil watched Roman warily.

“You know, if you’re so hard up for the money you’re ordering a 4 dollar side salad instead of an 8 dollar burger I would have covered you,” Roman raised his eyebrow. “Should we get the waiter back?”

“No,” Virgil shot. “No, it’s fine, I could afford a burger. I just don’t want one,” Virgil shook his head.

“You could have told me, dork, we could have gone somewhere else. Found a diner or something,” Roman flipped his hand around.

“No, I’m just… not that hungry,” Virgil lied. He just didn’t want too much food on his stomach for later.

“Well, you can steal a few of my fries if you change your mind, I guess. You’re not that hungry and you look kind of pale?” Roman reached out across the booth and put his hand on Virgil’s forehead. “You’re also kind of clammy. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“It’s… stress,” Virgil mumbled. “I’m just stressed,” That was one way of putting it.

“Is your temp job really that bad? I know the job insecurity sucks, but don’t you live at your boyfriend’s house? I’m sure he won’t kick you out if you miss your part of the bills,” Roman said, taking a sip of his beer. No, Zi wouldn’t. Virgil would rather be kicked out than that, honestly. Zi was painfully clear about that when Virgil moved in.

“It’s lots of things. But we’re to talk about how you landed a paid acting job, me being a downer and ruining everything like I always do,” Virgil mumbled.

“Don’t be so dramatic, you’re not ruining anything. I can’t feel great about myself if you’re down in a gutter,” Roman said, flipping his hand.

“I’m not in a gutter,” Virgil grumbled and sipped his water.

“I’m just worried. You don’t look so good. And a few months ago that shirt fit you properly. Have you been losing weight?” Roman asked.

“Yeah? Isn’t that a good thing?” Virgil raised his eyebrow.

“You were already a healthy weight, Virgil. You used to exercise with me all the time, you had a freakin’ six-pack,” Roman reached out to feel Virgil’s bicep and frowned. “There used to be more muscle there. When did you stop exercising?” Roman asked. When did he stop exercising? He didn’t remember stopping of his own accord. He liked feeling strong. It used to help him feel safe. Maybe he had just no longer had the time. He used to make the time, but he really couldn’t think of anything else. He’d have to start again.

“I don’t know. I’ve probably just been too busy with work,” Virgil shrugged.

“I’ll keep my ear out for a new job for you, all right? You’re working way too much if you’re already pale and clammy on a Monday night,” Roman said compassionately, his entire face pinched in concern.

“You don’t have to do that. Zi said he was thinking about cutting back my portion of the bills already,” Virgil said. He really didn’t want to bother Roman with his bullshit.

“Oh, that would be sweet. I’m surprised he hadn’t already offered if he could afford that, though,” Roman said, leaning towards sounding critical.

“He just got a promotion last month. Maybe he’s only just got the money,” Virgil offered in explanation.

“He drives a pretty nice car to not be able to afford another $400 or so dollars to help you out beforehand,” Roman mused.

“He’s not obligated to pay for me at all, It’s nice that he lets me live there and helps with the bills and groceries,” Virgil groaned, defending Zi. He didn’t understand why Roman didn’t get how generous he was.

“Remy offered to pay for more things a week into dating,” Roman said, absolutely sounding critical now.

“Remy’s not a person who ever did things by halves and doesn't have student loans,” Virgil said flippantly. “Plus, you’ve been friends for a long time before you both got your heads out of your asses,”

“So your boyfriend you’ve lived with since before you graduated loves you half as much as Remy does me?” Roman raised his eyebrow.

“You know what I mean!” Virgil groaned angrily.

“I thought you were the older brother and are supposed to have more sense,” Roman laughed oddly. Virgil crossed his arms and leaned back in the booth. “Oh! Thank you!” Roman said brightly as the waiter put down a burger and salad.

“Thank you,” Virgil nodded and sat back up to pick up his fork.

“That salad is pitiful. This burger is huge, I couldn’t possibly finish it and the fries. Do you want a quarter of it or something? Do you think you could stomach it?” Roman offered.

“No, I don’t think so,” Virgil said.

“Do you want my pickle?” Roman asked, holding up a toothpick that had a gherkin skewered into it.

“Vinegar? No, not right now,” Virgil held his stomach just thinking about it.

“Jeez, you must feel like shit to not even want a pickle. You used to eat one of those giant concession stand ones at every one of Pat’s soccer games,”

“Vinegar and an upset stomach is just bad news, Ro,” Virgil sighed. “I’ll take a few fries if it makes you happy,” Virgil sighed in resignation. A few fries were probably safe. They did smell really good.

“Verily!” Roman smiled, putting a small handful of fries on the corner of Virgil’s plate. Virgil stabbed one with a fork and ate it slowly. “Heathen. Fries are eaten with fingers, not forks,” Roman scoffed.

“I’m pretty certain it’s my _job_ to annoy you,” Virgil smirked. “If I had a burger I’d eat it with a spoon,”

“Vile, absolutely abhorrent,” Roman looked disgusted. Virgil stopped eating and put his fork down. “What?”

“Nothing,” Virgil said dismissively at drank his water. Zi just said it recently, and it rubbed Virgil the wrong way hearing Roman say it, too. It wasn’t news or anything, but he just never thought he’d hear Roman say it about him. “It’s kind of loud in here,”

“Yeah, it _is_ dinner time,” Roman stated in explanation and shrugged. “Do you still do that cute thing where you make dinner for your boyfriend every night?” Roman asked.

“Of course I do, I make less, so I have to do more around the house,” Virgil rolled his eyes. He thought that would be obvious.

“That’s dumb, you’re both adults. If you split the bills, you shouldn’t have to do anymore around the house than Zillah does,” Roman sounded huffy again.

“I take care of the house,” Virgil said, feeling confused.

“The _entire_ house?” Roman asked incredulously.

“Well, yeah?” Virgil furrowed his eyebrows. He makes less. It’s Zi’s house. Of course he does.

“Virgil, I doubt you pay so little of the bills that you should have to manage the entire household by yourself to be honorable,” Roman said severely.

“I don’t know how much the bills are. I just give Zi a check for whatever he asks me a month,” Virgil said, feeling confused. He really wasn’t following what Roman was saying.

“Zillah owns the house, right?” Roman asked for clarification.

“Right, it’s in his name,” Virgil nodded.

“A mortgage is cheaper than rent. You probably could cover half the mortgage with $500 bucks a month, tops,” Roman said glibly.

“Really?” Virgil raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah. You’ve never asked?” Roman asked, sounding confused himself.

“It’s not appropriate to ask,” Virgil looked down at his salad, not able to meet Roman’s eyes.

“He’s your boyfriend and you share expenses, it’s more than appropriate, it’s required. You talked about this stuff with Toby,” Roman said flippantly.

“He was my college roommate, not my-” Virgil stopped himself. “Boyfriend. My boyfriend,” His brother really didn’t need to know the nature of their relationship.

“I’m just saying, maybe you could make a chore chart or something. Pat, Remy, and I have one,” Roman tossed a fry in his mouth.

“Just trust me, it’s different,” Virgil said, trying to sound positive about it.

“I can’t really see _how_ ,” Roman said, looking pointedly at Virgil.

“Probably because you’re the younger one. You implied that meant you’re supposed to be the idiot,” Virgil deflected.

“I am not!” Roman shot and Virgil laughed.

“Come on, we’re celebrating your role here. Tell me about this gig already,” Virgil said, motioning to Roman to go on.

“Oh, all right. But don’t think I’m dropping this chore inequity issue. It’s obvious to everyone with eyes that you need a break,” Roman said critically. Virgil had enough with being broken last night.

“The role, Roman. The Role,” Virgil urged him.

“It’s so great! I will really display my range as an actor!” Roman beamed brightly and started talking about the play and all the things he gets to do as this character. Plays weren’t really his thing, so Virgil didn’t follow 100%, but he was so tired he probably wouldn’t have, anyway. He was happy to listen to Roman rant about it, though. The pressure was off Virgil to talk, and he enjoyed listening to Roman sound so excited.

—

“Well, since we’re done with dinner and you’re ‘not allowed’ in bars, I suppose I should take you home,” Roman mused after they finished eating.

“No, you don’t have to do that yet,” Virgil said. “We take a lap around the block or something to walk off dinner and finish catching up. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” Virgil wanted to talk to Roman longer, but also was scared of going home. He’d rather put it off as long as possible.

“A city street block is pretty huge for someone who looks like they haven’t slept since the Roman empire. How about the park near here?” Roman suggested. Virgil kind of wanted all the length to put off going home. He didn’t give Zi a time he’d come back and wanted to take advantage of that fact.

“I guess the park is okay. Is it safe to walk? The sun is setting,” Virgil asked, looking at his phone for the time.

“No less safe than a city block, Virge,” Roman raised his eyebrow.

“Oh, heh, yeah, that’s fair. Sorry, I’m just tired. I’m happy to stretch out my legs, though,” Virgil said, getting up from the table and pulling out his wallet to leave a tip. Roman followed suit, and they split the tip and headed out to Roman’s car to drive to the park.

The ride over was pretty quick. Roman talked more about the casting and some other people he’d be working with while he drove over. Virgil closed his eyes and listened to his voice, prompting him to continue when necessary. There would normally be more jabs and insults at each other involved, but Virgil was tired and Roman was probably too excited to be negative. Virgil kind of missed that feeling. He was probably the opposite, if anything. Too negative to be excited. But that was fine. He was doing fine.

Virgil and Roman got out of the car and walked on to the nearby walking trail that looped around the exterior of the park and weaved through some parts of it. If they went slowly down the trail, and Virgil was going to, they’d be out here an hour judging by the size of the park. And that seemed fantastic. He hoped Zi wouldn’t find out they changed locations without permission, but he wasn’t doing anything that would get him caught. Being a little sweaty and tired would be pretty normal. They could have just ‘lost track of time’ at the diner just as easily.

Virgil was banking on Zi being so focused on punishing Virgil he wouldn’t ask. Zi could be kind of single-minded, so it was a good plan. He hated having to ask permission. It was embarrassing; he felt like some over-parented teenager. Virgil complied most of the time, as he did with everything. But when he was out with his friends or Roman, he didn’t want to let them know. He was a full-grown adult, even if Zi was 5 years older than him. He didn’t like being treated like a naughty kid.

“Penny for your thoughts? You seem to have spaced out a bit,” Roman asked. Virgil slid his hands in his pockets and looked around the park.

“Oh, yeah. It’s just really nice out here. I haven’t been out in nature in a little while,” Virgil said, nodding to the tree line.

“It is lovely. Probably a little warm for that scarf outside, though,” Roman mused.

“No, I’m fine,” Virgil lied. It was warm out, and he was covered head to toe and stress sweating a bit. Virgil untucked his dress shirt from his slacks to get a little more air circulation. He was wearing a tank top under his button-down, but he couldn’t possibly take off his shirt. There was no pleasant way to explain any of these marks. Roman was both his brother and not in the scene and he didn’t want him to know or understand.

“You’re a brilliant liar other than the fact that you’re sweating,” Roman chuckled. “Acting must run in the family,”

“Fine, it is kind of hot out,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, though. A little sweat is good for you,”

“You’re a fucking weirdo,” Roman rolled his eyes.

“And you’re a showy idiot,” Virgil shrugged. “Did you have any fun dates with Remy recently? Other than getting kicked out of a movie theatre, that is?”

“Oh, sure! We went to the carnival last month and kissed on the ferris wheel and both played the ‘we shouldn’t be eating this’ game with a plate of funnel cake. Remy made a signature drink at work that he call’s ‘the star’ and it’s for me. It’s like a white mocha with glitter and cinnamon and a chocolate drizzle around the rim. It’s on the official secret menu. He texts me when people order it sometimes. That’s not a date, it’s just something sweet he did. Oh, we splurged on a fancy dinner two weeks ago and split some fondue. We were absolutely destroyed afterward, we just laid on the couch and moaned from the cheese overload. I know that doesn’t sound like a fun date, but it was,”

“All of those sound awesome,” Virgil smiled. “I’ll need to order the star next time I swing by there and see how vile your spirit tastes,”

“You’re an absolute brute,” Roman huffed. “How about you? Any fun dates?”

“No, I can’t say we have. Zillah’s a homebody. He’d rather stay in,” Virgil shrugged. It had been a while since they had been out. Zi would much rather have sex than do anything else. The thought was still depressing, but he’d rather not think about it.

“ _You’re_ not a homebody, though. You tore it up in college,” Roman said, raised an eyebrow again. Virgil wanted to rip it off.

“It was college, people change,” Virgil sighed.

“Yeah, but I’m sure you still like dancing and reading at coffee shops and hiking. It hasn’t been that long since you graduated,” Roman said.

“Well… yeah, I do,” Virgil admitted.

“You don’t have to stay in with him all the time even if he’s a homebody. I thought you two met at a party, anyway,” Roman said.

“We did. It’s just… those aren’t my scene anymore,” Virgil said carefully. He hated those play parties now. Zi would always dress him up and degrade him in front of other Doms. He was glad that Zi didn’t feel like going to them lately. Not since somebody touched Virgil, anyway. Virgil was punished hard for that one. Even the idea of those parties freaked him out now. He could almost hear the searing.

“I suppose after college the allure dies out pretty quick. Remy still goes out to events and parties sometimes, but I haven’t wanted to stay out until 4 in the morning so we usually leave a little early. Remy’s happy as long as he gets to dance for a bit,”

“I’m glad you two go together finally. You’ve had chemistry for years,” Virgil smiled.

“Oh, you know. It’s the gay struggle,” Roman laughed. “He said he hasn’t hung out with you in a while either. Have you seen anybody recently?”

“Just my friend Remus, I saw him on Saturday. We went to a coffee place that makes lattes so sugary and full of cream they’re basically milkshakes,” Virgil said.

“Oh yeah, that weirdo. I checked out his social. He’s got some interests,” Roman rolled his eyes.

“He’s a good guy. He’s just very distractible. He jumps interests every few days. It was beetles a few days ago. He’s onto the black plague right now,” Virgil smirked.

“He’s still weird,” Roman huffed.

“Well, he’s _my_ friend, so it doesn’t really matter if you don’t vibe with him,” Virgil bit.

“Geez, Virge, you don’t have to bite my face off,” Roman scoffed.

“Sorry,” Virgil rubbed his head. “I’ve got a migraine again, and it makes me kind of touchy,”

“Oh, you still get those? I’m sorry. I’m sure he’s lovely or whatever,” Roman shrugged.

“Thanks, I guess. Sorry again for snapping at you,” Virgil apologized again.

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to. We should go on vacation or something after my contract is up. Brother’s weekend vacation, since we both can’t really miss too many hours,” Roman suggested brightly.

“That sounds… really great,” Virgil said, though not too hopefully. It was just with Ro, but Zi might not approve. He really would love to, though.

“You should probably take a break before then, though. It’s a few months out. You’ll keel over before then without one,” Roman said nervously, eying Virgil. “Marvelous thing your friend is into the black plague, he can check you for the symptoms,”

“Remus was talking about going hiking next weekend, I’m hoping to do that,” Virgil said. “I could use more fresh air in my life,”

“That’s good. You really can. You’re exceptionally pale, too, a little vitamin D wouldn’t hurt either,” Roman said, fussing over Virgil.

“God, quit _mothering_ me,” Virgil groaned and shot Roman a sour look.

“Quit looking like walking death!” Roman shot back, looking at Virgil like he was being unbelievable.

“Walking death is an aesthetic I aspire to,” Virgil said smarmily with a small smirk.

“Well, you’re _certainly_ succeeding,” Roman huffed and tossed his arms.

“Glad I’m meeting all your expectations, princess,” Virgil scoffed in return.

“You glow in the dark between the lamplights,” Roman pointed out. That actually sounded pretty cool.

“Okay, but how cool would glow-in-the-dark tattoos be if you were a night jogger?” Virgil said, already picturing cool glowing swirls in the darkness that got charged as you passed under streetlights.

“Oh, fantastically,” Roman nodded. “Ethereal, creepy, and magical,” He said, looking up to the night sky.

“All right, that’s probably a better aesthetic to aspire to,” Virgil admitted, tilting his head.

“They only have black-light tattoos right now, though,” Roman said, sounding a little disappointed himself about it.

“That’s fine, I’ll just ask Satan for some proper ones,” Virgil joked with a dark smirk.

“I always _knew_ you were on personal terms with the devil,” Roman played along and laughed.

“He says to quit trying to steal his limelight,” Virgil grinned at Roman.

“Oh, if he wants his limelight back, he’s got to _earn_ it!” Roman struck a pose. “Werk, bitch!” Virgil and Roman laughed gaily together as they walked along the dark path.


	6. On me that Wash Away

Virgil looked out the window despondently at Zi’s house, not really ready to go in. He chewed on his cheek and stared at the light peeking out from the curtains in the front window. He didn’t want to do this.

“Everything _okay_ , gloomy gus?” Roman asked carefully, his hand on the back of the passenger’s seat.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Virgil mumbled, not really listening. A shadow passed in the front window and it made Virgil nervous.

“Hello?” Roman snapped right in Virgil’s face and Virgil jumped in his car seat.

“What the _fuck_ , dude?” Virgil said angrily.

“I could say the same to you. We already said our goodbyes. Why aren’t you getting out of the car?” Roman said, pointing to the house.

“My legs just hurt from the walk, I’m being lazy,” Virgil said dismissively.

“It was more of a laid-back saunter than a walk, Virge,” Roman rolled his eyes. “What’s _actually_ wrong? You’re tapping your foot so much the car is shaking,” Roman pointed town at Virgil’s foot. Virgil’s eyes followed his finger, and he stopped it as soon as he noticed. “Is everything okay with Zillah?”

“I… yeah. Everything is okay with him,” Virgil muttered.

“I’ve had a great time catching up and all, but it just kind of seems like you don’t want to go home. Do you want to go back to my apartment with me? We can talk more about it there,” Roman offered with a very kind voice. Virgil was so unused to that tone it gave a shiver. That sounded good and all, but Virgil wasn’t interested in the punishment for staying out without permission. Especially if he stayed with other guys. And being ‘not interested’ in the punishment was a massive understatement. He just didn’t want to give his brain a chance to remember the last time it happened.

“No, It’s fine. Zillah’s just been in kind of a weird mood lately and it makes me nervous, I guess,” Virgil admitted, omitting some important details.

“Virgil, I’m not sure it’s _‘fine’_ that you’re nervous about going home,” Roman huffed, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Well, it is fine. I’m just anxious about dumb stuff, you know that,” Virgil said negatively.

“I suppose, but most of your fears are really reasonable, you just react more to them than most people do,” Roman said softly.

“I’ve got _plenty_ of unreasonable fears. You just don’t understand,” Virgil said bitterly, looking away from Roman and drumming his fingers on his thighs.

“I’m trying to, Virge. Why don’t you come home with me and you can explain it?” Roman offered again, sounding a little more distressed this time.

“No, I’m just being stupid, like I always am. I’ll call you more, okay? Keep me updated about your production and stuff. Let me know as soon as I can buy tickets so I can get a good seat,” Virgil said, unhooking his seatbelt.

“Sure,” Roman drawled, sounding very unsure. “Love you,” Roman waved as Virgil climbed out of the car.

“Love you, too,” Virgil said and waved back. He couldn’t help but drag his feet up the driveway to the front walk. He really hoped Roman didn’t read any more into it than he already has.

Virgil put his key in the door and took a deep breath, trying to steel himself. He just had to get through tonight. Things would be better after Zi got this out of his system. He just had to survive the night. He slowly turned the key on the exhale.

“I’m back, master,” Virgil called as he walked in. He took off his shoes at the rack and put his keys and wallet in the open lockbox.

“Pet, that was a very _lengthy_ dinner. What was so important?” Zi asked, stepping up behind Virgil and grabbing his wrist with bruising force. Virgil winced.

“Roman got a paid contract. And so soon out of college, which is really cool. We hadn’t talked much lately, and we had a lot to catch me up on,” Virgil explained evenly.

“You weren’t just putting off seeing me _again_ , were you?” Zi growled, raising an eyebrow at Virgil with a piercing glare. But Virgil prepared himself. He knew how to get away with lying with Zi. He just kept breathing normally and pasted a soft expression on his face.

“No, master. I love you. He’s just my only family, and we had lots to talk about. If I saw him more often we wouldn’t have talked for so long,” Virgil tried to explain, offering him a reassuring smile. Zi released his arm suddenly.

“And you’re not _lying_ , pet?” Zi asked, glowering at Virgil.

“Why would I lie to you?” Virgil asked, sounding as sincere as pure unflitered sunshine.

“Because you’re hiding something. _That’s_ why you’d lie to me, you little slut,” Zi hissed.

“Well, I have nothing to hide from you. You’re my everything,” Virgil smiled softly. Zi was his everything, even if he was scary sometimes. Zi just got jealous and need reassuring. That’s okay. Virgil was way more work for Zi to manage than the other way around. Virgil changed the subject to distract him. “I have leaving you alone this evening to make up to you, don’t I? Should I go get ready?” Virgil asked a little nervously.

“You do,” Zi smiled and pulled Virgil in for a painful hug. “Go clean up and get naked for the suit, pet. I’ll be waiting in the bedroom to put you in it,”

“Yes, master,” Virgil whispered. Zi wasn’t even going to tell him how long he would do it for. If Virgil was lucky, he’d just fall asleep. But his anxiety had never let him before. Not knowing where Zi was or what he was doing or when he was getting out was terrifying. And Virgil was claustrophobic and the suit always got to him quickly. Virgil trudged into the hall bath and got ready for that awful suit.

—

Virgil couldn’t move. He couldn’t see or hear. He just tasted the cloth gag. He smelled nothing. And he was already freaking out. Had it been 5 agonizing minutes or horrible 5 hours? How much longer was this going to last? What was Zi going to do to him after his entire body came back from being shut down? Was it just sensory deprivation and then going to bed tonight? Zi had done it before. Just sealed him off after Virgil made dinner and let him out with just enough time to get a few hours of sleep. Zi mentioned nothing else. But Virgil already knew he would do something instinctively. Or maybe it was just paranoia. Because the colors in his eyes were freaking out and his brain was making demons in the room.

He was hearing creaking noises and smelled a rotting log. Despite his closed eyes and black vision, sometimes creatures darker than black would shift around the room and they were getting closer. He knew he was hallucinating somewhere in him. He knew this just happened when you were sensory deprived for so long. But they were getting closer, and he could swear he could feel their heat closing in on him. He shouted through his cloth gag for help, but no sounds reached his ears, just like a nightmare. He tried to move to get away, but he was sealed tightly away in the thick leather suit. He couldn’t even shift. He tried to scream again, just to have one sense back, but it still was silent behind the earplugs and the leather hood.

And the creatures were getting closer. He could feel their breath creeping closer. He could hear them loom over him. He swore he felt a claw running up his leg. It had to be a hallucination. He’s basically in leather armor. He couldn’t feel a light touch like that. It wasn’t possible. But it was happening. And it wouldn’t stop. Virgil’s chest hurt and he fought to breathe through the cloth gag. He had to stop freaking out. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. Virgil felt a stabbing sensation in his sides and tried to scream again. He saw odd flashes of light and struggled, trying to fight his way out. His breathing hitched through the gag, and it felt like the room his brain was in was shrinking. He was in the bedroom, not the cage- but he freaked out just the same. It was so small. It was so tight. He couldn’t escape. Virgil’s heart pounded painfully against his ribcage and he swore he could feel his blood being pumped through his body.

He needed something real. He needed something he could cling on to. Absolutely anything. Virgil started trying to gnaw through his cloth gag to bite his tongue. But there was something holding his mouth open. Zi must have thought of that after Virgil did it last time. But there was nothing else he could do. He sat there unable to fight back as the creatures dug their claws into his skin and screamed silently and helplessly. The flashes of light were hurting his head, and he was feeling lightheaded. Was it the screaming? Lack of water? Lack of oxygen? Was he going to die of fright? Was Zi doing something else to him somehow?

Oh, god, he felt like he was moving. Was that was real life? Was that a hallucination? Is Zi moving him somewhere? Virgil cried out asking what was happening or if that was Zi or just literally anything but still, he heard nothing but the groaning of the demons in his mind and his anxiety telling him he would die and there is nothing he can do to stop it. Virgil felt a temperature change. Was that real? It had to be real. Something here had to be real. This couldn’t all just be a nightmare. He prayed to whoever was listening that this would be over soon, begging through his gag in shambles. His eyes burned under the leather hood.

A pressure around him loosened. Oh thank god, it was finally Zi. Zi was letting him out. He babbled thanks and apologizes and anything else around the gag as he could feel the cool bedroom air return to his skin. Zi didn’t remove the hood yet, but Virgil felt cuffs being put on him instead of the suit. Zi had plans. Zi wouldn’t tie him down without plans. Virgil whimpered quietly as he lost the motion of his limbs again, his joints creaking as Zi spread him out on the bed. He was trapped again.

The hood finally came off and Virgil sobbed in relief, trying to thank Zi through the gag and the ring but failing spectacularly. Everything was a garbled mess. He was a garbled mess.

“ _Quiet_ , slave,” Zi said and Virgil flinched from the volume. It was so loud. Was the A/C always so loud? He could hear Zi breathing. He could tell he was excited from the pitch. Virgil slowly opened his eyes, and it was blindingly bright, so he closed them again right away. Virgil’s skin prickled against the cool air, and Virgil could feel the wind from Zi shifting around him. Virgil couldn’t look. It was too bright. And he was still terrified. But he heard a loud click and a buzzing noise, and the familiar smell of ozone took over the smell of the fresh sheets quickly.

Zi zapped him on the inner thigh and Virgil’s entire body jumped from the sudden electrical pain. He couldn’t stop himself from crying out around the ring. Zi zapped him again, now on the bottom of his feet, and he flinched and tried to curl them in to protect them. There was nothing Virgil could do to fight the onslaught of painful electrical attacks, so all he could do was fight to not cry out too loudly. If Virgil was too successful though, Zi just moved to a more sensitive area. His inner elbow, his neck, his nipples, his genitals. It hurt so much he cried. At least Virgil was on his back and Zi couldn’t get to most of the welts, though Zi seemed to relish zapping the ones he could reach since it felt like it went on for a long time.

Virgil’s brain started shutting down long before Zi even penetrated him. He went numb out of self-defense and his exhausted mind gave up trying, just letting the painful sensations pass through him like an awful conduit. His ears rang from the volume of his own screams, but they eventually died out and he laid back limply, taking the torture. Zi’s cackling broke through the ringing.

“Broken so _soon_ , pet? I only got to use you once today. It’s such a _shame_ ,” Zi cooed, dragging his nails down Virgil’s chest. Virgil was only vaguely aware of the sensation. “Though I suppose it’s fun to work for a reaction. And it has its benefits,” Virgil watched Zi blankly as he flipped out a knife. “What do you think about my initials in your shoulder?” Zi asked, flipping the knife in his hands. “Oh right, you don’t think,” Zi cackled. A sharp and hot sensation was in his upper bicep, but Virgil never bothered to look over. He didn’t want to see. He didn’t want to be here, and he barely was.

“You look so lovely with my initials on you, I should carve them in more often. You’ll remember who is the most important and who you belong with easier. Nobody else could love someone like you,” Zi said silkily. He inhaled deeply and Virgil felt pressure between his legs again. “You know I think I could go for round two, anyway. How do you feel about that? Just go ahead?” Zi cackled manically and pushed back inside Virgil. Virgil just closed his eyes and let himself slip away.

—

A slap cracked across Virgil’s face and he slowly opened his eyes again.

“Shower, slave,” Zi pointed, standing over him. Virgil stood up and walked into the bathroom obediently. “Start it and stand under the water,” Zi called after him. Virgil followed his orders. The ice-cold water barely registered with him as he stood under it motionlessly. Zi opened the shower door and stuck his hand in, made a ticking noise with his tongue, and adjusting the temperature. “Can you not feel the temperature, pet?”

“No, master,” Virgil replied, sounding empty.

“Annoying,” Zi huffed and waited outside the shower for a bit before entering. He soaped up a rag and handed it to Virgil, pushing Virgil out from under the water. “Clean yourself up, slave,” Zi ordered him and Virgil complied, lethargically lathering himself up and cleaning off. Zi showered off along with him, moving Virgil manually from under the showerhead or not. Zi turned it off and hummed as he threw a towel at Virgil. “Dry off,” He ordered and left the bathroom still drying off his hair. Virgil dried off and struggled to keep upright. Zi came back in with a pair of pajamas for Virgil. Virgil nearly fell over putting them on, which caused Zi to laugh as he caught him. Zi took Virgil’s shoulder after he was clothed and lead him to the foot of the bed.

“Lay down,” Zi pushed him and Virgil crawled up on to the foot of the bed. Zi tossed a blanket over him as he laid down on his pillow. “Where’s your phone, slave?”

“Dresser, master,” Virgil supplied. Zi walked over to the dresser and dropped it next to Virgil’s head.

“Go to sleep, pet,” Zi smirked and Virgil complied as soon as he closed his eyes.

—

Virgil stifled a sob when his phone went off. He was so tired if he even closed his eyes again he might blackout. He pinched himself tightly and crawled out of bed. He wasn’t sure he should even use the stove, but Zi needed his breakfast. He didn’t know when Zi put him to bed, but Virgil had been short of sleep a few days now, and even if he got six or seven hours it wouldn’t be enough. Virgil splashed some water on his face, more caring about something to wake him up for than hygiene, and washed his hands to go start breakfast.

Bacon was a terrible idea. Eggs might even be an awful idea. Ham steak was doable. A little sear just made it better. Heating a biscuit was doable. He wasn’t sure about heating gravy, but he could just will himself to keep stirring it shouldn’t burn. It would have to do. Virgil didn’t want to burn down the house from sleep deprivation.

Virgil made it through breakfast without catastrophe. He just barely remembered to eat anything for himself and nearly left without Zi’s coffee and juice. But in the end, he took the full tray into the bedroom.

“Good morning, master,” Virgil yawned widely. Zi rolled over and slowly sat up. Virgil’s legs shook from the effort of standing. He could manage to stand, but every single part of his body just wanted to lie on the floor and blackout.

“Morning pet,” Zi motioned for Virgil to come forward and put down the tray. As soon as he put the tray in place Virgil dropped to his knees on the floor and leaned against the nightstand. “Pet, sit up straight,” Zi chided and Virgil fought to sit up straight, gripping his legs and looking down. “How do you feel about going to work right now?”

“I’d rather die,” Virgil groaned and yawned again, gripping his legs.

“You should quit your job,” Zi said smoothly and ran his hand through his hair to fix it.

“I have to pay my portion of the bills master, you said so,” Virgil replied automatically sighed despondently, fighting to sit up straight again.

“Wouldn’t you like to come back to bed and lay with me?” Zi asked temptingly.

“More than _anything_ ,” Virgil admitted, staring at the floor and already started to drift even as he sat up.

“Come lay down, pet,” Zi said softly and Virgil was more than happy to comply. It took everything he had to not pass out on the spot when he hit the sheets. “Coda,” Zi said, and Virgil immediately felt more fuzzy and complacent as Zi pet his hair gently. “I’ll make a deal with you. You can pay less. But I need you to do more for me,”

“What do I do, master?” Virgil said, wavering from consciousness.

“Oh, it’ll be nothing unreasonable. Don’t you want to go back to sleep?” Zi said softly. Virgil was already starting to pass out. He struggled to keep his eyes open as they kept fluttering closed.

“I want to go back to sleep,” Virgil parroted back.

“You should quit your job,” Zi repeated.

“I should quit my job,” Virgil said dully.

“Call your work,” Zi said and Virgil pulled his phone out of his pajama pants pocket, weakly finding the work contact. The secretary answered. “Repeat after me. Thank you for the opportunity to work here. I have decided to seek other avenues. Have a nice day,” Zi said smoothly. Virgil repeated him to the best of ability. “Hang up, pet,” Virgil pushed the end call button. “Go to sleep,” Zi said with another soft pat to his hair and Virgil let the oblivion he’d been fighting all morning take him.

—

The bed was empty when Virgil woke up, feeling better rested than he had in weeks, even though his entire body was sore. Zi had been keeping him up, but work had also been wearing heavily on him. Working full-time and part-time and

“Master?” Virgil called but was met with no response. Virgil rubbed his eyes and checked the time on his phone. Virgil had slept well into the afternoon. Shit, fuck, work! Virgil saw a notification from Zi on his phone.

‘Get some sleep pet, you’ve earned it. I’ll see you when I get home from work. I’m sure you won’t regret quitting your job.’ The text read. Shit, he quit his job? He was so fucking out of it this morning. Son of a bitch! Well… They had talked about it already. Maybe it won’t be a big deal. Virgil got to have the run of the house while Zi was out, which would be nice. He had no idea what he agreed to do for Zi in exchange, though. Virgil stretched his aching everything and crawled out of bed. He was starving.

Virgil fixed himself lunch and cleaned up all the dishes on the tray that Zi left on the counter near the sink. He gave the kitchen and a good wipe down before he sat down at his computer desk. He was so close to finishing those pieces and he could make sure they were perfect with all his free time today. Virgil pulled on his headphones and hummed along to the songs while he finished up the pieces.

He was so incredibly satisfied when he got to turn them in a day early a few hours later. There was something so life-affirming about that. He hoped he got more work soon. Virgil got up to go get dressed. He put on something simple but cute, a pair of shorts and a shirt he liked. He didn’t want to push it too far again. He went to clean Zi’s office a little more thoroughly around the desk area now that Virgil could get to all the room and could use the vacuum. While he had the cleaning things out, he gave the bedroom a pass as well. Virgil cleaned happily and considered what to make for dinner. He thought they had the ingredients for stuffed chicken breasts.

Virgil did the laundry and dusted the living room after finishing up in Zi’s office. He felt like he had the most productive afternoon of his life by the time he went to go start dinner. Virgil didn’t have to be so negative all the time. Maybe things really would work out better. Zi was so nice to do this for him. He hoped he didn’t have to do anything wildly objectionable. But for once things felt like they’d be okay. He shouldn’t shake the fuzzy feeling in his head, but it was probably just exhaustion. If he was lucky, he could go to bed early and sleep in an hour late. And that sounded like heaven.


	7. It Looks Like Something Special

Hands wrapped around Virgil’s waist suddenly while Virgil was finishing the sides for dinner on the stove. Virgil jumped in surprise and nearly panicked. He relaxed quickly when a soft kiss pressed against his neck and Zi’s arms slid around his torso. He didn’t realize he had come in, but this was a lovely way to say hello. Virgil hummed in delight and leaned back against Zi’s torso.

“Master, I didn’t hear you come in. You’re a little early today,” Virgil smiled and kept stirring the pan. Zi pressed another kiss into his neck and Virgil could feel his smile on his skin.

“I was just excited to see you, pet. The extra sleep must have agreed with you. You don’t look so dreadful today,” He smiled against Virgil’s neck and pressed a kiss behind Virgil’s ear. “Dinner smells _divine_ ,”

“I wanted to make something special for you,” Virgil reached out and turned off the stove and moved the pan off the burner, placing a lid over it. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. I apologize that isn’t already done for you,”

“I didn’t warn you I was getting home early pet, you are forgiven. I need you to clean my office tomorrow. I also want the bedroom cleaned and fresh before I head to bed,” Zi pulled Virgil tightly against him.

“I’ve already cleaned those rooms, master. I also finished all the laundry and washed the throws since they smelled a little dusty,” Virgil smiled smugly.

“Oh, pet, you’ve been so _good_ today,” Zi purred into Virgil’s ear and the hot breath made Virgil shiver involuntarily and get a little excited.

“You deserve it,” Virgil said breathily. “Thank you for taking care of me, master,” Virgil closed his eyes as Zi’s hand wandered across his skin and up under his shirt. Zi angled Virgil’s head to the side with a jerk and kissed Virgil deeply. Virgil sighed contentedly and kissed back. Zi pulled away from Virgil with a soft smile and he looked so stunningly handsome that Virgil could have died on the spot. Zi must have realized what he was doing to Virgil because his smile morphed into a playful smirk.

“Kitten, _already_? I haven’t eaten dinner,” Zi laughed and drew soft circles with his hand on Virgil’s lower back. Tingles ran up Virgil’s spine and she shivered slightly.

“I just want to show you my appreciation. If you don’t want to I can control myself, master,” Virgil said quietly, feeling very distracted by Zi’s gentle caresses.

“I do love it when you control yourself, but I find myself wanting to more and more each second,” Zi grinned mischievously. “How much longer on the oven?”

“12 minutes,” Virgil supplied.

“Anything at risk of burning?” Zi spoke into his ear and his hand wandered across Virgil's back.

“No,” Virgil whispered, Zi’s fingers barely tracing the lines of his spine were melting his reason.

“Good,” Zi whispered directly into Virgil’s ear and his hand slid down into Virgil’s shorts, the other reaching around to unbutton the front. “You might want to lube me up in the next few seconds, pet, because I’m taking it _hard_ and _fast_ ,” Zi breathed as he grabbed Virgil’s ass.

Virgil quickly reached up into the cabinet for some olive oil and dropped to his knees in front of Zi. Virgil unzipped Zi’s work slacks and licked up the whole shaft, already stiff, before putting some olive oil in his hands and running it along Zi’s cock. Zi yanked him up by the collar of his shirt and bent Virgil over the counter. Virgil barely had time to put the olive oil down and wipe his hands on his shirt before he was worked out of his shorts and Zi stared slowly prodding his entrance. Virgil took a deep breath and tried to relax as Zi began to force his way in. Virgil gasped in pain and gripped the counter, but Zi hissed in delight, not taking long to work up to a brutal pace as he shoved Virgil down against the countertop with his hand.

Zi lifted Virgil off the ground and held Virgil right against his hips as he ground into Virgil deeply, growling in satisfaction. Virgil held on to the counter for dear life as he fought the pain of the unprepared penetration along with the moans that kept breaking out of his throat as Zi rammed into his prostate relentlessly. Zi dug his nails into Virgil’s hips and Virgil stifled a whine of pain when he drew blood, which only enthused Zi further, dragging his nails to extend the fresh cuts into older healing ones. Zi’s breath quickened and his pace was feverish now. Virgil had to bite the inside of his cheek as his need grew as well. Zi rammed him with bruising force one last time as he snarled and came hard into Virgil, who was a panting mess splayed against the countertop. Zi sighed in relief and dropped Virgil, who only barely caught himself before falling to the floor.

“Get back to dinner, pet,” Zi smiled, stroking Virgil’s back as he gasped and held on to the countertop so he wouldn’t fall over.

“Yes… Master,” Virgil panted out, his face strained. Zi slapped his ass before leaving the kitchen, which thankfully helped him focus again.

Virgil pulled up his shorts, feeling gross from the olive oil and blood assuredly mixing together and went to the sink to wash his hands thoroughly before cleaning sweat and olive oil off the countertop. The gross feeling was enough to help his erection go back down, which he was thankful for since it painfully pulsing. The oven went off and Virgil got the thermometer to make sure they were to temperature before pulling them out.

He took advantage of the cooling time and ran to the hall bathroom to take an extremely fast shower to clean out the absolute mess downstairs, opting to quickly throw on a pair of pajama pants as the fastest option before going back into the kitchen to plate Zi’s dinner. He rushed back to the kitchen to make sure everything was hot when he plated everything for Zi. Virgil picked the prettiest piece and placed the sides in careful piles on the plate before topping it with a small sprig of fresh parsley from the fridge.

Virgil placed the plate and a glass of water in front of Zi at the dinner table and bowed to Zi, who was already sitting there and looking very satisfied.

“What does master want to drink?” Virgil asked, dropping his eyes to the floor as he was trained.

“Decaf,” Zi supplied, and Virgil headed into the kitchen to make it for him. Virgil came back with the mug a few minutes later and dropped to his knees on the floor while Zi ate. He chanced a glance at the chairs and didn’t see cushions on them, so he stayed carefully, kneeling with his hands on his knees and looking down in silence. He would have liked a cushion after his knees rammed into the wood cabinets repeatedly, but if Zi didn’t buy them, there was no point in asking. Virgil waited patiently while Zi ate, slightly tapping his knees as he stared at the tiles in the dining room.

“I’m finished, kitten. You can eat in the kitchen, now,” Zi said, standing up from the dining chair and leaving the dining room. Virgil kept his eyes downcast and waited for Zi to clear out of the room before he got up to take his dishes to the sink. He opted to just re-use Zi’s plate to make fewer dishes and served himself some food. He was starving after Zi fucked him against the counter. Hopefully, Zi’s good mood would hold out and he wouldn’t change his mind. Virgil wanted to eat a proper dinner, unlike his last few days of a tiny amount of secret snacking and a side salad.

After Virgil put away the leftovers and cleaned up the kitchen and dining room, he looked around for a moment, feeling lost. He normally had very busy evenings, but he did everything he should have done already today. Virgil went to go check where Zi was. He was in his home office, so Virgil couldn’t disturb him. He didn’t have permission to watch TV, so he decided to just lay back on the couch with his headphones and listen to music and text his friends.

He asked Roman how rehearsal went and reassured Roman that he was okay. He also messaged Patton and Remus saying hi before just laying back and closing his eyes while he listened to his favourite songs on the couch. He laid under one of the freshly cleaned throws and happily reclined. It was a pleasant day and a relaxing evening. He was still worried about Zi’s mood flipping, but things seemed okay so far. But right now things were nice. Yesterday felt miles away. Maybe things could turn around. Maybe they already have.

“How’s my kitten?” Zi asked, leaning over the top of the couch a little while later. Virgil turned off his music and took off his headphones.

“Happy to see you,” Virgil smiled.

“Have you been good?” Zi asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I have done nothing I don’t have permission to do, but only master can decide that,” Virgil said a little cheekily.

“That he _does_ , pet,” Zi smirked and came around the couch. Virgil sat up for Zi to have room to sit down, and Zi pulled Virgil into his lap. Zi was pleasantly warm and Virgil happily pressed against him. “You can touch me, pet, I know you want to,” Zi said after a moment, and Virgil wrapped his arms around Zi in return. “We need to discuss your expectations now that I’m supporting you further,”

“Yes, master,” Virgil whispered. Oh, he hated this part. This is what he was afraid of.

“Kitten, no need to panic,” Zi pet his hair gently, but Virgil still clung a little tighter to Zi than necessary. “You’ve been a decent sub lately. None of that defiance or fighting back like you used to do. You remember your manners and your postures very well. You do still disobey the rules from time to time, but I’ve seen the efforts of you making it up to me. Perhaps you’re just slow-witted and don’t realize you’re doing it. I can forgive that if you are always as willing to accept your punishments as you have been lately, and I can keep training that disobedient streak out of you,”

“I am, master,” Virgil whispered. It was much easier to accept them than to fight back. The punishments for fighting back were much worse than the ones he was objecting to originally.

“Good boy. And do you acknowledge that I and my house are your priority from now on? There’s nothing of greater importance?” Zillah asked seriously.

“Yes, master,” Virgil nodded weakly.

“That means no more going out without me since you’re _slow_ and don’t seem to follow,” Zi said. Virgil stiffened.

“Master, but what if you don’t need me, and the house is fully managed?” Virgil asked carefully.

“It _hurts_ me when you leave me alone to worry about you and what you’re getting up to,” Zi said, sounding sad.

“I’m _so_ sorry master, I didn’t realize-” Virgil started to panic. He didn’t want to hurt Zi.

“You _didn’t_. Sometimes I wonder if you’re _capable_. But I love you despite your glaring flaws,” Zi cut Vigil off and rubbed his back. Virgil paused.

“What if I-” Virgil tried to suggest more video calls and texting while he’s out.

“There’s no arguing this, kitten. You’ve been so good lately about not fighting back, why break the streak and be punished again?” Zi chided warningly.

“I’m sorry master, I didn’t intend it as fighting back. I’m just _dumb_ and don’t follow,” Virgil apologized sadly. “I trust you that there’s no compromise,”

“That’s a good kitten. I expect you to keep up the house in pristine condition and meet my needs. I will be asking more of you, but I trust you can handle it,” Zi said silkily.

“I will do anything for you, master,” Virgil said, feeling despondent.

“Good. If I see any of that defiant streak or fighting back resurface, your punishments will be much more severe,” Zi added coolly.

“I understand, master. It’s for my own good,” Virgil said submissively, laying his head down on Zi’s chest. “For _clarity_ , not because I’m trying to argue, does that mean I have to wait for you to be available to go run errands?” He asked meekly.

“Yes, pet, outside of circumstances I might give you special permission for if they come up. Assume you can’t leave without me at all times, other than taking care of the yard. And if you are taking care of the yard, you are not to interact with anyone outside,” Zi said firmly.

“Even _dogs_?” Virgil asked despondently.

“Pet, what is your _obsession_ with dogs? Of course even dogs,” Zi sounded exasperated.

“Sorry, master, they’re just cute and loyal,” Virgil muttered.

“Oh, I see. Just like you, pet,” Zi chuckled and kissed Virgil’s head. Virgil would have resented being compared to an animal if he wasn’t already well aware he wasn’t much better than a dog. He was too happy about Zi finally admitting that Virgil was loyal and wouldn’t betray or cheat on him, anyway.

“You mean it? You think I’m cute and loyal?” Virgil asked hopefully. 

“ _Sometimes_. You’re cute in my lap with your freshly fucked hair,” Zi chuckled and ruffled Virgil’s hair. Virgil blushed and looked down in embarrassment. “As long as you keep your interactions to your current friends and brother and don’t talk to strangers, I’ll believe you’re loyal for now,” Virgil just gave up the rest of his independence for Zi, so he damn well better finally believe he’s loyal.

“Thank you, master, that makes me very happy,” Virgil said softly.

“I’m thinking of taking you to a play party again, just to show off your progress,” Zi mused and Virgil flinched in Zi’s lap, looking up to him with fear in his eyes.

“What is it _now_ , pet?” Zi sounded very annoyed.

“I’m scared of someone else touching me. I don’t like anybody touching me but you. Some of the other Doms there don’t respect your wishes as much as they should,” Virgil whispered. He also didn’t want to be paraded around like a dog, but mostly he didn’t want to be punished again because someone else was handsy despite the party rules.

“That is a fair point, pet. You are just so tempting to mark up. I’ll see if we can just do a scene and leave. Then I can show you off and no other Doms will be allowed to get close to the stage. That way no one can get close enough to break the rules,” Zi said, sounding like he was seriously considering it. Virgil didn’t want to do a scene in public. He didn’t want anybody seeing him like that. But if it’s what Zi wanted, he had no place to argue. “You’re being fairly quiet despite your trepidation, pet,”

“Whatever you wish, master,” Virgil whispered.

“What a good boy. Let’s watch a movie together,” Zi leaned forward and held Virgil in his lap to grab the remote, not letting go. The contact was glorious. Virgil felt like he barely got any non-sexual contact lately or it kept getting cut off too soon. But Zi didn’t seem to have any plan of letting go of Virgil. He stroked Virgil’s bare skin on his back while Zi clicked around in a streaming service picking what to watch. Virgil nestled against him and watched the TV with one eye, but he was too out of it to pay much attention.

“Master? Remus asked last weekend if maybe we could go on a double date hike this weekend? I know a great place with a waterfall, and lots of tree-cover on the trail,” Virgil asked carefully. “Would you be interested?”

“Not next weekend, pet. I’m not sure I like you around Remus. Isn’t he a switch? What if he can’t keep his hands off you?” Zi accused him.

“I mean, yeah, so is Logan. But they’re monogamous, and we’ve never seen each other like that. He’s been my only friend in the scene for a long time. I’m… well… I _was_ a switch, too,” Virgil said sheepishly.

“And I’m happy I helped you realize that’s not what you _really_ wanted, pet. Maybe another time after you’ve proven yourself better,” Zi said dismissively. Zi just said Virgil was loyal. Virgil guessed he was set back to questionably loyal again. He was bitter about it, but Zi was mercurial sometimes. This wasn’t new.

“Okay, master. Thank you for considering it,” Virgil said, feeling a little defeated.

“Are there lots of private spots at this park?” Zi asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Virgil said curiously.

“Maybe we can go out there some time,” Zi smiled oddly at Virgil. Virgil wasn’t sure how to parse that bemused expression, but being allowed to go hiking was a pleasant idea. Zi and Virgil used to go together all the time before he became a full-time sub. It would be nice to do it again. Virgil didn’t like the reminder that it had been months since they had been on a regular date and felt a little heartbroken.

“I’d like that, master,” Virgil whispered and turned back to the TV. “Do you still want breakfast at the same time or an hour later like we do on the weekends?”

“An hour later. I never liked waking up early _just_ for you. I’ll tell you the night before if I need to change the time, pet. All the more time to spend together in the night,” Zi said darkly with an impish smirk. Virgil hoped he wouldn’t keep Virgil up significantly later. He wanted to go to bed earlier tonight, if anything, even if he got to sleep in an hour late. He might even fall asleep here in Zi’s arms. The movie wasn’t holding his attention as much as how warm and comfortable he felt was. Zi smelled so nice, too. He felt warmer than he had in ages.

“Does my choice in movie _bore_ you?” Zi asked, sounding a little frustrated.

“No, master,” Virgil said with concern that he upset Zi, looking up to him carefully.

“Pet, are you already tired?” Zi asked, stroking Virgil’s skin gently under his shirt. Virgil yawned slightly. Zi didn’t sound that upset. His fingers grazing Virgil’s back so delicately was both a good sign and very distracting.

“Yes. Master. I’m sorry. I’m trying to stay awake until you say I can to go to bed, I promise,” Virgil said and fiddled with Zi’s shirt.

“But your brain is shutting off despite you?” Zi sounded nearly chiding.

“I’ll stay awake, master. I’m just too stupid to follow a movie. I don’t know why that guy punched the other guy and I’ve been watching the screen. If I was more awake, I’m sure I’d like it,” Virgil explained. “My brain would just rather pay attention to you, I guess,” Virgil yawned again.

“You’re sweet even when you’re a complete idiot,” Zi laughed.

“Which is always,” Virgil chuckled. Zi laughed a little harder and continued stroking his back, feeling the bumps and scars. The welts had finally gone down into weird bruises, so the skin was very sore, but Zi’s touch was featherlight. So it was kind of intense, but not painful.

“Do you want permission to take a nap, pet?” Zi asked.

“No, master, I want to stay awake with you right here,” Virgil murmured. “I wouldn’t trade this for anything,” Zi made a satisfied humming noise in his throat. Virgil exhaled and melted against Zi’s smooth and gentle touches. Virgil was so happy here with him. He had a full stomach and his tasks were done and Zi loved him and everything was calm. Things felt idyllic instead of turbulent and uncertain for once.

Zi never put Virgil down until he laid him down on the foot of the bed. It was like magic it was so wonderful. He reached for Virgil’s blanket and unfolded it to lay over Virgil, who yawned again as he settled on the bed. Virgil gripped the blanket as soon as Zi draped it over him, already feeling a little cold now that he was separate from Zi.

“You can sleep now, pet,” Zi stoked Virgil’s hair once before straightening back up.

“Thank you for the wonderful evening master,” Virgil said quietly, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Go to sleep, kitten,” Zi turned off the bedroom light and headed to bed himself. Virgil’s eyelids got heavy quickly, and he drifted off peacefully after Zi had settled into bed.


	8. But It Never Felt Like Love

Virgil grunted with effort as he finished his final set of pull-ups on the bar in the bedroom. Things had been so nice since he quit his job. Zi was happy as Virgil made all his meals and kept the house completely spotless. There were a few hiccups here and there, but things were mostly good. Virgil didn’t mind the blow jobs with breakfast, either. They always seemed to put Zi in a good mood before work, which meant unless he had a rough day at the office what they got up to in the evenings wasn’t as bad. Zi definitely set out to make Virgil hurt when he sat today with his spankings last night, but there was no blood involved. He wished Zi would be a little more affectionate, still; he had gotten little non-sexual attention since they watched TV together over a week ago. But there were a few hugs here and kisses there and it was good enough. Virgil was probably being greedy.

Virgil dried off his forehead with a towel and chugged some water before walking through the house and making sure everything was handled the way Zi wanted it to be. Virgil fluffed the pillows on the couch and cleaned his desk. But otherwise, everything was clean and organized. He already had some steak marinating in red wine in the fridge for dinner, so he just had to go out back and start the charcoal.

After making sure the coals were in place and the fire was going, Virgil leaned back on a patio chair and took a deep breath of the late afternoon air outside on the patio. Zi had a really nice back yard. He checked the time. He had a little while both before the coals were ready and dinner was due. Remus should already be off work today. He went ahead and took the chance to video call him. Video calls normally made him too nervous. He really missed human contact after quitting. Zi had even got them a grocery delivery service, so he didn’t even get to awkwardly smile at some cashier. It was lonely.

“Virgil!” Remus’s grin popped up. “You hate video calling! What’s up? Are you okay?” He frowned suddenly.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. No, I just missed you. Are you free to chat or is this just a quick look at your face kinda thing?” Virgil asked hopefully. It was so nice to see his face. Any other human’s face.

“Yeah, I’m free, right Logi?” Remus leaned back and Logan’s face appeared on the screen next to Remus’s.

“Yes, we were just watching TV. How are you doing, Virgil?” Logan asked with a small smile and a wave.

“Really good. How’s putting up with Remus?” Virgil smirked.

“We had a particularly exciting experiment last night,” Logan smiled fondly at Remus.

“… Is this the weird way y’all talk about sex?” Virgil asked curiously, eying them suspiciously.

“No! Well, sometimes. I do have a lab coat that Remus finds attractive,” Logan shrugged.

“Ugh, dude, I better not be about to hear about beakers going up your asshole,” Virgil stuck his tongue out in disgust.

“No,” Remus laughed and Logan turned red. “Logi would never take the risk of broken glass during sex. We set the bathtub a little on fire playing with pure sodium,” Remus explained plainly, but he looked incredibly bemused.

“How do you set something _a little_ on fire?” Virgil asked, feeling very confused.

“The sodium set on fire a _bit_ more than anticipated. It didn’t spread very far,” Logan smiled. “That’s the whole point of trying the experiment, of course,” Logan explained with a satisfied smile.

“Science!” Remus cheered with a wild grin.

“You’re _definitely_ not getting your security deposit back,” Virgil chuckled and shook his head.

“No, I sincerely doubt it,” Logan nodded in agreement, but he looked amused.

“Eh, fuck the security deposit. I never get mine back,” Remus made an annoyed face, and he leaned forward and must have placed the phone on something when the screen wavered and suddenly stabilized.

“Because you install sex swings and stuff all the time. The holes are massive and spackle would never hide them,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“True. Hey, Zillah’s probably got some pretty cool equipment, right? He can install anything he wants and has a whole house to do it in,” Remus admitted and leaned back against the couch.

“Yeah, he’s got a collection,” Virgil chuckled nervously. “There’s not much outside of the bedroom, though. His mom visits sometimes and even Zillah doesn’t want to have that conversation,” Virgil smirked. “Though, I heard the last time she visited she thought my cage was for a dog,”

“Cage play? Kinky. Wait, Virge, you’re _claustrophobic_. Why _the fuck_ are you doing cage play?” Remus asked, furrowing his eyebrow and sounding angry.

“It’s not for if I’m _good_ , dork. You know I’m pretty vanilla. I’m not a big fan of being restrained tightly. It always gets to me, eventually. I still don’t mind shibari, obviously, if it’s not too tight,” Virgil said dismissively.

“Virgil, if you don’t like it, you shouldn’t be doing it,” Logan said, also looking concerned now. Remus still looked upset, but his eyebrows drooped into worry.

“I just said it wasn’t for if I’m good. You know I’m not a big fan of discussing specifics. If you wanted to see some of his gear, I can give you a quick video walk-through, though. Just no asking how we use it,” Virgil offered. Logan and Remus looked at each other for a moment.

“Yeah, Virgil, why don’t you give us a quick walk-through? That is if Zillah isn’t home?” Remus agreed, sounding nervous for some reason. This stuff was his bread and butter, so Virgil wasn’t sure why he seemed hesitant. Maybe it was about bothering Zi or something.

“Yeah, he’s not off work for another two hours. I’m warming the grill to make him steak out back, see?” Virgil flipped the camera to show them the grill and backyard. “Zi’s got a killer patio. Firepit and everything,” He said reverently. He did a slow pan to show off the backyard. Virgil was proud of how green he managed to keep the lawn.

“It is nice. Why don’t you show us some stuff? I don’t think I’ve seen the house in general,” Remus suggested, sounding off-handed.

“Yeah, I don’t think you have either. That’s weird, I’ve lived here like two years now or something. I guess Zi likes his privacy. Don’t tell him I’m doing this, just in case,” Virgil said, getting up from his patio chair and grunting, rubbing his sore butt when he stretched. Virgil lied out of his ass for this, but he sounded convincing enough. He didn't want them over. The rules for guests was not something Virgil wanted to do with them. He was also pretty sure Zillah didn't like Remus. 

“No, Virge, we’re on your side,” Remus insisted quickly. “We wouldn’t ever tell him anything we talked about, right, Logi?” He sounded kind of oddly desperate when he said that.

“Of course,” Logan adjusted his glasses and nodded.

“Thanks, I guess? That is nice to hear. He gets weird sometimes. He’s very protective of me. It’s sweet,” Virgil said, walking into the house.

“So this is the living room. The couch is comfortable,” Virgil said, panning around the room. Remus whistled.

“It is immaculately organized and clean. I appreciate that,” Logan told him.

“Thanks! I’ve been trying to keep it nice,” Virgil headed into the dining room. “Here’s the dining room. We just got cushions the other day, which is great on my knees,” Virgil headed into the kitchen. “Here’s the kitchen. Probably kind of boring, so I’ll just go through quick,” Virgil said, not bothering to pan much. “Zillah decorates it all himself, he’s got nice taste. I don’t think he’d like me showing you his office, so I’ll skip that one. There’s also just a mirror in the hall so I won’t bother with it. There’s a room for storage, it’s mostly my stuff. It’s pretty boring in there, too. Here’s our shit table. Zillah put up one of my paintings over it and there are some cool decorations,” Virgil panned over the table to show them the little carved dragons and his painting.

“That’s a beautiful little box, but what’s that for? Why would you have a padlocked box on a table you literally throw your shit on?” Remus asked.

“Oh, my keys and wallet are in there. I don’t have permission to leave so it’s locked right now. There’s an emergency key somewhere in his office, I think, but I haven’t seen it recently. There are not really that many emergencies I need my keys and wallet for. It’s just something that Zi likes to do,” Virgil shrugged, poking at the box.

“That’s… concerning, Virgil,” Logan said carefully.

“He’s never _not_ unlocked it when I’ve asked him to, he just enjoys having excuses to make me ask for stuff. We’re TPE 24/7 so it’s not like I’m not always asking him for shit. I don’t know any other TPE 24/7 couples, so maybe it’s not that weird. I got used to it pretty quickly. Anyway, the hall bath is boring, but the one in the bedroom is nice,” Virgil went down the hall to open the door to the bedroom.

“Okay, so here’s where most of the BDSM stuff is. Zi likes to keep it close. In front of the closet here is a Saint Andrew’s cross and a bar he suspends from the ceiling, though we’ve changed it out for the sex swing once or twice. He likes to keep the bar out in case I’ve been bad, but lately, I’ve been using the bar for pull-ups. It’s all industrial grade stuff,” Virgil zoomed on the hardware in the beam on the ceiling. “It supports up to two thousand pounds. Absolutely wild. He could raise it all the way up to the ceiling and swing me from it and nothing would even creak,” Virgil said in awe of the gear still.

“He doesn’t hang you from your limbs from the ceiling though, right?” Logan asked. “That would be incredibly painful,”

“Yeah, and you’re afraid of heights,” Remus added, the concern returning again. Virgil exhaled in annoyance.

“That’s specifics,” Virgil grunted and flipped the screen to make a face at them.

“It’s not that specific,” Remus said back, looking worried.

“Ugh, fine. I will answer vaguely that it’s pretty rare to have me that high. Though recently I set it and did a pull up to sit on the bar and swing from it like a kid. It was stupid fun. I’ll probably make it part of my new work out routine now that I have free time again,” Virgil smirked. Virgil flipped the camera back. “Okay, there’re tons of rope and hardware stuff in the closet, but it’s nothing you couldn’t see in some hardware store. Zip ties and carabiners and those kinds of things. A bunch of different kinds of rope fibers. And the door frame has these little metal loops to use as another St. Andrew’s cross-type situation, though the big metal one right next to the closet can recline. Right next to it is my dresser, but the top drawer has some gentler stuff in it. Ticklers and silks and those things. Oh, and a Wattenberg wheel, but he doesn’t use that one very gently. There’s also a selection on candles over here. There are two bedside tables, and one of them is where we keep all the toys,” Virgil said, walking over to the bed.

“Woo toys!” Remus cheered. Now that was a more anticipated reaction from him.

“Yeah, I figured you’d want to see them. We don’t use them that often otherwise I’d be too weirded out to show you. It’s one thing to look at them in-store and another to show you something that’s been used. Top drawer’s accessories. Collars, cuffs, clamps, et cetra. Oh, and a few kinds of gags. The cuffs are the cooler things in here. The metal ones look nice, but they really bruise my freakin’ bones, I don’t recommend them even if you can afford high dollar shit like this. I like this leather stuff better. The black lambskin collar is my favourite. I think you’ve seen me wear it before. It all looks pretty cool, really. There’s also various padlocks and things in here to lock them,” Virgil mused, sort of lifting things to show the stuff under them. He closed the top drawer and went one drawer down.

“This one’s butt plugs and vibrators and cock rings. Pretty standard fare, though these metal prostate-aimed butt plugs are awesome and are a high dollar item I’ll recommend if you promise never to bring it up again,” Virgil said firmly.

“Lips sealed!” Remus did a zipping motion across his mouth. “Any other ones you recommend? I don’t recognize some of it,” Remus said excitedly.

“Hm, this metal C-shaped wand is cool. We’ve got a bad dragon dildo that I absolutely will not show you that I recommend. It’s in this box so the silicone doesn’t get messed up. As I said, we don’t use lots of this stuff. Zi’s more into the stuff under the bed,” Virgil tapped a shoebox. “You’ll just have to make wild guesses off of the website that I will never confirm or deny. Though, I will talk about how cool they look. Sometimes I just browse them for fun,” Virgil chuckled. “Next one down is condoms and lube and wipes and that kind of stuff. Also boring. Though we have like 8 different brands of lube for some reason. We don’t really use condoms anymore, either. We only used them until both our STD tests came back clean when I started subbing for him,”

“If you like toys then why don’t you use them much?” Logan asked. “Isn’t that what you and Remus bonded over at that play party you met at, other than shibari?”

“It is, yeah,” Virgil chuckled. “But that’s kind of a specifics thing, and this is just a candy store tour for bondage nerds, not a Virgil talks about fucking thing. My sex life is still private, thank you very much. Even if I don’t mind geeking out over toys, still I don’t want to be asked about how I use ‘em,” Virgil insisted. Virgil pulled a big bin out from under the bed. “Okay, now back to the candy store. Here’s the stuff you probably want to see. Leather harnesses, spreaders, a few crops, muzzles, various instruments of hitting,” Virgil showed off every item in turn. “There’s also some leashes, some vampire gloves, a few specialty cuffs and blindfolds, arm splints, thigh sling…”

“Damn,” Remus looked impressed and whistled.

“Yeah, Zi went crazy with buying this stuff. Who needs two crops? Oh, there’s also 3 floggers, but they’re each a different kind,” Virgil showed them. “I get three of these. I’d love to use one sometime.” Virgil flicked one absentmindedly.

“Does Zillah never sub for you?” Logan asked.

“No, he’s a dom, not a switch. That’s a dumb question. Quit pushing it with the personal questions,” Virgil huffed. “Okay, this next box has fetish gear,” Virgil closed up the bin and pulled out another. “Corsets, straight jacket, various leather bondage accouterments, some latex fetish stuff. There’s an adjustable leather strap in here for basically every body part and you can hook it to anything. Also, some yokes and connectors type things,” Virgil dug through the bin and showed ones that looked particularly cool.

“Oh, what’s that thick with four c’s leather thing in the back?” Remus asked with a vested interest.

“That’s a sensory deprivation suit and if you don’t mind I’d really rather not show that one. I don’t even like looking at it,” Virgil shuddered. “It’s terrifying. I can’t believe some people pay for it as relaxing leisure time,”

“I think the float pods differ from a suit, but I’m afraid I’ve never tried the suit to compare. I enjoyed floating, though,” Logan provided.

“Yeah, we had a coupon!” Remus smirked. “But, I mean, that thing looks objectively kind of scary. It’s like a half-inch of leather, at least. You probably couldn’t move at all. You can stretch out in a float pod,”

“No, you can’t move. I’m glad Zi doesn’t have a basement or he might have bought one of those vacuum seal rubber ones,” Virgil shuddered. “Anyway, the last bin under here is the more hardcore stuff. I don’t know if you want to see it,” Virgil said, closing up the bin and pulling out one more.

“No, go ahead, we’re in this deep,” Remus said, looking a little worried.

“Okay,” Virgil opened the lid.

“Woah, that’s a lot of metal,” Remus said, looking impressed and concerned.

“Yeah. Cages and chastity stuff, the clamps and suction things that hurt, some sounding rods, dilators, electrosex toys, and a few knives,”

“Knives?” Logan shot suddenly, sounding extremely concerned.

“Yeah, we sterilize them with isopropyl alcohol, don’t worry,” Virgil said, spinning one in his hand.

“That’s even worse, dude,” Remus said. “He doesn’t like…”

“ _Hey_. You’ve already pushed it plenty with the specifics questions. You said you wanted to see the hardcore bin,” Virgil said angrily.

“This isn’t a sex question, Virgil, it’s a safety question. Are they for role-play or for use?”

“We don’t do role play,” Virgil said in frustration. “Take that as you will. I’m completely ignoring any other specifics questions,” Virgil huffed and flipped the camera back around to close the lid and put it back under the bed. “We have some fetish type outfits in the closet, but they’re kind of embarrassing, so I’d rather not show you. They don’t leave a lot to the imagination. Lemme show you the bathtub, it’s the best thing about living here,” Virgil got up and went into the bathroom.

“Look! Jets! It’s like a private hot tub! I rarely get permission to use it, but holy shit!” Virgil said excitedly, showing them the tub. “It’s heavenly! But also a big waste of water, so I feel bad using it. The shower is also massive. Don’t ask about the loops in the wall because I’m not fucking answering a thing,” Virgil said, showing them the shower. “Even a shower seat. The water heater is scalding hot, too,” Virgil flipped the camera back. “That’s everything. I hope you had fun. Let me go outside and check on the coals,” Virgil left the bedroom and headed back into the living room.

“Virgil, would you mind showing us the cage before you head back outside?” Logan asked with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Ugh, yeah, I guess,” Virgil sighed and flipped the camera back, showing them the cage next to his desk.

“Isn’t that kind of _small_? For a _person_?” Remus said carefully.

“Yeah, it sucks. Are you done looking at it? I try not to acknowledge it most of the time,” Virgil grunted.

“Y-yeah. Sorry,” Remus said awkwardly. 

“It’s cool, I offered the BDSM tour. The fun and the not-fun stuff,” Virgil shrugged and went back outside. He put the phone down to poke and shift the coals to make sure they all heat up properly. “Okay, back. Coals aren’t ready yet so I still have some time to chat before I have to make Zi’s dinner,” Virgil picked back up the phone. 

“It is a veritable candy store, I suppose,” Logan swallowed.

“Yeah, all that leather stuff is thousands of dollars. He’s also got two sex swings, which I feel is overkill. He’s been collecting a long time,” Virgil sat back carefully on the patio chair.

“Virgil, um, bud…” Remus started.

“No to be presumptuous, but are you safe with Zillah?” Logan finished.

“Of course I am. What, did the knives creep you out? They creep me out too, to be honest,” Virgil replied with a dry chuckle. “I mean I can do some cool tricks with knives but I’m not a big fan of them in general,” Virgil added off-handedly.

“It’s just a few different things, Virge. But yeah, the knives creep me out. I mean, they’re cool looking knives, but…” Remus trailed off.

“I’m fine, guys. I appreciate that you care enough to ask. But it’s been over two years. I’m sure if there were any red flags you would have told me when I first met him,” Virgil reassured them.

“Yeah, I suppose. He was nice and attentive when you first started dating,” Remus said, not sounding convinced.

“Virgil, do you really do TPE 24/7? I didn’t take you for the type,” Logan asked, and Virgil squinted suspiciously at him. “And I’m not asking about the sexual interactions, so there’s no need to shut me down,”

“Yeah. I do,” Virgil sighed. “You know the drill, always call him master, remember manners, postures, and poses. Take care of him, take orders, take the training. I don’t really need it, but he does, and I like making him happy,”

“What does he do for you?” Logan asked.

“Oh. Hm. I’m sure there’s something but I don’t really know. The training and stuff are supposed to be for my own good. Obviously, recently he started paying for more things so I could focus on my art and get more sleep, but I’m not sure what it was before that, other than regular relationship stuff,” Virgil said ponderously.

“Were there special stipulations when he offered?” Logan asked.

“Yeah, there were a few. I mean, I’m not happy about _all_ of them, but I’m very happy not temping anymore, so it’s just a trade-off. Plus, Zillah’s much happier, too, and I think that’s worth it,” Virgil said.

“Does his mood affect your life that much?” Logan asked.

“What is this, twenty questions? I’m his sub. We live together. _Of course_ it does,” Virgil groaned, flopping back in the chair. What was with them today? 

“I think Logi means to ask is that if he’s not happy, does it make your life harder?” Remus tried to clarify.

“Yes, that is what I mean. Thank you,” Logan smiled at him and looked to Virgil to answer.

“I think that’s another duh thing, guys. When he’s stressed, he likes… well. That’s none of your business. But when he’s happy he’s gentler and hugs me and I get more permissions to do things,” Virgil answered him. “You’re getting back into sexual territory,” Virgil warned.

“I didn’t intend to. I didn’t realize his moods would be linked to your sex life. It was simply a question about lifestyle,” Logan responded, looking concerned. 

“Woah, Virge, I think you implied something kinda _spooky_ back there,” Remus said, sounding like he just realized something.

“What is it _now_ , you giant worry-wart?” Virgil groaned and leaned back, feeling annoyed.

“That he’s not gentle and doesn’t hug you and gives you less permission when he’s stressed,” Remus said, sounding upset.

“What? Oh. _Oh_!” Logan exclaimed. “Virgil that is concerning,” Logan cinched his face in distress.

“I think that’s just how life works. I mean, parents are like that, too,” Virgil explained and flipped his free hand.

“I think your parents are assholes, actually,” Logan deadpanned.

“They _disowned_ me and Roman for being gay art kids, so I think that's a given,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, Virge, he means that that’s a shitty thing that your parents did that, too,” Remus groaned.

“Yes, I did,” Logan nodded.

“I don’t have to listen to you badmouthing the love of my life, you know. I respect you and your opinions, but I don’t appreciate the things you’re saying,” Virgil glowered at him.

“We’re sorry, Virgil. We could be misreading the situation. We aren’t close to Zillah and know very little about your home life. Remus says you barely talk about it in the first place and it’s always been like that,” Logan said consolingly.

“Thanks,” Virgil sighed.

“But let me ask you this,” Logan started and Virgil groaned loudly. “No. It’s just a simple question. You respect us and our opinions and we do for you in turn. But does he do that for you?” Logan asked. Virgil was about to retaliate, but he froze.

“I don’t like that you have to think about that question,” Remus said, sounding kind of upset.

“I… don’t think I’m a fan of having to think about it either,” Virgil muttered. “Listen, I’ve got to get going to make his dinner,” Virgil felt like he needed to end this conversation. He didn't like thinking about this. He didn't want to think about this. 

“I also don’t like that you keep calling it his dinner,” Remus retorted and Virgil rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he’d be allowed to eat yet, so Virgil was just going to sneak some food while cooking like he always does when Zi wasn’t watching him closely. Virgil wasn't allowed to eat beef either way, so this part was Zillah's alone, anyway. 

“But I’ll think about it, okay? He’s always looked out for me and taken care of me. But I get that things aren’t black and white and people can be kind in some ways and assholes in others. Can I trust you to keep it private and not ask for too many specifics if I ask questions to get some outside perspective?” Virgil asked carefully.

“Yeah, you can always trust me, Virge,” Remus nodded.

“I know we haven’t known each other as long as you and Remus have been compatriots, but I stake my honor on it,” Logan said seriously.

“Gay,” Virgil chuckled. Logan looked shocked.

“Yes, I’m gay, what’s your point?” Logan asked.

“He’s calling you a _drama queen_ , babe,” Remus laughed.

“Oh. Well, we’re free at the same time next week. That’s plenty of time to think about things. But you can always text us beforehand at any time to talk. I thought a scheduled time would make it easier on you as someone who is used to relinquishing control,” Logan offered, and there was an unreadable expression on his face.

“It does, in a weird way. I’ll think about it. Thanks for being good friends. Until then, assume I’m just as okay as I always am, all right? Just because I’m questioning one thing doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in red flag central. I mean, I’m dumb, but I’m not blind,” Virgil chuckled. Logan’s lips tightened, and he hummed, but he said nothing.

“Don’t worry about him. Thanks for showing us the candy store! Plus, it was nice to see your face. Have an enjoyable dinner that you are _most certainly_ eating!” Remus smiled and said, and it sounded oddly accusatory.

“I will, you too,” Virgil waved and rolled his eyes with exasperation. Remus’s finger reached out and ended the call. Virgil wasn't looking forward to the searing sound when the steak hit the grill, but hopefully, he'll just smell the wine and it won't be so bad. Zillah wanted steak, though. Virgil went over to go check to see if the coals were ready on the grill for the steak. 


	9. The Way You Made Me Feel

“Pet, stop shaking so much. Control yourself. I’m the only one here allowed to hurt you,” Zi hissed into Virgil’s ear as he pushed Virgil into the venue through the back entrance. “You know you like this attention, don’t lie to me,” Zi said angrily. Virgil bit his tongue. Zi’s never believed him about his hate for public things and humiliation. He’s always insisting Virgil wants things like this. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want people to see what Zi will do to him, even in a non-sexual scene. He hates being here in these revealing clothes. He hates the chastity belt because Zi didn’t trust him. He hates that he doesn’t even know what Zillah will do to him up there. He hates everything about this.

Zillah pushed Virgil down on a chair in the hall angrily. At least he doesn’t have to be near the others. He just has to put on a show and leave. If it thinks about it like that, maybe things are okay. It’s just a scene, right? They do them every night. And this one is sex-free. So it’s actually easier than normal. It’s just pain, and Zi won’t be trying to overstimulate him. Virgil can handle pain. He’s skilled at handling pain, he’s had tons of practice. He just wanted more than anything nobody would actually see him. At least a mask or something. Even the illusion of anonymity would be better than this. Virgil swallowed and looked up to Zillah.

“Pet, get a hold of yourself. I will not be happy with you if you embarrass me at this party. Your fear of the other people should not be greater than your love for me,” Zillah hissed, squeezing Virgil’s bare shoulder hard.

“I do love you more, master, I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” Virgil whispered. “I’m weak for being scared. I trust you. Can you please tell me one last time that another person won’t touch me? For my dumb, stupid, defective, useless brain?” Virgil looked to Zillah hopefully. If he could as least have that reassurance he could make it. He didn’t think he could handle being punished after whatever Zi would do to him up there.

“No one else will touch you, pet,” Zi stroked Virgil’s hair with his other hand. “You look very fetching, black and blue and laced up in a corset. But I was very clear with the event organizers to remind everyone that touching people’s property is an automatic ban. You can stay back here until the scene. When I come back, I expect you to have composed yourself or you will be punished harshly,” Zi said very critically.

“Yes, master. I will. Thank you. My brain’s just so fucking stupid sometimes. I already feel better, see?” Virgil held out his hand that wasn’t shaking anymore. “I don’t know why it couldn’t have just listened the first time you told me. I won’t embarrass you, master,” Virgil said, perhaps still with a little more nervousness in his tone then Zi would have liked, but Zi seemed to accept it since he nodded and dropped the leash. He Left Virgil alone in this back hall on the bench and headed towards a door.

Virgil watched him go through the door and swallowed heavily. Why’d it have to be one of the big venues and not just a house play party? So many people would see him. Virgil held his naked arms in lieu of his jacket, rubbing them. He just wanted his hoodie so he could bury himself in it. The big one. Not the nice new one he still couldn’t bring himself to wear. Maybe he could fit his entire body in it. Then he could just hide until the sun goes away. Zi would never let him do that, though. But right now hiding was all Virgil could think about.

He tried to breathe. He would have to just breathe through the fear, the scene, the pain, the people, absolutely everything. He was more scared of Zi’s punishment than he was the scene or the pain. He just had to be not embarrassed. But it was hard in this outfit. Virgil would have been fine wearing this at home. It was kind of cute. Fishnets, big boots, shorts, and a waist corset. He wasn’t a fan of being here with so much skin out. He’d kill for a cropped jacket. He had one. A black long sleeve crop jacket. He’d even take opera gloves. Zi insisted the metal cuffs and collar looked best against his bare skin and that he’d have to take the jacket off anyway, and Zi didn’t want to have to carry it. Virgil didn’t want to show half of the BDSM scene in the city, all the marks and bruises, and scars on his skin. Those were between Zi and him, damnit.

But he was here, and Zi didn’t go back on these kinds of things. Not the things Virgil wanted. Virgil closed his eyes and just focused on breathing so he could calm down. He started counting long inhales and exhales. He wished he could at least have his hoodie in the car for the trip home. Now is not the time. Breathing time. Can’t embarrass Zi. Just breathe through the next half hour or so and he can go home where it’s safe and there are no people looking at him or thinking about him in ways he didn’t want. Breathing time. Count with the beat of the music through the wall. Virgil’s chain leash lifted and Virgil looked up to see Zi guide him to the stage. Showtime. It’ll all be over soon. It’ll be okay. Zi won’t let anyone touch him. There’s a whole stage between him and them and they won’t be able to see him that close.

The door opened, and the music was immediately unbearable. How could people have any fun with music this loud? What is it sadism for your ears? Is everyone a sub to the club? He didn’t remember the music being this loud the last time he was here. Virgil took another deep breath and kept his arms behind him while he followed Zi out on to the stage. Virgil glanced up without moving his head from submissively looking to the floor and was relieved to see bars to hold on to. At least there was that.

“Position one, slave,” Zi ordered loudly and Virgil bowed before heading over to the bar. He grabbed it and leaned forward, positioning his back to be flat with his legs in a wide stance.

“Thank you, master,” Virgil responded and readied himself. If he’s too tense, it’ll hurt worse. He wasn’t shaking, but he just couldn’t drop the tension from his muscles. It had to be good enough. He stared at the floor of the stage and tried to relax. A whip cracked in the air behind him. Oh, shit. Not the fucking whip. Virgil swallowed and braced himself. He may as well not fight the tension anymore, because he can’t just breathe through this pain. He just had to hold out until he was too far away to flinch.

The whip came down quick and hard. At least he could close his eyes. Virgil scrunched his face tight and choked back the pained noise in his throat. At least the music was so loud that if he made any small noises nobody would hear him and he wouldn’t embarrass Zi. There was another crack and another lash came. This time, they didn’t stop. Zi was very skilled with a whip. He didn’t hit the same spot twice. He hit everywhere with exposed skin and over his ass a few times. Virgil held position and kept his cries in his chest. From afar, he should look like the perfect sub. Nobody should hear the noises or see any shaking. He kept his instinctual reactions to the pain at a minimum.

“Position 3, slave,” Zillah called. Virgil released the lower bar and turned to the back of the stage to reach up to a higher one. This one showed off his shoulders to the crowd, but at least he didn’t have to even see them out of the corner of his eyes anymore. “Count, Slave,” Zi ordered with another whip crack.

“One,” Virgil called as clearly as possible as the first hit came down. He had to keep his voice even for this. This was a nightmare. Virgil kept shouting out the hits. His body shuddered from the pain when the lashes came down this time, but if he could keep his voice even then he shouldn’t be in trouble. “Ten,” Virgil called the last hit with a little crack in his voice, but over the music, it should be barely noticeable.

“Position Zero,” Zillah ordered. Oh god, no. Zillah wants him to face the crowd for this part. There’s no way he doesn’t. He couldn’t just drop to the floor where he was. He only hesitated for a second as his shoulders shifted back in before kneeling on the center of the stage with his knees spread and his hands on his knees with his head down to the floor. Virgil swallowed. He saw them while he turned around. He saw them all. There were so many people watching. He could feel the line on his body of every place the whip slashed over him. He could feel their eyes on him. Virgil swallowed painfully, choking on his pain and fear. He hated this.

The whip’s lashes started again. They curled around his shoulders and decimated his upper back. He couldn’t take the pain anymore and he couldn’t breathe deep enough in the corset to even try. Virgil just tried to force slipping off faster. He’d rather be broken than have to deal with any of this anymore. He relished the possibility and felt the pain. Each lash pushed him closer to the edge of the cliff his overwhelmed and pained consciousness was headed off of. A lash along his neck just above the collar pushed him over. He wanted to scream, but that feeling was gone along with him. Virgil sat stiffly and continued to take the abuse with no reactions now. It’s what Zi wanted, maybe. It didn’t matter anymore.

“Position 5,” Virgil rose to his feet and turned around, holding his arms out to his sides with the palms up at a 45-degree angle. Zi whipped at them and he kept his arms locked in position even as the whip cracks tried to force them in and broke the skin on his palm. Eventually, it stopped hitting him, and the whip cracked in the air next to his ears. “Turn and take a bow, pet,” Zillah ordered loudly.

“Thank you, master,” Virgil said blankly and turned to face the crowd again, bowing deeply. Zillah took his leash and lead him off the stage. Virgil held his hands behind him and followed obediently, watching the floor. They stopped at a group of people a few feet away from the stage.

“Kneel,” Zillah ordered, and Virgil dropped to his knees and stared blankly down. “Yes, he’s come very far. I’ve trained almost all disobedience out of him. He’s very pliable and complacent now. Don’t bother talking to him, he can only hear me. He’s still coming back,” Zillah laughed. Coming back? Where was he? He was with Zi. That’s all that mattered. “Yes, I would love a drink. It’s very hard work using a whip. Pet, up,” Zillah ordered and Virgil stood again. “Go stand next to the stage. I’m getting a drink at the bar. No eye contact or talking to anyone,” Zillah said. Virgil felt his leash drop, and he walked back over to the stairs near the stage. Virgil blinked slowly a few times and stood with his back to the wall, watching the people around him move. A few people walked up, but after a few moments left again. This happened a few times. Two sets of shoes stayed longer than the others but left like all the rest. That was fine. He stood obediently staring at the floor for a while.

The sound of the club’s music slowly started to come back to him when it finally registered with him that Zi wasn’t with him anymore. Virgil looked around the room trying to find him but didn’t see Zi. He started to feel again and the pain returned with prickles and tingles on his skin. Virgil held himself and closed his eyes. Where was Zi? Why was he here without Zi? Virgil watching his leash loosely dangle beneath him. The noises that were returning were all odd and fuzzy.

“Hello? Are you all right?” A smooth voice asked through the fog of noise. Virgil didn’t respond. He couldn’t talk to people. The guy with the shiny black shoes should know what. Virgil was only halfway present. Only just enough to know something was wrong since Zi wasn’t here. The shiny black shoes left. And Virgil waited. He couldn’t move. He must have been ordered. He wasn’t sure. He wanted to sit down so badly. Where was Zi? He wanted to go lie down with him more than anything. He just wanted to hear he did a good job. He wanted to be with Zi.

“Slave,” Zi said, and Virgil’s eyes shot up to him right away just to confirm. Zi was back. Maybe things would be okay. Virgil glanced down right away after the fast glance. “Virgil, you can talk to this dom and no one else. He wants to know more about the scene. He’s agreed to not touch you and will make sure no one else will either. I’m going back to the bar to talk to my friends. You will obey him if he asks you to move, but you will not obey him if he asks you to touch him or anyone else or if he asks you to leave the club,” Zi ordered firmly.

“Yes, master,” Virgil said despondently and watched Zillah go, desperately wanting Zi to come back and hold Virgil and tell him he did well. Virgil held himself tighter and sighed.

“I got you your master’s permission. Tell me you’re all right,” The man in the shiny black shoes said again. Virgil slowly looked at him. He was in a put-together black pinstriped suit. It wasn’t abnormal for doms to dress up, but it made Virgil feel weird for some reason he couldn’t place. Not that he could think straight enough to even figure out.

“I’m all right,” Virgil repeated back to him, sounding just as hollow and far away as he felt.

“Are you repeating me or actually all right?” The man asked, sounding distressed.

“Repeating, sir,” Virgil said blankly.

“Tell me how you are feeling, then,” He asked as softly as was possible against the music.

“Empty,” Virgil sighed and looked longingly over to Zi who he could just barely make out near the bar. He wanted to be next to Zi. Zi was laughing. That meant he was happy. Zi being happy is safe. Virgil didn’t feel safe here.

“Do you need any aftercare?” The man asked, looking at Virgil carefully.

“Aftercare is for greedy pets,” Virgil parroted what Zi said to him.

“Shit,” he hissed. “No, that’s not true. Follow me,” The man started moving toward the door nearby.

“I-” Virgil started and backed into the wall. “Master,” He said, looking desperately towards Zi.

“He said it was okay. There’s a room in the back for aftercare after the scenes. He said it was okay to take you there if you panic,” The man tried to explain, but Virgil shook his head and backed into the wall.

“Master,” He choked out, still shaking his head.

“He won’t punish you. I got permission. We’re just going to a quiet room, okay?” Virgil nodded and slowly stepped away from the wall. It was getting louder by the minute and if he had permission, he’d rather not be here anymore. He followed the man back through the doors and came in through and into a small room with dim lights and a very fluffy looking couch. “Sit down,” He said and Virgil complied nervously. He didn’t want to be here without Zi. Leaving Zi in public was bad. The man laid a soft blanket loosely on his lap and looked closely at Virgil’s back and arms. He sighed and poured Virgil a glass of cold water and pushed it into his hands.

“Some of these are bleeding. Hold on, let me go get permission to give you first aid. I might have to get him boozed up. Wait a few minutes. You’re safe in here,” The man said and left the room quickly. Virgil sighed and sat quietly. He was losing track of where he was again. He could see the fluffy blanket in his lap and he started to feel it with one hand. It made his stomach turn a little as panic built in the back of his head.

“All right, I convinced him,” The man said when he came back into the room an indeterminate amount of time later. “He doesn’t want to get blood on his car seats,” He hissed. “There’s something wrong with the scene if those idiots at the bar can idolize something like him,” He mumbled and pulled out a big box of bandages and ointments from a shelf near the couch. “Did you not drink the water?”

“No, sir,” Virgil said, looking at the cup in his hands.

“Drink it, it will help you feel better,” Virgil didn’t move. Could he move? The man slid his finger under the cup and lead it to Virgil’s lips. Virgil drank after spilling some on himself and he finished the whole glass. The man took the cup and put it on a table near the couch. “I will have to disinfect these. I’m sorry, it will sting,” He said and kneeled with one leg on the couch, facing Virgil. He snapped on a pair of black nitrile gloves from the box and put some peroxide on some sterile gauze. Virgil flinched back as soon as he got close.

“You can’t touch me!” Virgil cried. “No!” Virgil gripped the blanket in his lap and balled up into it.

“He won’t punish you for me cleaning your wounds. It’s all he will know if you don’t tell him. There’s no camera feed in here and we’re alone,” He tried to reassure Virgil, but Virgil just sobbed into the blanket incoherently talking about master not liking it. He didn’t even follow what came out of his own mouth. He didn’t want to get punished.

The man sighed. “I hope some part of you can register that I give you orders like this in protest. I’m not leaving you with untreated wounds. Pet, sit still. You can cry, but you aren’t to move,” He ordered firmly. Virgil kept holding on to the blanket and crying into it. Slowly he felt an awful boiling sensation in his lashes, but he couldn’t break a direct order and shove the man away. He was too close. He felt the heat from the man radiating from him and it almost burned as much as the broken skin. “Tell me how you’re feeling,” He said. Virgil shook his head and held tighter. The man sighed deeply again. “Pet, I order you to tell me how you’re feeling,” He sounded pained as he said it.

“Like I fucked up,” Virgil choked out. “I will get punished again, and I did so bad he won’t even look at me and he said I’ve been good lately and I don’t know why we had to do this but I know I made a mess of things and ruined everything like I always do!” Virgil sobbed into the blankets. The pain was hurting a little worse now, but it was still blessedly distant from where ever his brain was.

“I’m moving to your arms. You didn’t mess up,” The man informed him, and he felt the cuts on his upper arm sting.

“I did! He hates me! He hates me so much! I ruined everything! I did a bad job!” Virgil choked out and cried harder.

“You were much more impressive than he was on the stage. Any Dom can learn to crack a whip, but you followed orders perfectly. You did an outstanding job.” He sounded reassuring, but Virgil just couldn’t believe him.

“I’m nothing compared to him,” Virgil muttered through his tight throat.

“I think you’re objectively better than him in every way. Give me your hand, pet,” He ordered and Virgil let go on the side he was on. “Shit, this one in your palm is deep. Do you still not feel these?” He asked, sounding confused.

“Not really,” Virgil said morosely and rubbed his face into the blanket.

“Do you know where we are?” He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Away from my master,” Virgil said, looking nervously to the door again.

“No, I mean the physical location,” He asked and motioned with his hands to the floor.

“Away from my master,” Virgil repeated.

“What’s your name?” He asked, sounding frustrated. Virgil paused, feeling confused.

“Pet?” Virgil replied, not positive what he was looking for.

“What’s your full name?” He asked again, a little more firmly.

“Virgil Desmond Sinclair,” Virgil responded automatically.

“How old are you?”

“22,” Virgil replied weakly.

“What’s your favourite color?” He asked, humming in dissatisfaction while he kept wiping cuts clean and bandaging them. Virgil struggled to remember.

“Purple, I think,” He offered, unsure.

“What’s your favourite song?” He asked, putting Virgil’s arm back on the blanket. Virgil held it again while he fought through the fog in his head to try and answer.

“Imaginary by Evanescence,” Virgil finally supplied.

“Other arm,” He said and Virgil let go of the blanket on his other side. “Can you sing a few lines from it?” He asked. Virgil tried to recall the lyrics or the tune, but it wouldn’t come to him.

“No,” Virgil said dourly. “Sorry, sir,”

“It’s okay. I’m just trying to help you. No one should ever leave their sub alone after a scene like that. It should be criminal. I’m not surprised in the least you don’t know where you are and think he hates you. Does he often leave you alone during sub drop?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil shook his head.

“You don’t know because you can’t remember or because you’re unsure?” The guy asked for clarification.

“Unsure, I guess. Maybe I also can’t remember. Sorry, sir,” Virgil spoke into the blanket.

“Do you know if he leaves you alone instead of being taken care of when you disassociate?” He asked, sounding increasingly concerned.

“What?” Virgil asked blankly, not understanding.

“Feeling numb? Can’t process the pain anymore?” He offered.

“He calls that ‘breaking his toys’,” Virgil said. “I don’t remember much of it,” The man growled.

“You wouldn’t. Are you saying he ‘breaks his toys’ often?” The man sounded angry.

“Probably,” Virgil felt his arm drop. The fancy dom made a very frustrated noise. “I’m sorry, sir,” Virgil said despondently.

“This isn’t your fault, Virgil,” The man said, moving Virgil around gently, maybe checking for other marks.

“Virgil?” Virgil repeated in confusion.

“You,” He groaned. “Lay face down on the couch,”

“Please don’t touch me,” Virgil shuddered again.

“No, Virgil, for the first aid that I have permission to do, remember?”

“Oh,” Virgil said complacently and let go of the blankets to lie down on the couch.

“I hope you like holes in your fishnets,” He sighed. “The whip broke them in parts,”

“Fishnets are supposed to be full of holes,” Virgil said, not following.

“Good job, pet,” He said, but he groaned while he said it. Virgil felt the couch shift, and he started treating cuts on the back of his legs. “Do you know where we are, yet?”

“Away from my master,” Virgil replied.

“Do you think you could narrow it down?” The man asked patiently.

“Master’s not here,” Virgil said, and the man sighed again.

“Do you have any friends other than your master? I’m worried if he sees you with my number he’ll have a conniption and I’d like to help you,” He sounded very kind when he asked. It was nice. He liked the kind voice. It was so smooth and even timbered.

“Remus,” Virgil supplied.

“Remus Daith?” The man asked.

“Yes, sir,” Virgil nodded into the couch.

“He’s my friend. Is it okay with you if I ask him about you?” The man asked, though Virgil didn’t know why he’d need permission.

“I’m supposed to follow your orders,” Virgil provided, not following. The man paused for a moment, not treating or bandaging anything on Virgil’s legs for a moment.

“Pet, I need you to tell me something, and it’s very important you be honest,” He said seriously.

“Yes, sir,” Virgil responded automatically.

“Do you have any soft or hard limits with your master at all?” The man asked.

“Master decides my limits because I don’t know any better,” Virgil supplied. The man groaned.

“No, pet, you know your limits and he doesn’t know any better,” He said firmly.

“Master takes care of me,” Virgil replied, sounding empty.

“Good god, Virgil, how long have you been with him?” He asked, sounding upset again.

“Over 2 years,” Virgil responded. He blinked in confusion. Where was he again?

“When is the last time you actually verbally consented to something he did to you?” He asked, the upset tone morphing into sadness.

“I don’t remember,” Virgil said blankly.

“Consent is important. Did you even want to be here tonight?” He asked. Virgil couldn’t figure out where here was. “At The Stockade. Doing a floor show,” He clarified after a moment.

“No,” Virgil said. He didn’t like places that weren’t home.

“Do you even like pain?” He asked incredulously.

“I think so, I don’t know,” Virgil replied. He didn’t really know anymore.

“Did you like what happened tonight, though?” He asked compassionately.

“No,” Virgil sniffled again. “No. I’m sorry, sir,” Virgil croaked.

“Virgil, sit up please,” He asked kindly. Virgil complied and leaned forward on the couch. “I’m going to touch you now, okay?”

“No touching!” Virgil shouted, and tears welled back up into his eyes.

“It’s for first aid,” He reminded Virgil. “Master said it was okay, right?”

“Right,” Virgil choked on a sob again.

“I am going to touch your head,” He said and his hand slid to the back of Virgil’s hair. “You did an outstanding job. You will be okay,” He said as he very gently and lightly scratched the back of Virgil’s head.

“Okay,” Virgil muttered, feeling a little better, though the contact tingled a little uncomfortably. Virgil pressed into the hand. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want it to ever leave.

“It’s important that someone do this for you. It’s part of care. Can you handle a hug?” He asked, looking sad.

“No, sir,” Virgil shook his head.

“Why don’t you lie back down on your front. I’ll let Zillah know his car seats won’t get bloody now. Like that’s the important thing. I don’t want him to get suspicious of us being alone,” He said. Virgil nodded slowly and laid down. He didn’t want the hand to leave, but he was the dom here and called the shots. The man draped the blanket over the back of the couch to tent over Virgil’s back, and Virgil watched him leave the room, feeling a strange aching he couldn’t understand where his hand was.


	10. In Another Time

“That… that was-,” Logan muttered as he walked into his apartment and dropped his keys. Logan rubbed his face despondently and stared at his own face in the mirror above the small table near the entrance. He looked tired and disturbed.

“I _know_!” Remus shot angrily, coming in behind Logan and slamming the apartment door.

“Has he ever-” Logan started trying to process this.

“Of course he hasn’t!” Remus shot again, clearly unable to control himself. “Do you think he _likes_ that?” He asked much more meekly.

“I don’t know if it’s _physically possible_ to like that!” Logan responded sourly. “He looked _dead_ inside!”

“Maybe that’s just how he looks when he’s in subspace?” Remus said, not really sounding like he believed himself.

“He looks like he was barely present after the first half Remus, and I don’t mean subspace. That wasn’t a dazed endorphin high, that was a _broken man_!” Logan motioned back towards the door.

“Listen, augh!” Remus groaned. “We don’t know if that’s his thing or not, you can’t keep jumping to conclusions like this! You’re always going on about evidence,” Remus pleaded and pulled at his hair.

“I’m happy to review! He’d been locked in a small cage and restrained in ways he isn’t comfortable with despite his claustrophobia. He admitted to being a part of dangerous suspension play, and he basically admitted Zillah uses those knives on him! Plus, we watched him get whipped on stage till he bled! And he’s more bruise and cuts than skin!”

“I know!” Remus said angrily. “I _know_ all that, _okay_? But maybe he likes to walk the edge! Not everyone plays as safely as you!” Remus drew a line in the air and walked it with his fingers.

“Remus, Zillah left him alone after that scene. Completely alone. No aftercare. With open cuts. He didn’t even acknowledge us when we came up to him. I don’t think he even knew where he was or heard us trying to get his attention. Even if he was okay with any of that, I don’t think any of that was okay!” Logan started with a flat tone that progressively got more bitter and desperate.

“God,” Remus choked. “I’m the _worst_ fucking friend on the planet!” Remus sobbed and rubbed his face in his hands.

“Re, no, he’s been _hiding_ things. You didn’t have a way of knowing. You said it yourself on the way home, you’ve never seen him even in short sleeves before. Zillah must have convinced him this was all acceptable and normal,” Logan said placatingly.

“But I never noticed! I never _saw_!” Remus shouted angrily, waving his arms in frustration.

“You said he was _nice_ and considerate when they first started seeing each other, you had no way of knowing he was a predator,” Logan reached out and held Remus’s shoulder. “You met Virgil at his first play party, right?”

“Right,” Remus sniffled and held himself.

“So he was young. And he met Zillah at his second or third. And they started dating quickly, right?” Logan asked for confirmation again.

“Yeah?” Remus swallowed heavily.

“So, Zillah knew what he was doing. He picked someone young who wouldn’t know any better and has been training and grooming Virgil to not know what’s happening is wrong. And he’s been isolating him, too. Virgil is at home all the time now. It’s been harder and harder to get Virgil to go out with you, correct?” Logan continued to lead Remus down the line of logic.

“Yeah,” Remus choked, starting to cry.

“Zillah has been tricking Virgil and us. I guarantee you he was the one that convinced Virgil to quit his job. I guarantee you that he keeps Virgil at a distance and punishing him harshly so that when things are normal, they seem like an idyllic dream. And I can guarantee you he’s been training Virgil to be dependent on him. You’ve heard how Virgil talks about himself. ‘I’m dumb’ occurs close to once a conversation. I do not need further evidence. I am not the courts. We need a plan to get Virgil out of there and we need one soon before there’s no way for us to get in anymore. The next step is cutting us off from him and it will be all the harder to help him. Virgil has already been responding to texts less. With any luck, it was stress about the event this weekend and not intervention from Zillah,” Logan explained quickly and intensely.

“Virgil _loves_ him, nimrod! He’s not going to go with us willingly! We can’t _kidnap_ the dude! He respects us, but he’s not going to be agreeable about it if we tell him he’s in danger and he needs to run! He adores Zillah! He calls Zillah ‘ _his everything_ ’! He’s 100% convinced that Zillah is safe. He says it all the time, and who would let anybody do that awful scene to them without implicit trust?” Remus objected fiercely with red-rimmed eyes, gripping his fists closed tight.

“I understand that. We will have to be more insistent when he calls to talk to us. We will have to show him that what is happening is wrong without scaring him off. He’s willing to listen if we can avoid making him defensive,” Logan said resolutely, nodding.

“And Logi, I know he needs to get out of there, I do, but we can’t support Virgil. How the _hell_ are we going to do this?” Remus asked desperately.

“He has a brother, correct? Maybe his brother would help us,” Logan rubbed his chin considerably.

“Oh, he stalked my social, I recognized him from a photo Virgil showed me. We can contact him there,” Remus said, pulling out his phone. “Wait. Virgil would fucking _kill me_ if we told his brother,” Remus hissed. “He wouldn’t trust us at all. He said himself that his brother is a _massive_ drama queen. There’s probably no way he wouldn’t call Virgil to talk or something,” Remus started trying to parse this out, still sounding kind of choked up. Remus’s phone started ringing in his hands.

“… Janus?” Remus looked at his phone in confusion.

“Who’s Janus?” Logan asked, also looking thrown off.

“He’s a friend in the scene. Switch, but looks like a Dom. Nice guy, even though you wouldn’t expect it looking at him,” Remus replied, not really sure what to do.

“Why is he calling?” Logan asked.

“Um, I don’t know?” Remus shrugged, staring at his phone as if it would bite him.

“Answer it, I suppose,” Logan mumbled, curling his hand to his chin and looking like he was thinking intensely. Remus pushed the answer button.

“ _Great job_ keeping me waiting, Remus,” Janus said sarcastically.

“I’m kind of _busy_ , snake boy, what’s so important?” Remus said shortly.

“Listen, I just got back from The Stockade,” Janus said, sounding intense.

“Oh, shit, so did _we_ ,” Remus mumbled.

“What? And there was a sub there who said he was your friend,” Janus continued.

“He talked to you? We couldn’t get him to speak with us. We thought he had orders or something to not talk. Or that he couldn’t hear us,” Remus asked desperately.

“You were there? I must have missed you. He did have orders. But maybe he also couldn’t hear you. I went to go get permission from that piece of shit. He didn’t act like he knew I was there until Zillah ordered him to listen to me. He has absolutely no idea and I think that’s a regular fucking Saturday for him. He doesn’t have any hard limits. I don’t think he even has a safe word. I think it’s that fucker’s hobby to hurt Virgil until he can’t feel anymore. Probably so he can do even sicker things to him. I don’t know Zillah’s full name but there were three letters carved into his shoulder starting with Z and it paints a pretty clear picture,” Janus explained crossly.

“ _What_!?” Remus screamed and nearly threw his phone, but Logan caught his arm and took his phone. He held Remus under his arm who was now wracking with sobs into his button-down top.

“You have to help me get him out of there,” Janus requested desperately.

“Remus and I were just discussing that very thing,” Logan said.

“Who are you?” Janus asked incredulously.

“I’m Remus’s partner, Logan. I apologize. Remus really cares for Virgil and he’s not handling the news very well, so I took his phone before he broke it. He’s crying and I will catch him up. Do you have any ideas?” Logan asked with a hard to read tone.

“I don’t know him that well, I just know that nobody deserves that kind of treatment,” Janus insisted. “The situation seems too tricky for my usual tactics,”

“Would you be willing to take him in or help us support him?” Logan asked.

“What?” Janus asked, taken aback.

“Remus and I don’t have the income to support Virgil. Zillah has recently convinced Virgil to quit his day job and his artwork doesn’t make enough money for the financial shortfall we would have,” Logan explained, sounding annoyed with himself.

“He’s an artist?” Janus sounded interested.

“Yes, he’s very skilled in my opinion. We will help with what we can, but we simply can’t support Virgil on our own. We’ve recently gotten him to consider that Zillah isn’t good for him after we discovered that Zillah had been abusing him by locking him in a small cage. Virgil loves Zillah, and he made us promise to keep this discussion between ourselves. Virgil is a very private person, and we thought it would be best if we eased him into it. I also believe he’s already been trained to completely depend on Zillah,” Logan said firmly.

“He is. It was very easy to get Zillah to brag about it. It also seems like Virgil can also barely stand being in another room than him. I’ve gotten Zillah’s number, and I will try to befriend him to see what I can do. I’m willing to help support Virgil. I didn’t want to give my number to Virgil and get him punished, will you please keep me in the loop about him?” Janus said, sounding desperate.

“Yes, of course. I will text you my number from Remus’s phone. I would like to bounce ideas off of you to help us ease Virgil into running away,” Logan said.

“That’s fine,” Janus said shortly.

“Give me the phone, Logi,” Remus sniffled. “Janus?”

“Yes?”

“You’re probably one of the nicest guys I know. Will you please help us after we get him out, too? I think basically his whole relationship is a scene, and he’s going to need some serious aftercare for a while even after we get him out… Like… _taking shifts_ even. He used to struggle with self-harm and stuff in college. He admitted once that he got into the scene because he was trying to find a healthy outlet for those urges. And there’s no way he won’t be deeply depressed when he finds out Zillah doesn’t _actually_ love him,” Remus asked desperately.

“He has to be the _unluckiest_ sub on the planet,” Janus mumbled.

“Maybe,” Remus grumbled. “Listen, you talked to him, right? Is there anything we should avoid?”

“I think he’d panic and lash out if you tried to force him away from Zillah. He was seconds from a panic attack in the aftercare room at The Stockade, and that was while he was disassociating so much he forgot his name. He kept muttering about needing him while he cried and staring at the door. It would be a terrible idea to force them apart,” Janus explained.

“Okay… You’ll help, though, right?” Remus asked.

“Yes, I’ll help where I can. If it helps you feel any better, I cleaned and bandaged his wounds for him, so he’s taken care of for tonight,” Janus said consolingly. 

“Thanks,” Remus sniffled. “If I ever see Zillah I’m slitting his fucking throat,”

“I think it might be beneficial to see Zillah, actually. He’s never been questioned in front of Virgil, before. It could be good to show Virgil that Zillah isn’t infallible. I will see what I can do. Zillah’s surprisingly easy to flatter,” Janus said connivingly.

“Can I keep the throat-slitting thing on the table?” Remus whined.

“I think it would be _offensive_ to take it off the table. I’ll talk to you soon,” Janus said bitterly.

“Bye,” Remus exhaled despondently.

“I think we need some cocoa, love. Why don’t you load up something light-hearted to watch? We can’t be too emotional when we talk to Virgil again or he’ll get defensive. You know he’s skittish. Let’s take care of ourselves tonight,” Logan rubbed Remus’s back lightly. “I think if I don’t get into a better headspace I might just take a baseball bat to his window tonight. And maybe his skull,” Logan said sourly. Remus laughed darkly.

“I… can we talk about it a bit more? I just… he’s okay, right? Nobody else there seemed to think it was that weird? Are we over-reacting?” Remus asked weakly.

“If Janus didn’t think he was okay, he would not have reassured you that Virgil was properly bandaged. People there were surprised at the brutality, Remus. They should have warned that the whip demonstration would be so… _graphic_. I certainly heard a group of subs talking about how they felt bad for him while you were pounding back whiskey,” Logan said, sounding a little shaken.

“I was _shaken_ , and you agreed to be the designated driver!” Remus shot defensively, wringing his hands.

“I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying people agreed that it was gratuitously violent, but I do also think the reaction was surprisingly tame for the content. I think we were more affected as people who knew them personally and knew that Virgil’s tastes skew towards softer than harder. I assume Janus was very close to the stage or perhaps was very close to the situation,”

“He’d mentioned when he first got into the scene he was abused. He made it out okay, though,” Remus said, running his hand through his hair.

“Abusers do sometimes prey on the scene since it’s an outlet for their aggression. If they had bothered to do any research whatsoever they would _know_ those behaviors aren’t acceptable, though,” Logan said bitterly.

“It’s not _Virgil’s_ fault for not researching more,” Remus said angrily, glaring at Logan.

“I didn’t say that. I think if anything, Zillah convinced him it didn’t apply to their relationship. It’s a common abuse tactic. He seems to be a very tricky and practiced abuser and it isn’t Virgil’s fault for falling prey or your fault for not noticing sooner. The odds are that it happened so gradually even Virgil didn’t notice,” Logan said reassuringly.

“But… People seemed to be cheering Zillah on at the bar. That’s the uncomfortable part. I mean it’s objectively awful that Virgil was left alone after that scene, even if he was okay with it,” Remus sniffled and rubbed his eyes again.

“You’ve mentioned before that Zillah is charismatic, and I think he knew those people at the bar. They were likely his compatriots. I will email The Stockade complaining about the graphic nature of that scene it hosted and I suspect I won’t be the only one,” Logan said firmly.

“I’ll e-mail them too. And ask Janus to e-mail them. If they have any sense, they’ll never let him back in at all,” Remus grumbled darkly.

“Just like in any group, the toxic people are a loud minority. We know what we are doing is safe, sane, and consensual. And we will get Virgil out of that situation, I promise. Zillah’s friends likely stoked his ego, which would put him in a pleasant mood. Virgil said Zillah is more considerate when he is happy. Also, if Zillah pushed Virgil too hard Virgil would realize faster about his tricks, so it would be a poor decision on Zillah’s part that he hasn’t seemed to take so far,”

“Or Virgil’s private nature had protected Zillah unintentionally,” Remus spat sourly, cinching his face in disdain.

“While that contributed, I doubt that’s the case. We can’t do anything tonight. Virgil’s not even aware of where he is or what’s happening. He is probably already asleep. Nobody’s body can put up with that kind of treatment and stay awake or long. His body will want to shut down and recover,” Logan said and stroked Logan’s back.

“Okay. Okay. Um, The Matrix, then?” Remus suggested, still shaken but making an honest attempt.

“Is that a light-hearted film?” Logan raised an eyebrow.

“It’s good enough,” Remus shrugged. “I need, like, so many marshmallows in that cocoa,” Remus sighed and glanced out the window. It looked like a thunderstorm might roll in.

“I will bring the whole bag. I also require a copious amount of marshed mallow,” Logan joked, referencing one of his favourite TV characters.

“You dork,” Remus huffed and patted Logan on the arm. He turned around to head to the couch and Logan headed into the kitchen.

—

Virgil wasn’t sure how long he’d been hanging here or how many times Zi had used him at this point. He’d been fading in and out of consciousness. His body was used and exhausted and his mind was so far gone he didn’t register what he saw when he did open his eyes. Zi was probably having fun. He didn’t know. He didn’t feel anything, but sometimes he saw Zi slamming into him or sliding a knife somewhere. He watched Zi draw an x with his knife over Virgil’s heart and things went black again. The next time he opened his eyes he was dangling from his arms and along in the bedroom. There was a trail of blood down his chest. It was kind of pretty. That’s nice. Virgil closed his eyes again. Virgil was in a heap on the floor when he opened them again.

“Pet, just in time to relocate your arms,” Zi laughed darkly, pressing Virgil down into the carpet with his foot. Virgil’s face was buried in the carpet fibers. If anything else was happening Virgil wasn’t privy to it. Zi pulled his head off the carpet by his hair. “Can you move at all, pet?” Who was pet? He was pet, right? Pet wasn’t here. Zi pulled Virgil off the floor with a dark laugh and carried him into the bathroom. He dropped Virgil in the bathtub and a weird metal noise rang out when he landed. Zi left the bathroom and came back with a key and unhooked Virgil from the cuffs and collars and took them all off. His legs were in the tattered remains of his fishnets, but otherwise, he was naked. He didn’t remember that happening.

“I’m glad I didn’t let you eat today. There might have been a mess that you can’t clean up. Have a nice sleep in the tub, pet. You can sleep in for being a good boy. My friends were very impressed with how well you’ve been trained. Here’s your blanket,” Zi draped a towel over him in the tub haphazardly. “You’re too disgusting for anything else. I order you to sleep, pet,” Zi slapped Virgil across the face and it hit the tub with a dull thud and he closed his eyes again.

—

“Logi, I’m worried. It’s been hours since I texted him, shouldn’t he have texted back by now?” Remus said, holding his phone to his chest desperately.

“Perhaps he’s been asleep. I don’t know for sure,” Logan shrugged but spoke placatingly. “You should eat dinner, Remus, starving yourself won’t make him respond,” Logan motioned to Remus’s untouched plate.

“I’m just sick to my stomach. Should we tell him we saw, and that’s why I need a response to know if he’s okay?” Remus asked meekly, playing with his fork absentmindedly.

“I don’t think he’d react well to that. In fact, you’re very aware he would abhor that,” Logan reiterated firmly.

“Well, what if he saw us and he’s not responding because he’s mortified?” Remus asked weakly. “I feel like a piece of shit, okay? I can’t function until I know he’s okay,”

“Virgil said yourself to assume he’s fine until further notice last Wednesday. I simply do not think it is a good idea to tell him. If he didn’t see us, and he probably didn’t with his fear of crowds and disassociation, I don’t want him to isolate himself from us because he’s ashamed,” Logan said consolingly. Remus put his phone on the table and held his face in his hands. Logan sighed and pulled Remus’s plate over to him and started cutting up the food on it. He pushed the plate back over and sat next to Remus, wrapping one arm around his shoulder and holding up a bite of food.

“Just a bit, darling, to keep your strength up. You have work in the morning,” Remus nodded and opened his mouth and let Logan feed him.


	11. What Could Have Been

“Zi, why?” Virgil screeched and gripped the bars in his cage, pressed tightly against himself confined in the small space. “Please!” He cried out desperately.

“Pet, I _told_ you, you missed feeding me three meals. I would have let breakfast slide, but lunch and dinner? You have to be punished for such flagrant disregard for my needs,” Zi explained coolly while Virgil whimpered and tried to pull apart the cage. “And where are your _manners_? You’re getting another hour added,” Zi spat with disdain.

“No! _No_! Master, _please_! No! I don’t know why my phone didn’t go off! _Please_! I’ll make it up to you! _Anything_ , please!” Virgil cried. “ _Please let me out!_ ” He screamed.

“Pet, if you don’t stop _shrieking_ I’ll make it longer,” Zi said angrily, tapping his fingers on his legs as he loomed over the small cage Virgil was locked in.

“No! _Please_!” Virgil screamed again. “Please! Let me out! _Master_!” He sobbed loudly. “I can’t breathe! _I can’t breathe_!”

“You can breathe just fine based on all the awful screeching noises,” Zi kicked Virgil’s cage and he cried out again. “You’re giving me a headache,” Zi rubbed his head and left the room.

“ _No_! Don’t leave! _Let me out_! Master! Zi! _Anything_! Please! _Oh god, please_!” Virgil cried out, desperately shaking the cage walls. Virgil curled in on himself and sobbed despairingly, naked and filthy and freezing cold. “ _Please_ ,” He muttered into himself, perfectly aware Zi wasn’t listening. This was wrong. Everything about this was wrong. Everything about his life was wrong. Maybe Virgil was wrong, too, but he couldn’t take being in here to think straight enough to consider it. Virgil panicked and gasped for air while he clawed as himself in desperation, trying hard to push the cage to its limits and break free. It didn’t budge but Virgil couldn’t stop trying to attack it, he was compelled like he was possessed to thrash against his confinement. His body wouldn’t listen to him as he struggled fruitlessly against the bars, even though he fought to quiet down to reduce his punishment.

He went back to attacking himself after a while, yanking at his hair and clawing at anything in reach, unable to stop himself from lashing out in fear. Pained screams broke loose sometimes but he had long since stopped calling out for Zi. Instead, he babbled to himself and counted out of order and even started hallucinating because there were flashing colors and it somehow smelled like pancakes. Virgil wanted pancakes so bad. He was starving. But every time his mind wandered or he started to drift he always realized he was caged tight again and panicked all over again.

Hot blood ran down from the ‘x’ on his heart when he reopened the wound while thrashing, and it splattered on the tile floor beneath him and made him slip around. His nails bled from desperately trying to pry at the door hinge to break it open. He screamed in frustration when another attempt failed, and he went back to flailing violently in the cage.

“ _Slave_ ,” Zi hissed, walking back up to the cage holding a giant gag ball in tightly clenched fists. “I _tried_ to give you a chance to quiet down on your own and accept your punishment, but you’re staying in here gagged _all night_ now. We have to start obedience training all over, it seems,” Zi said evilly, and it felt like white-hot electricity fired through Virgil as something deep and dark in him snapped. Virgil could hear it break stridently in his head, like it was the only thing in the world. He trained his eyes on Zillah and waited.

He froze and stared unblinkingly while Zillah pulled out the key to open the door and squatted down to open it. It felt like time was going slow as he waited for the industrial padlock to be shifted off and he crashed through the door and pounced into Zillah; the cage ramming with a loud crash in the wall while Virgil started wailing on Zillah’s face, screaming the entire way through. Virgil didn’t know what was his blood or Zillah’s anymore as he leaked blood on to Zillah while he pounded his face into a bloody pulp. Zillah tried to grab him back a few times, but slipping on the blood gave him a few false starts. Virgil used his knees to pin down Zillah’s elbows and leaned back, slipping the knife out of the front pocket. Zillah’s legs trashed, and he tried to throw Virgil off while Virgil licked the blade and smiled maliciously down at Zillah.

“You better _stop fighting_ , bitch, or this is about to get _really fuckin’ ugly_ for you,” Virgil hissed.

“Slave, get the fuck off of me!” Zillah shouted back, shooting Virgil the worst death glare he had ever produced. But Virgil wasn’t afraid of Zillah anymore. Virgil was broken and he embraced it.

“No, _no_ , that’s not how this is playing out,” Virgil spun the knife in his hand. He pointed it at himself. “You broke _me_ ,” He slowly pointed the knife’s tip down to Zillah. “I break _you_.”

“Don’t you _fucking dare,_ you piece of shit!” Zillah spat and Virgil gleefully stabbed into Zillah’s shoulder. Zillah screamed out in pain when the knife pierced his skin.

“Lessee, you carved your initials on me here, so I think it’s fair play if _I_ carve something, _too_ ,” Virgil cooed while Zillah screamed out as Virgil slowly twisted the knife. “What do I carve? My initials aren’t _worthy_ of you, _master_ ,” Virgil spat sardonically. “I _never_ fucking was, _righ_ t? No matter how much _I loved you_?” Virgil twisted the knife in a fast jerk, and Zillah screamed out again. “You fucking _ruined me_ you rat bastard _son of a bitch_ , and I still don’t want to hurt you like you fucking hurt me,” Virgil pushed the knife in further and punched Zillah across his face again as he cried out. 

“You took _everything_ from me! My interests! My hobbies! My freedom! My time! My love! My friends! My family! My independence! My fucking job! If they hired me full time like they were talking about, I would have gotten 60K you _rotten son of a bitch_!” Virgil screamed at him and wailed on his face. “But that wasn’t _enough_! You needed my fucking _dignity_ too! You needed to show me off like some fucking trophy to _half the fucking town_! And then!” Virgil cackled maniacally as he pulled the knife down and Zillah shrieked out in pain. ”You used my fucking lifeless body like a _god damn fleshlight_! And I only _know_ because you _left me like this_ for hours! And _then_!” Virgil screamed at him then cackled again and locked eyes with Zillah as he pushed the knife upward, met with another screech. “You _punished me_ for some stupid piece of shit reason like you didn’t want to make your _own fucking food_. What are you, _fucking 12_? You can’t make a _god damn sandwich_?” Virgil berated him and yanked the knife out quickly. He ran it across his tongue and sliced it open, then spit their intermingled blood in his face. “ _You_ made me this way you fucking s _ub-human garbage_! This is _your_ fucking fault! _What do you have to say for yourself_?” Virgil snarled accusingly and looking pointedly into Zillah’s eyes.

“You’re a _fucking psycho_!” Zi screamed back at him and tried to escape once more. But there was no escape for Zillah, just like there was no escape for Virgil.

“Who’s fault is _that_ , _master_?” Virgil smirked and jammed the knife down in the other arm. He screamed out again and kept thrashing his legs, but Virgil continued pressing with all his fury against him. “You break your fucking toys so much they’re _broken permanently_ , and it’s _my fault_?” Virgil screeched. “You don’t even have an _excuse_ for taking our lives away from us! We were _happ_ y! We were _so happy_! _I fucking loved you_! I _still_ do! And you took it all away because you’re a _selfish man-child_ who can’t get over his _own fucking ego_!” Virgil watched the tears run down Zillah’s face with a broken laugh, twisting the knife again. Virgil’s own tears ran against the open x wound over his heart, and the salt stung the wound. Virgil looked down at it and looked to Zillah, a sick smile spreading over his face.

“You _wouldn’t_ ,” Zillah warned.

“Oh, like you know what I _would_ and _wouldn’t_ do! Did you ever _even fucking love me_!? _Ever_? Or was I just a _game_ to you!? A _shiny toy_ to _break_ and throw aside?” Virgil spat the welling blood in his mouth in Zillah's face again. It ran down Zillah’s harsh and beaten face to the floor.

“You were _never_ worth loving,” Zillah hissed through his pain as Virgil dug the knife in deeper.

“Oh, looks like some _little bitch_ is pretty good at taking pain, too! Who could have known you could take it as well as dishing it out? You wanna see how far it is until you _break_ , baby boy?” Virgil smirked and the defiance on Zillah’s face melted into terror.

“No,” Zillah finally creaked after a moment.

“Aw, babe, so cute, your first whimper,” Virgil cooed and pet his face before slapping it hard. “ _Count_ with me, baby, and I’ll give you a _reward_!” Virgil cackled and started carving a ‘w’ into Zillah’s arm. He screamed out again. “Oh, _pet_ , that’s not a _number_ ,” Virgil laughed. “Good thing there was never a reward! Just like our _entire relationship_!” Virgil screamed with laughter. “ _Newsflash_! I didn’t care if you gave me permission to come, I just wanted to be _treated like a human being_!” Virgil snarled as he carved an ‘o’. Zillah sobbed in pain. “Nuh-uh, baby, it’s not aaa, it’s ooo! Next is ‘r’!” Virgil carved the next letter while Zillah cried out.

“ _What the fuck is wrong with you_?” Zillah spat and thrashed under him again. Virgil backhanded him across the face to get him to settle down. 

“Nothing that isn’t wrong with you, _dearest_. I haven’t done a single thing to _you_ that you haven’t done to _me_ ,” Virgil cooed and bent down to give him a bloody kiss. “I can see it in your eyes, baby, you’re _afraid_ of me, but I’m just _emulating_ you! And aren’t you a _good guy_? Worthy of love? Adulated by his peers?” Virgil asked softly and carved a ‘t’.

“I’m calling the cops!” Zillah screamed.

“Oh, _honey_ , if the cops were going to come they would have ages ago. I guess you soundproofed your house too well against my screams,” Virgil purred. “What a _good boy_. I know it’s coming soon. I already see you shutting down. I know it so well. Like the _back of my hand_ ,” Virgil kissed his hand and then backhanded Zillah. “Just _accept it_ , it makes it _easier_. That’s what you’ve always taught me,” Virgil smiled and backhanded Zillah again. “I’m getting woozy from blood loss, too, maybe I should just end it and kill us here on the living room floor,” Virgil said absentmindedly tapping the knife on his lips, lazily letting some blood run out of his mouth. 

“Y-you m-monster,” Zillah stuttered out.

“Aw, a _stutter_? Baby, we’ll have to train that out of you,” Virgil smiled and carved an ‘h’. “It’s for your _own good_ , you see,”

“F-fuck you!” Zillah growled weakly. 

“ _Oop_! Another stutter!” Virgil carved an ‘i’. “I didn’t even have to f _orce_ you to stutter to punish you for it! Aren’t you a good little boy! Remember, don’t come! You’ll get the cage!” Virgil sang and moved on to carve another ‘t’. Zillah stopped fighting under him and Virgil watched his eyes glassed over. “Aw, _babe_. We did it. An _eye_ for an _ey_ e makes the whole world _blind_ , but ain’t it _fun_ getting there?” Virgil slashed his wrist and smiled. “Now every time you look down you can ask yourself if it was _worth it_ , just like my ass is stuck seeing your stupid initials and all your other fun messages. Like ‘slut’ and ‘bitch’ and ‘unlovable’, don’t think I didn’t miss that one just because it was on the back of my leg,” Virgil slid off of Zillah’s elbows and sat back on his chest.

“It’s been real, babe, but I guess I gotta decide if we live or die now,” Virgil mused. “I was never good at decisions. Actually, I was. But I guess you took that away from me, too. You want to decide?” Virgil absentmindedly slashed at his other wrist and spun the knife. Virgil stared into Zillah’s eyes, and they trembled in fear.

“Live,” Zillah said blankly.

“You _got it_ , baby. You can live with _this_. Live with knowing what _you made_. I’m fucking _out_ , though,” Virgil tilted his head. “I mean, I never gave you one of these lovely little x’s over the heart. It’s _so cute_. I think I want us to _share_ one thing. A _memento_ of how you ripped out my heart and trapped it in a cage. Maybe you’ll finally love me when I’m gone,” Virgil smiled and spun the knife and gave him two quick slashes right over the heart. Virgil got up and grabbed Zillah’s phone off the table.

“You were recording my screaming while you trapped me in the cage? _God_ , you’re a sick fuck,” Virgil stopped the recoding and dialed 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?” The responder answered.

“Bad judgment, maybe. I’m at 823 Pecking and there’s blood the fuck _everywhere_. My wallet’s locked away on the table near the door if you need it, but I’m Audi 5000. I hope this _filthy son of a bitch_ rots in prison. Feel free to check the security system and see how much he tortured me,” Virgil said glibly. “Yeah, that’s right, _master_ , I _fucking know_. I’ve seen you fucking _jerking to it_. Password is ‘black widow’ with no spaces,” Virgil’s hearing was fading as the responder rambled something at him he didn’t hear.

“Hey, hey, I don’t know what you’re saying, but chill out. _It’s all good_. I’d like to state for the record that he’s gonna be _fine_ because he’s done much worse to me, but he probably needs some blood and someone to fix his nose. I, on the other hand, am killing myself _because_ of him. You hear that, love? _You win!_ I’m broken _for good!_ ” Virgil let out a broken and sorrowful laugh. “Sorry about that. Have a nice day and sorry about your shitty job and the sheer bad luck of being the one who answered. I can’t hear or see, but I’m sure it’s an incredibly compelling argument. Good luck with the next one,” Virgil shrugged and tossed the phone down on the couch and stabbed himself in the stomach. It barely even hurt. Virgil fell back against Zillah on the floor and let the darkness take him.

— 

“Suction! Suction! He’s choking on blood! Get pressure on that now!” 

—

“What the fuck!”

—

“He’s coding!”

—

“I think he’s finally stable. God, I hate seeing shit like this,”

—

“Get that fucking needle away from him!”

“Sir! Sir! You’re safe! Drop the needle! Please! We’re just trying to help you!”

—

Virgil groaned and slowly opened his eyes sluggishly. Everything felt sluggish. Virgil slowly moved his head and blinked again, looking around. It was too white and blue and blurry to process. Virgil closed his eyes again and felt the fresh oxygen running into him. Virgil opened his eyes again. Fresh oxygen was weird. He tried to look around the room again.

“Oh, Mr. Sinclair. Um, please don’t attack me. You’re safe,” Someone shot up and backed away from the bed. Virgil blinked in confusion and slowly shook his head.

“He’s heavily sedated. He can’t attack you. Looks like I had good timing,” Another blur came into the room, this one black and white. “Do you know where you are, Mr. Sinclair?” It asked. Virgil shook his head slowly again. 

“You’re in recovery in the hospital. The paramedics got there before you died of blood loss. We don’t have all the information, but I think it’s safe to assume you were in a traumatic situation and that’s why you lashed out when you first woke up,” He stated. Virgil just stared at him in confusion, blinking again and getting more of his vision back. “And I understand that’s scary. I’d like to reaffirm that you are safe now and you have no need to attack the staff,” The doctor said smoothly and checked a monitor on him. He adjusted a drip bag near his bed.

“Lived?” Virgil’s voice creaked ask he asked and his throat burned and his tongue felt like it was on fire.

“Yes, you lived,” The doctor nodded.

“No, _him_ ,” Virgil closed his eyes.

“The man brought in at the same time? Yes, he lived, too. He needed a few stitches and had some blood loss, but otherwise was okay,” The doctor clarified.

“Good,” Virgil grunted and sighed. “ _I_ die. _He_ lives,”

“So that _was_ an attempt on your own life? We weren’t sure, but the slashes on the arms looked telling,” The doctor said. 

“No,” Virgil took a deep breath. “ _He_ killed me. Let me _die_ ,” The doctor hummed and went over to the computer station to type.

“Good news, Steven, you’re still on suicide watch,” The doctor said. “He’ll stay sedated, though, don’t worry. Mandatory break-time other than checking his vitals and keeping an eye on him. Mr. Sinclair, you have a folley catheter, so don’t worry about using the restroom other than letting Nurse Johnson here know if you need to defecate,”

“Haven’t eaten,” Virgil sighed. “Two days,” Virgil opened his eyes to look at them again.

“Don’t worry, the bag is full of nutrients and hydration along with your sedative. We’ll get some proper food in you after we’re sure surgery went okay,” The doctor said nicely.

“Want steak,” Virgil grumbled. The doctor laughed.

“Not for a while, Mr. Sinclair. Your stomach is healing. Promise Nurse Johnson you won’t attack him if he comes to get your vitals?” The doctor asked.

“Safe. Sorry. Didn’t know attacked,” Virgil tried to look apologetic, but he was just too tired. “Please don’t restrain. Might attack again,”

“I see. Thank you for the heads up, Mr. Sinclair. Nurse Johnson, please make sure nobody tries to restrain Mr. Sinclair. He warned us nicely,” The doctor smiled. “We want you to feel safe,”

“Your emergency contact was the guy who came in with you, and he’s not allowed near you, so is there a related party you would like contacted?” The nurse asked and stepped over to the computer. The doctor stepped away from the workstation for the Nurse to take it over.

“No. _Die,_ ” Virgil grunted.

“If you die, you won’t get to eat a steak,” The doctor offered.

“Fair,” Virgil closed his eyes again. “Allowed sleep?”

“By all means,” The doctor said lightly and Virgil listened to his shoes click away on the tile.

“Sorry, again,” Virgil frowned. 

“Um,” The nurse stumbled. Virgil flinched. “It’s okay?” He sounded confused, but Virgil was too tired to care.

— 

Virgil stared blankly up at the ceiling, still trying to reconcile with the fact that he survived when another nurse came in. 

“Mr. Sinclair, your brother is demanding to be let in to see you. Are you all right with visitors right now?” She asked. 

“You chill with my brother, Steve?” Virgil asked the nurse in the corner. He smiled and clicked his tongue, shooting a finger gun and flipping another page in his comic book.

“Lucky son of a bitch,” The nurse mumbled.

“Yeah, let him in or he’ll throw such a bitch fit he’ll be in here with me, either way,” Virgil chuckled weakly.

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” The nurse said through her teeth and disappeared from the doorway. Roman came bursting through a few moments later with his arms in the air. 

“Virgil! What the fuck!” Roman shot.

“Other Mr. Sinclair, this is a hospital. No yelling. Quiet voices,” Steven chided Roman.

“ _Other_ Mr. Sinclair?” Roman huffed and came up to the bed. “They wouldn’t let me in yesterday! It was awful I had no idea what was happening,” Roman said in a loud whisper.

“It’s cool, I didn’t have any idea either. I didn’t even know they called you. I don’t think I gave them your number,” Virgil shrugged. Roman clicked his tongue and tapped his foot.

“An older emergency card was in your wallet had him on it,” Steven supplied.

“Is he on something?” Roman pointed to Virgil.

“Sedatives. He’s on suicide watch. He panics too much without it,” Steven provided and tapped his foot in the air.

“Suicide watch! What happened?” Roman hissed through his teeth.

“Steve’s cool. Say ‘hi’ to Steve. He’s here to make sure I don’t rip a needle out of my arm and stab myself with it. They’re very nice not to restrain me over it. But maybe it was the panic attack. Say thank you, Steve,” Virgil pointed to him.

“What? Thank you, Steve?” Roman said, baffled.

“You're welcome. Virgil’s very nice for a guy who attacked me with a different needle a few days ago,” Steve nodded.

“Sorry again,” Virgil said sheepishly.

“I still forgive you. The doctor thinks you probably weren’t fully conscious,” Steve shrugged. “You got to start learning to forgive yourself for stuff,”

“Virgil, what in god’s green earth happened?” Roman demeaned, gripping the bed frame.

“I don’t think that’s any of _your business_ , Ro,” Virgil shrugged lazily.

“You’re _my brother_ and in the hospital on suicide watch, that’s _my business_ ,” Roman hissed.

“Can you get my stuff out of Zillah’s house before one of his shit bag friends posts his bail? Remus will probably help you. He knows where my stuff is,” Virgil asked. “I don’t want him to have it. Plus, you should probably have the photo albums and stuff. Nurse Johnson can get you my house keys,” Virgil asked blithely.

“I think it’s still a crime scene, bud,” Steven shook his head. “He can’t get in there either. I mean you did stab the dude but I think the case is pretty cut and dry, they’ll probably let you get first dibs. He was loudly screaming about murdering you when the cops took him from the hospital so it’s not like they don’t know he might try to burn your stuff or something,” 

“You stabbed Zillah?” Roman asked incredulously.

“Multiple times,” Virgil corrected him blithely. 

“Why did you stab your boyfriend?” Roman asked, sounding desperate.

“ _Ex_ ,” Virgil hissed loudly. “And trust me when I say he had it coming. Come on, _Chicago_ , you _know_ this. He had it coming, he only had himself to blame!” Virgil sang.

“Quiet is for you too, Virgil,” Steve chided.

“Sorry, Steve,” Virgil whispered. Steve nodded and looked back to his comic book.

“You stabbed him because he _cheated on you_?” Roman asked incredulously.

“Nah. Well, maybe he did. I dunno. But _nah_. But the flower in its prime _sure ain’t him_ ,” Virgil shrugged again.

“He was _abusing_ you?” Roman asked, sounding very sad.

“Sister, that ain’t the half of it,” Virgil reached up and pulled down his hospital gown to reveal the stitched-up X over his heart.

“ _Jesus Christ_ ,” Roman hissed.

“He’s got a matching one, now. Lover’s scarification!” Virgil giggled.

“You are seriously loopy, Virgil, that’s… kind of a fucked up thing to laugh about,” Roman said, looking concerned.

“They said I lost my mind from repeated trauma! I go to the psych ward to talk about my feelings once they solve the whole stabbing myself situation. But see, I don’t have feelings about it. Other than it felt _fucking good_ to pay that son of a bitch back,” Virgil smirked.

“He’s been humming the cell block tango to himself,” Steven supplied.

“Yeah, but I’m not going to jail. I’m just gonna die, it’ll be easier,” Virgil nodded.

“Virgil, _buddy_ , you know you’re not supposed to say that,” Steven shook his head.

“Yeah, _no kidding_ you’re not supposed to say that!” Roman shot.

“I’m also not supposed to stab my ex, cut open my own tongue with the same knife, and then kiss him,” Virgil said glibly. “I’m so pissed they wouldn’t let me keep the slit. A forked tongue would be so cool,” Roman looked aghast.

“It _definitely_ would have gotten infected, and you’d die, bud,” Steven said.

“Isn’t that the _goal_?” Virgil huffed and rolled his eyes.

“How can you be in the same room as this?” Roman asked, pointing to Virgil.

“Because I know he doesn’t mean it. He spends half the time feeling proud and the other half sobbing. I can’t judge him for how he’s dealing with the trauma. I’ve seen the rest of the scars and bruises, I have no idea what he’s going through. You shouldn’t judge him either. He’s your brother. We called you because we thought he could use more support,” Steven said, looking back down to his comic book and flipping the page. 

“Is that true, Virge?” Roman asked, gripping the railing again and looking concerned.

“ _Damn_ , Steve, you really came for my merkin,” Virgil chuckled. “Yeah, some _blah blah_ about pre-existing borderline personality disorder and a mental breakdown. I mean I was hallucinating in that cage so maybe a psychotic break but I’m not ‘technically diagnosed’ yet. They just have psychiatrists come up here when I’m having ‘an episode’,” Virgil said derisively, using finger quotes.

“I think it’s only a psychotic break if the hallucinations and delusions continue,” Steven supplied.

“Okay, so panic-attack induced mental breakdown,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Jesus, Virge. Are you _okay_?” Roman said, looking incredibly morose.

“ _No_!” Virgil cackled for a minute. “Actually, I want to cry,” Virgil frowned. “I’m so sorry, _I’m so sorry_ ,” Virgil’s eyes started welling up. 

“Alright, Roman, you should leave for this part,” Steven put down his comic book and came over to the bed to push a button. 

“What’s going on? Why?” Roman asked, looking scared, and Virgil broke down crying. “Can I help?” Steven put his hand over the needle in Virgil’s arm.

“The psychiatrist is coming. If Virgil would feel better with you here, you can stay, but otherwise, you should go. Sometimes he lashes out when he gets like this,” Steven said firmly and Virgil choked on his tears.

“I’m so sorry- I- _please, no_ ,” Virgil sobbed.

“Hey, hey, Virge, I’m here. You want to take my hand?” Roman said softly and offered his hand. Virgil took it and pulled Roman close. Roman carefully placed his arm around Virgil and Virgil sobbed pleas and apologies into his shirt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _yesssss_ Feral Virgil finally got the brutal vengance he _deserves_


	12. Then you Stop me Talking as you Kiss me From Above

Virgil leaned back in the grass in the small courtyard they sunned the patients in like freakin’ plants, sliding his hands through it and looking at the sky.

“Virgil, it’s good to see you looking upbeat today,” Steve said, sitting down with yogurt next to Virgil on the grass.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure if you’d come to visit today,” Virgil smiled up at him.

“Getting some sun and seeing my favourite patient was a win-win. I wasn’t sure I’d catch you during a break, though. My break got pushed but like 15 minutes. I missed you the last few days,”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t feel like going back in yet and they like it when we chill outside to get happy chemicals from the sun, even though my serotonin machine is broke,”

“Are the meds working yet?” Steve asked hopefully.

“I don’t know. My scores are going up slightly, but I’m just still so stoked he’s going to jail,” Virgil smirked.

“Yeah. That is awesome news. I’m happy a guy like him is off the streets and in prison. I’m sure it helps he’s paying your medical bills, too,” Steve nodded, looking very satisfied.

“Oh, yeah, loads. You know I had a few panic attacks about it. I hope you guys gut him and bill him for every blanket I touched or cotton ball I threw in boredom,” Virgil laughed.

“They probably will, and more,” Steve smirked.

“Roman is picking me up and me and my friends are going to get my stuff out of his house and put it in Ro’s apartment today. They’re letting me leave only if Roman promises to monitor me,” Virgil said, nervously gripping the grass in his hands.

“Ugh, if how much blood they said you were covered in when you first came in meant anything I’d be surprised you’d want any of it still,” Steve said, making a disgusted face.

“Yeah, they’re kind of worried about me going back. I’m supposed to stay out of the living room and Roman’s getting a sedative to give me if I have a panic attack. But me and my therapist agreed it could be cathartic to finally disconnect everything with him. Anyway, the only stuff of mine in the living room is my computer desk and a few books on the bookshelf. We kept all my things boxed away, for the most part, it should be fairly simple to load into a truck. I could take some furniture and stuff, too, but I don’t want any of it. Let the bank have it or whatever. I don’t actually know if his house is paid off or not,” Virgil explained.

“If it is, he’s definitely selling it to pay your medical bills,” Steve nodded.

“His BDSM collection probably would pay for a good hunk, but like can you imagine that Craigslist ad? High-end BDSM gear, some used as evidence in convicted rape, assault, and torture case, 20k OBO, selling fast because once again I am a convicted criminal and the person I used it on is institutionalized because he’s a danger to himself and others,” Virgil laughed.

“Ugh, that’s a picture. Probably not the weirdest Craigslist ad out there,” Steve said, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

“You know, you’re probably right. I’m still pissed he tried to tote what we did as consensual and extended out the case and having to show the jury more videos of him fuckin’ punishing me and me screaming for him to stop. What a fucking asshole. Most of the jury couldn’t look me in the eye, so I’m glad they still voted in my favor. Though I swear to god if I ever find a video of me on some porn site I’m burning the whole world down. It was bad enough having to see them in court. I wouldn’t put it past that sick fuck to upload them online somewhere while he was on trial,” Virgil accused Zillah bitterly.

“I couldn’t blame you. I hope your brother didn’t have to see,” Steve sighed.

“He took me out of the courtroom when I started having a flashback, so he probably saw parts of it,” Virgil said quietly. “I think Remus saw, because he was so mad he couldn’t speak after that court day. They’re nice enough not to mention it. I really wish I didn’t involve them in any of this mess,” Virgil leaned forward and wrung his hands.

“Hey, hey, hey, I’m touching you, okay?” Steve said and Virgil nodded. Steve put his hand gently on Virgil’s arm and squeezed lightly. “They wanted to help because they love you. You’re in the hospital and you’re safe and he’s in jail,” Virgil swallowed and nodded. Steve exhaled but kept his hand on Virgil. “Any news on getting you a service dog?”

“Yeah. She starts training with me next week. She makes the cutest little noise sometimes that sounds like beeping so they’re letting me rename her Beeps. She used to be named Wendy. She’s a border collie lab mix, and she’s got the cutest little white socks. We’ll train her in the yard a bit so hopefully, you can meet her on some break sometime,”

“They’re kind of high-energy service dogs for apartments, aren’t they?” Steve asked with his eyebrows raised.

“My therapist thinks it’s a good idea for me to go out for a run with her and be around people. I’m still nervous in public and I would be safe with her,” Virgil said, rubbing his arm. “The apartment is kind of small for four people and a dog. But they all agree leaving me alone when I’m released is a bad idea. They’re talking about getting something bigger when the lease it up, but I don’t know if I can really help pay for something bigger,”

“You had two different psychiatrists and another patient buy some paintings you been doing, though. Maybe you’ll be able to get more sales?” Steve offered hopefully.

“The psychiatrists both thought they were ‘fascinating’. I’m not sure that I like the idea of my art being interesting only as a mental case,” Virgil frowned.

“I’ve called plenty of classical paintings fascinating. I’m sure they enjoy them both artistically and from knowing you as a person,” Steve said and motioned with his hands the two separate concepts.

“My therapist says I need to work on being more positive,” Virgil sighed.

“That’s the spirit? _Kind of_?” Steve agreed nervously.

“No, I’m going to… make the effort to believe you. Thanks for believing in me and putting up with me,” Virgil said carefully, rubbing his arms.

“Hey, you’re a nice guy. I know it seemed like I was stuck in there with you sometimes, but I wouldn’t keep visiting if I didn’t like you. I am kinda busy,” Steve laughed.

“How’s Pryce?” Virgil asked.

“Dramatic and heroic as usual. Probably still willing to fight a dragon for you even if you two didn’t hit it off so well,” Steve gave a half-smile and a little shrug.

“Man, they say I’m the mental case,” Virgil chuckled. “Well, I’m kidding. He was very nice, but he kind of stressed me out. Your shifts were always easier,”

“I’m still grateful for you getting me comic books,” Steve grinned.

“I spent like 65% of my time spacing out at the wall and the TV stressed me out. I felt like a piece of shit letting you sit there bored,” Virgil looked down to the grass.

“It was my _job_ , Virgil,” Steve rolled my eyes. “And easiest one I was ever given,”

“I attacked you with a needle and you got my blood on you multiple times when I attacked myself. Sometimes I just sat there and screamed. You’re seriously saying that was easy?” Virgil asked incredulously.

“I got to sit down and read comic books,” Steve shrugged.

“God, they should pay you more if that’s really an easy task. Hey, what time is it?” Virgil asked.

“Half-past 2, I’ve got about 5 more minutes to soak up some sun,” Steve said.

“Cool. Roman’s probably here already,” Virgil said and fiddled with his t-shirt. He really didn’t like these hospital clothes. He wanted to wear something less scratchy.

“Is leaving already stressing you out?” Steve rubbed Virgil’s shoulder.

“Kind of. Change is scary,” Virgil muttered.

“You’ve got this. Roman’s with you and he knows how to look after you,” Steve offered in solace.

“Yeah. You think it’s too late to back out?” Virgil asked quietly, twisting the bottom of his shirt in his hands nervously.

“If your therapist thinks it’s a good idea and your friends have the truck already, it’s probably a good idea to at least try. You can always back out after you get there. No one is forcing you to stay. They can probably even just go in there and get the boxes without you,” Steve said calmly.

“Some of those boxes are his and I don’t want to accidentally unbox a sex swing or something,” Virgil shuddered. “I just have to get through it once and then I don’t have to go back,” Virgil reassured himself.

“Good use of CBT. Let me walk you to Roman before I’ve got to get back to work,” Steve offered, getting up out of the grass.

“You don’t have to do that,” Virgil mumbled and rubbed his arm. Steve held out his hand and Virgil got up.

“It’s not a problem. I’m headed that way, anyway. I’d rather you get there safe then hear about you having a panic attack in a closet somewhere later,” Steve explained blithely.

“Gee, _very_ confidence instilling,” Virgil grumbled as they walked inside.

“You are here for a reason. Know your limits, yeah? After you’re out and we’re out at a coffee shop somewhere I’ll trust you not to jump the counter for a knife. Until then, one step at a time,” Steve said confidently.

“Yeah, yeah, I hear it all the time,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’re really not just humoring me? You’d get coffee with me after I get out?” Virgil said hopefully.

“Yeah. I know you’ve got trust issues, so I’ll always be upfront, okay? I’m here because I like hanging out with you. I don’t mind that you need a few extra reassurances. I think you’re considerate and funny and if I didn’t have student loans I’d buy one of your paintings,” Steve smiled.

“I’d make a finger-painting for you,” Virgil chuckled. “You know, that kid paint that let me use before I could prove myself safe enough for the real stuff? It’d be _epic_ ,”

“I’d dig it,” Steve chuckled. “Hey, Roman, special delivery,” Steve waved and propelled Virgil gently towards Roman.

“Oh! Steven! Delightful to see you!” Roman beamed back at him. Virgil nervously looked to the floor and stuffed his hands in his sweatpants pockets.

“Virgil’s kinda nervous about leaving. I wanted to get him to you safe,” Steven said. “We had a nice break in the courtyard together,”

“I was just chatting with Linda. Do you want a hug, Virgil?” Roman asked. Virgil nodded and walked into Roman’s arms. Roman rubbed the back of his neck and held him close.

“Virgil, I think you can do this. You’re ready and the time is right. I’ll try to keep myself available so you can talk when you get back, okay?” Dr. Linda said. Virgil nodded weakly. “Roman’s got your sedative and knows what to look out for. I need you to not go off on your own in there and stay close to someone,” She requested.

“Okay,” Virgil nodded. “I don’t want to be alone in there anyway,” Virgil sighed.

“I’ve got a few boxes in the truck for any lose items and everyone else will meet us there. With the 6 of us, we should be in and out in a jiffy, alright?” Roman consoled him and rubbed his arm.

“Am I _really_ ready for this?” He looked to Dr. Linda nervously.

“You’re ready for this, Virgil. And all you have to do is try. It’s okay if you need to back out for the day after you get there,” Dr. Linda said softly. Virgil nodded. Roman reached down for Virgil’s hand.

“Come on, everyone will be there soon,” Roman smiled. Virgil gave Roman a weak smile and he followed him out of the hospital.

—

Virgil stood in the yard, shaking as he stared at the door with the police tape across it. Remy was latched on to him around his shoulders while he tried to get a hold of himself.

“You got this, babe. Get all that fucking anger pent up in you and let’s kick down that door and take what’s yours,” Remy hissed, trying to rile up Virgil.

“We have the keys there, kiddo-” Patton tried to start but Virgil was feeling pumped.

“Fuck yeah!” He shouted and took off across the lawn and launched his entire body near the weak point in the door. The door cracked open, and he stumbled in.

“Remy! God damn it! Virgil, are you okay?” Roman came running up behind him. Virgil froze in the front hall.

“They… the smell,” Virgil whispered.

“Ugh, yeah. That’s pungent,” Roman picked up Virgil off the front hall floor and lead him back outside.

“Okay, we need masks! It’s very… rusty in there,” Roman said.

“I brought masks and gloves and sanitation supplies,” Logan said, heading over to the car and pulling out a small box. “I was concerned about biohazard material,” Logan passed out masks and gloves from the box. “I will take the living room for now, but I may need to tag out. Just the computer station and art books, correct?” Logan asked. Virgil nodded and snapped on a pair of gloves. He put his mask in position and stared down the house again.

“Okay... Roman, I’m just going to close my eyes and you’re going to lead me to the second to last door down the hall, okay?” Virgil said. “Then I can take a red sharpie and mark the boxes I want,”

“I have the sharpie!” Patton said, holding it up brightly. “I’ll stay with the truck and load things in. I’m not sure I have the stomach for going in,” Patton admitted.

“He had a frap when we went to go grab Virgil the victory hot cocoa to sip that he chugged like a champ,” Remy smirked. “Unicorn colored vomit is only funny the first time. Come on babes, let’s feed off that mad door-busting down energy and get the fuck in there!” Remy cheered again and Roman and Remus joined him in chorus. Virgil let himself be pushed forward by Roman. He shouldn’t bear to look at anything. He didn’t open his eyes until he heard the door shut behind him and Roman put his hand back on Virgil’s shoulder.

“Alright, let’s tackle this,” Roman confidently flipped out a box cutter and started opening up the tape, and Virgil followed behind him to mark the boxes he wanted with a red sharpie. Roman was stacking those near the door and Remus came to get them to hand off to Patton in a work line. Patton would re-tape them in the truck, probably. Virgil didn’t like the sound of tape rolls and it would happen a lot back to back. Whenever Virgil found a box he didn’t want, he’d punch or kick it hard to knock it away, just as an immediate release of tension. His psychiatrist always talked about ending the stress cycle as soon as it was safe to with physical activity and punching cardboard boxes of Zi’s shit was a great way to do that.

When Virgil found the boxes with his art supplies and his blank canvases and unsold works, it cheered him up a bit. But most of this stuff was really stressful. Virgil found the box with the sex swing and picked that one up and threw it against the wall as hard as possible. Remus cheered when he came to pick up another box and saw Virgil do it. He felt okay still. Maybe. He wasn’t sure. They got through all these boxes and now he had to go pick his clothes out of the bedroom.

“Roman… I need some fresh air before we do the bedroom, yeah?” Virgil said weakly. Roman wrapped his arm around Virgil’s shoulder and Virgil let Roman lead him back out front.

“Up the ramp, Virgil. If you sit in the truck you don’t have to look at the house for a bit,” Roman said, directing Virgil. “Watch your step,” He said and Virgil finally opened his eyes to Patton sitting down and smiling in the truck with Logan, who looked kind of narrowed.

“Did you… need to tag out of the living room?” Virgil asked with concern.

“No. I needed a break. There was just… it was right next to your desk,” Logan said darkly. “The good news is there’s very little blood on the things on your desk. The lower portions took the brunt of it,” Logan said, looking slightly relieved. “Also, someone stole his TV. I assume that is good news, anyway,”

“Oh, that’s hilarious,” Virgil laughed and sat down against the wall in the truck.

“I’m back with more libations!” Remy announced. “A round of iced mochas for all to enjoy,” Remy said, stepping up the ramp into the truck with two trays of drinks, followed by Remus with another box.

“Oh, mocha break? You know how to chill, Remy,” Remus smirked and grabbed two out of the tray, passing them off to Roman and Virgil before going back for his own. The drinks were distributed and they all drank in awkward silence. Virgil knew it was awkward, too. This wasn’t just him being paranoid about his friends again. This was weird. He hated being here and it radiated off of him. His friends hated seeing the carnage up close. The carnage he didn’t start but finished. The blood Virgil spilled all over the living room from the both of them.

“How are you holding up, Virgil?” Remus asked, sitting down next to him.

“I’m holding. I’m just… the bedroom, you know?” Virgil mumbled.

“How about I go in there and give it a preliminary pass, just in case there’s something left out?” Remus offered.

“Please?” Virgil asked weakly.

“Happy to oblige, Virgey,” Remus smiled and sipped his drink. Virgil leaned his head against Remus’s shoulder.

“I’m really sorry,” Virgil muttered.

“Virgil, no,” Roman said firmly. “You don’t need to apologize. Right everybody?”

“Right!” “Correct,” “Fuck it,” “Happy to help,” came back at once.

“You know what happens sometimes when you apologize. You can work out those feelings later when you talk to Linda, okay?” Roman said.

“Thanks for being here for me,” Virgil corrected himself.

“That’s right. Good job, Virgil,” Roman rubbed his shoulder.

“It’s probably a good idea to work in pairs inside the house from here on out, just like Virgil is doing,” Patton suggested. “I don’t think Logan should go on his own back into the living room. Roman, will you go with him? Remy can go with Remus while they clear through things before getting the last of the boxes. I’ll stay here with Virgil while you guys get the bedroom ready to box up some clothes,” Patton asked.

“Good thinking,” Logan said. “I appreciate it. Will you be okay, Roman? It’s really… eventful,” Logan said carefully.

“I’ll be powered by righteous fury,” Roman nodded and took a long sip of his drink. Logan did the same and they both got off the truck floor to head back in. Remus slightly bonked his head to Virgil’s and stuck out his tongue.

“I’ll let you know when it’s ready, but take your time if you need it, Virgey,” Remus said.

“You should break something of his in there, just to keep of the rage power,” Remy smirked.

“Remy, that’s enough,” Patton chided him, but Remy shrugged dramatically and got up to follow Remus out of the truck. Patton moved to sit over next to Virgil in the truck.

“Are you still with us, Virge?” Patton asked softly.

“Yeah… yeah. I’m scared. But I’m still here,” Virgil rocked slightly.

“Kiddo, your knuckles are white. You gotta loosen up,” Patton said, tapping Virgil’s fist. Virgil swallowed and slowly released his balled fists.

“It’s so weird. I was happy here not that long ago. And now I’m terrified,” Virgil mumbled. “It’s the same house and the same memories, but now everything is re-contextualized and it hurts,” Virgil whispered.

“I can’t say I get what you mean, but I’m here for you. Unless it’s like when you love something as a kid and you eat it again as an adult and now it makes you sick and it actually tastes terrible. Then maybe I get it, but obviously in a much different way,” Patton smiled at him.

“It is kind of like that. It’s like the sludge at the bottom of the milk glass of Oreos. When I was a kid, it was my favourite part. Now it’s sickly sweet and gross and the texture is wrong and makes me want to hurl,” Virgil nodded. “But yeah, it’s a pretty different thing even if it’s the same concept,”

“Is it hard to keep off the rose-colored glasses that make the cookie sludge look good? Or is it harder to be faced with the sludge in the harsh light of day?” Patton asked.

“It’s kind of both. I’m always learning and remembering things that hurt me. And sometimes I want the sludge the way it was when it was like melted ice cream levels of delicious. And sometimes the sludge is overwhelming and painful and I can’t focus on anything else like it’s looming over me,” Virgil said.

“That’s some imagery,” Patton chuckled.

“It’ll make a great out of context absurdest painting,” Virgil shrugged.

“Oh, for sure. But the people who get it will feel really seen,” Patton smiled.

“Dr. Linda would probably like it. Maybe I’ll start painting it tomorrow if I’m okay enough. I’m kind of worried I won’t be,” Virgil admitted.

“It’s okay to be not okay,” Patton said.

“That’s confusing at best, Pat,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Yeah. This is sort of out of my depth. But I know that it’s objectively hard to get better. And you have to get through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. You can wade through the cookie sludge and sometimes you’ll have to swim, but at the end, you get to pull yourself up and it’s just ankle depth and you get to enjoy real super fancy ice cream that tastes good and has a nice texture and doesn’t upset your tummy,” Patton said.

“You are a _wealth_ of absurdest mental health paintings,” Virgil laughed.

“You should make a series of dealing with cookie sludge,” Patton smiled.

“I absolutely should,” Virgil pat Patton’s shoulder and sipped his drink.

“You know that Janus fellow might be fancy ice cream,” Patton said, failing to sound off-hand and failing spectacularly.

“Dr. Linda says I need to work on _me_ right now. It was really nice of him to take care of me while I was out of it, and he’s really handsome and Remus thinks he’s a good guy. He was very suave when he visited me in the hospital and reintroduced himself. So, I want the fancy ice cream. I mean, in theory. But I’m still swimming in the sludge and I need to be okay with that for now,” Virgil said, feeling a little downtrodden when he admitted it.

“I just was curious if he could be,” Patton shrugged. “It sounds like he maybe is,”

“I’m… I can’t… We might want different things,” Virgil mumbled. “We’d have to have a serious talk and that scares me,” Virgil sipped his mocha slowly.

“Well, it can wait! He’s single and I don’t think he’s going anywhere. He and Roman get along like a house on fire. Janus is nearly as big of a theatre nerd as Roman,” Patton laughed.

“He’s a fancy ice cream with sprinkles. But I’m still… well…” Virgil sighed and pointed behind him with his thumb. “I can’t get over the sludge, yet,” Patton’s cheeks puffed up, and he looked angry. “It’s a _process_ , okay? I’m _very_ aware he hurt me,” Virgil held up his hands and drank more iced mocha.

“Room’s clear,” Remus announced as he started up the ramp with a box, followed closely by Remy. “Kind of, anyway. There’s a towel on the floor we’re not gonna move,” Remus looked a little pale.

“Okay, who is going with me?” Virgil asked nervously. He didn’t like the sound of that towel.

“We’ll both go, babe. There are only two more boxes to grab. We’ll be right back,” Remy said and blew Virgil a kiss after dropping off the boxes.

“I’ll wait to tape these up,” Patton smiled. “Take a deep breath and steel yourself, okay?” Patton encouraged Virgil, and he nodded. Virgil watched them return up the ramp with trepidation, but he took Remus’s hand to help him off the floor, regardless. He walked down the ramp and headed back in the house without making them lead him and close his eyes, checking his mask before going through the door.

“Remus, can you get down my painting and steal these little dragon figurines? I’m going to repaint ‘em and rehouse them, they deserve a better home,” Virgil asked. Remus saluted him and walked over to the shit table while he and Remy headed into the bedroom. Virgil’s eyes were drawn up immediately to the bar hanging from the ceiling. Virgil swallowed nervously.

“Did you ever use that as a swing?” Remy asked, and Virgil was thankful for the distraction into good memories instead.

“Yeah, it was part of my exercise routine. Check it out,” Virgil hopped up on the bar and did three pull-ups before pulling himself on to the bar and swinging his legs.

“Damn, girl, you’ve got some upper arm strength,” Remy whistled. “Come down, the box is ready to throw your shit in. Can I throw one of these glass candles?” Remy asked, pointing at candles on the dresser.

“Yeah, be my guest,” Virgil said. “Remy’s gonna throw glass!” Virgil called into the hall and lowered himself down while Remy threw the candle at the wall and it shattered very satisfactorily. Virgil was glad Remy was distracting him, it made things a little easier.

“Ugh, that felt good. I needed that. Okay, clothes. I’m just gonna throw what’s garbage out of the drawer and put stuff in a pile that maybe you wanna keep. I can already see some of these shirts and things are faded pieces of shit,”

“I don’t want to not have clothes when I get out of the hospital, Remy. Don’t go too crazy,” Virgil said carefully and sat down next to the box and the already growing pile of ‘Remy approved’ clothes. Remus rejoined them.

“I’m sad I missed throwing things! It sounded cool though,” Remus sat down on the floor next to Virgil. “I’m going to keep my hand on you while you sort, okay?” Remus said and placed his hand on Virgil’s back. Virgil nodded.

Virgil started picking up the stuff Remy liked and dropping the things he also wanted in the box after folding them. He hadn’t disagreed with Remy much other than things that just didn’t fit anymore. Sometimes Remus would help fold next to him. Things went pretty smoothly as they sailed through the pants. Slacks and jeans were generic, and he didn’t have any issues with them. He got through a good amount of T-shirts, too. The problem was the clubbing stuff and the halter top in Virgil’s hands. Virgil stared at it angrily but he was so sweet and it was so nice and he messed everything up, he could still be so happy with Zi if he just had been a good sub and just have taken the punishment, Zi was always sweet after a bad punishment. It would have been okay. Why did he have to fuck up? Why did he have to attack him? Virgil held the top tight and curled in on himself, starting to cry.

“Woah, that’s a bad top. Virgil, give it up,” Remus said firmly.

“No!” Virgil screamed and held tight as he sobbed into his lap.

“Virgil, it’s _hurting_ you!” Remus said, putting his hand on Virgil’s back and applying pressure.

“ _I_ hurt me! _I_ ruined _everything_!” Virgil cried.

“Roman!” Remus and Remy called at the same time.

“Hey, Virgil, it’s okay, you didn’t ruin everything. Give me the top and you can go take a break outside with Patton,” Remus offered softly.

“I’ll walk you out, babe, it’ll be okay,” Remy said. Virgil shook his head and dug his nails into his arms. “ _Ro_?” Remy asked, but Virgil had no idea about what. He was too busy mentally eviscerating himself with all the things he could have done to make it okay again.

“Virgil, darkling, this is going to sting,” Roman said. Virgil shook his head violently and thrashed against the floor.

“Shit. He’s bleeding,” Remus hissed.

“Babe, _babe_. Look at me,” Remy said seriously and held up one finger. “Watch my finger, okay?” Virgil watched Remy’s finger slowly trace a shape in the air. There was a sharp sting on Virgil’s arm, but he slowly managed to relax and catch his breath even though his head was still screaming at him that he was a failure.

“Okay, I think he’s done for the day. Let’s get him back to Dr. Linda,” Roman said softly. “Remy, can you make a box with Remus and label it unsorted clothes? Then he can finish later. Everything else mentioned wanting is already in the truck. He should have some ties in the closet. If I had to guess they’re the cheaper ones or purple ones. Any smaller button-down shirts are probably his, too. Virgil’s a small-medium and the other stuff should be large or bigger,”

“I think I’ll be able to recognize them, I’ll help. Hold on,” Remus got up and went into the closet. He re-emerged with the hoodie he bought at the mall with Remus. “Here, put this on, Virge, it’ll help,”

“No, I-,” Virgil said slowly. “Yeah,” He nodded and Remus helped him into the jacket and uncurl himself in the progress. “The other one? _Leave_ it,” Virgil said softly in a brief moment of clarity while Roman lifted him off the floor and carried him out of the bedroom. Virgil watched Roman go down the hall, and it was all too much.

“We got the stuff from the living room and it’s been sanitized. We’re almost done. Let’s go sit with Pat,” Roman said gently.

“No, I can’t, I’m sorry, please,” Virgil mumbled quietly to himself. Roman looked very sad but headed dutifully headed into the truck. He didn’t stop holding Virgil when he sat down, which Virgil quietly appreciated.

“Hey, kiddo. Too much cookie sludge?” Patton asked, gently sitting down next to Virgil and slowly pet his hair a few times.

“An ocean of it,” Virgil croaked out. “And it almost tastes good again,”

“Virge, I’ll make you sick. You gotta hold out for the ice cream. The fancy stuff,” Patton said compassionately.

“What in the world are you two talking about?” Roman asked.

“Cookie sludge. And how it used to be good. And but now it’s gross and makes you sick. Right, Virgil?” Patton asked. Virgil nodded slowly.

“Oh. I see,” Roman sounded like he understood.

“He’d forgive me if I really tried, he would. He always did,” Virgil said softly, his eyes slipping closed.

“He doesn’t _deserve_ you and he’s in _prison_ for _hurting_ you,” Roman said firmly.

“I’m _so_ sorry, I’m so _so_ sorry,” Virgil cried into his hands.

“We decided to leave all the more revealing stuff, just to be safe,” Remus said, coming into the back with a box.

“Yeah, it’s a little more boring but we can get him some new trashy dance clothes,” Remy nodded. “He’s still got plenty of emo stuff to wear in here if he’s up to it,”

“No,” Virgil murmured, not really objecting to Remy but to the situation in general.

“Let’s lay him down in the backseat of the car. Someone will have to be on make-sure-he-doesn’t-attack-himself duty there with him,” Roman said. It sounded so matter-of-fact that Virgil didn’t feel bad about it.

“I’ll stop him,” Remus said, reaching down and picking up Virgil out of Roman’s arms. Virgil weakly flailed. “It’s okay, Virge,” Remus said softly and stepped down the ramp. “Logan, I need the first aid stuff in the back seat!” Remus called.

“I’ll be right there to help,” Logan called back.


	13. We Only Ever Wanted One Thing From This

“Hey, Janus! I’m glad you can make it! I’m just getting everybody drinks and making popcorn! What would you like?” Patton asked brightly as Janus walked into their apartment. He rushed back off into the kitchen to watch the microwave to make sure the popcorn didn’t burn.

“Black tea would _absolutely dreadful_ , thank you,” Janus smiled and nodded. Patton giggled at Janus’s sarcastic drawl.

“No problem. Everybody else is already here in the living room,” Patton said brightly.

“ _Hi, Janus_!” A chorus from Roman and Remus rose up.

“Hey,” Virgil smiled as Janus came up and sat next to him and Beeps on the couch. Virgil was idly petting her fur to ground himself, feeling nervous but mostly okay. He hadn’t seen Janus since the last movie night and it was nice to see him again. Especially since Virgil had fallen asleep partway through the movie last time because he had a panic attack earlier that day.

“Can you be a tiebreaker, Janus? Half the room wants to see _The Intern_ and the other half want to watch _Love, Actually_ ,” Logan asked, holding up two movie cases, shaking them as he named the titled.

“ _The Intern_. Anne Hathaway. _An obvious_ choice,” Janus leaned back and put his arm up near Virgil’s shoulders. Virgil blushed slightly and hid his face right away. God damnit, he was too handsome. Why is he always dressed like a movie star? Clothes shouldn’t fit that well! It’s just a nice shirt and tight jeans, and a jacket! Why can’t Virgil stop being so gay over him!?

“Oh, you’re right. The princess of Genovia! I change my vote to _The Intern_ , too,” Roman smiled.

“I’m glad we agree. Let’s wait for Patton to get back to start it,” Logan said, getting up and putting the disk in the player.

“I’ll help you carry shit, babe,” Remy said, getting up from Roman’s lap in the recliner.

“Thanks, Remy,” Patton said, coming in with a few bags of popcorn. “Are you okay with sharing a bag with Virgil, Janus? Beeps is a good girl and won’t steal any while she’s working, don’t worry,” Patton asked. Virgil blushed and frowned at Patton, but Patton just smirked as he passed one to Virgil.

“I don’t mind,” Janus said smoothly, like melted chocolate. Too gay! _The thought was too gay_! Beeps shifted in his lap, and he steadied himself again. Remy came out and put Virgil’s and Janus’s tea in front of them on the coffee table with a wink and a smirk. God damn it, he’s that obvious and everybody fucking knew it. Remy flopped back into Roman’s lap and ate a handful of popcorn.

“Honey, we haven’t even _started_ the movie,” Roman rolled his eyes and ate a handful, too. Remy just laughed at him.

“Popcorn never makes it through the previews,” Remus nodded sagely and ate a handful himself. Logan and Remus were in front of the coffee table on some pillows.

“So Janus, we were thinking about doing a pot luck type thing next weekend, would you be interested in coming?” Patton asked as he sat in the final empty spot on the couch.

“I would be delighted,” Janus smiled at Virgil knowingly and Virgil pulled up his hood to stop blushing. “Appetizer or a meal?” Janus turned back to Patton to ask.

“Either! I’m making cookies, Remy’s going to get free coffee from work, Virgil’s going to make chicken croquettes. Everyone else is still picking. Logan’s allergic to shellfish, but otherwise there are no food allergies to worry about,” Patton smiled.

“You can make croquettes?” Janus said, sounding interested.

“Virge is the best cook in the house!” Patton chirped.

“He’s probably the best cook in the whole damn apartment complex,” Remy dropped his sunglasses down his nose to watch the TV as Logan pushed play.

“Just text us in the group chat when you decide so nobody brings duplicates,” Patton said.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be mad if two people brought the same delicious thing,” Roman chuckled and devoured more popcorn.

“I found this recipe where you make mini mincemeat pies I might bring. They look so _weird_ ,” Remus said distractedly.

“If you’re not sure, Virge probably wants something with steak,” Remy provided, shoving more popcorn in his mouth and looking directly at Janus. They were trying to kill him with his own embarrassment. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he wasn’t. He had to trust they had his best interests in mind, but it was hard. It was hard to have to depend on people when it still feels like you might never really trust again.

“How about I get Virgil his weighted blanket and Beeps can take a break?” Patton smiled widely and looked like he was about to add something.

“Pat,” Virgil said shortly. Patton held up his hands in defeat. “Maybe later,” Virgil mumbled. Patton looked extremely pleased and got up to get the blanket. He set it down on the couch arm next to Virgil and settled back down to watch the movie, enjoying some chocolate-covered raisins.

Virgil sighed and stroked Beeps while he watched the movie. And sometimes watched Janus watch the movie. He _wanted_ that ice cream, damnit. He liked that his friends wanted it for him. But the ice cream was scary and Virgil still had more bad days than good. And he didn’t know what Janus wanted from him. Why would someone just come to help somebody with nothing to gain? Virgil couldn’t trust him. He couldn’t trust his motives. He’d have to talk to him. Even to stay friends. He didn’t know what happened the day they met. He’s lost memories from most of that week, from stress.

Not the ones he’d like to forget, of course. That would never happen, it would be too easy. But Dr. Marco says it’s good to remember because you can’t move on if you’re still trying to forget. But Virgil hated remembering still. He’d much rather enjoy their weekly movie nights and be here with his friends and keep his mind busy with his art and advertising and looking for a part-time job. He learned lots from back when he and a professional were training Beeps to be his service dog, so maybe he’d get a leg up if there was ever an opening at Remus’s job. He’d much rather babysit and train dogs all day than interact with people. Plus, Beeps had a tendency to herd, so she’d probably be pretty helpful there. She could be like a dog drill sergeant. The day Virgil woke up from a nap and Beeps had herded Patton and Roman into the kitchen was a day he was happy to remember.

Processing his freaking feelings felt like a full-time job. Nobody pays you to be human, though. Remy had been convincing the owner at the coffee shop to have Virgil paint ads on the windows once a week, so Virgil had a bit of money other than getting paid for art here and there. The art had a good reception from his clients so it seemed like he’d at least have fifty bucks a week for now, at least until the novelty wore off. Dr. Marco also bought a painting for his practice waiting Room. He wasn’t sure what it was about his art that spoke to people who were into brains, but he’d accepted that it wasn’t a fault as much as it was a skill. He had it listed on his website now as a special painting- therapist waiting room paintings.

It wasn’t exactly where he expected his life to be. Not that any of this was. Some days he’d wake up thinking he was still with Zi. And he’d get off the couch and make breakfast. His roommates weren’t mad at waking up to eggs Benedict or anything, but Virgil would accidentally kneel in the kitchen and someone would have to coax him on a chair and remind him where he was. Patton tried to give up his bedroom for Virgil so he wouldn’t keep thinking he was sleeping on the couch at Zi’s, but Virgil was too guilty about it to even consider it.

There were lots of little habits he struggled to break. Asking for permission to leave or eat or sleep. Not obsessively cleaning when the apartment was empty. Sometimes he’d drop into position if there was a loud noise. If people talked too sweetly or too angrily, he’d freak out. He’d sometimes exhaust himself making fancy dinners when he felt guilty about being a burden on them. They liked his cooking, but they’d feel just as bad when he was too tired to eat.

He has issues with food now, too. Well, he didn’t know he had developed them. He’d only eat small amounts, or he’d binge on a big meal and eat nothing else. His gastroenterologist was clear that he needed to eat consistently and not binge or starve himself because of the damage he did when he stabbed himself in the stomach. He didn’t realize the way he was eating before was bad. But having to sneak food because you wouldn’t be allowed to eat sometimes wasn’t the basis for a good relationship with eating.

But Beeps kept him active, which helped him stay healthy and get hungry. Roman exercised with him, too. It was really nice being back with his brother. And if he exercised enough he’d end up eating even without someone reminding him he needed to eat and he didn’t need permission. He used to fantasize about living with Roman instead of Zi a long time ago and it was just like he thought it would be. They argued about movies and music, supported each other’s art, exercised competitively, and sassed each other’s choices in clothes just like brothers should. And he never felt threatened arguing with Roman. If he argued with someone else sometimes he would shut down. But when Roman called Virgil 90s tattoo anklet stupid and Virgil would say that Roman’s face is stupid and they went on and on and it never scared him.

If he ever argued with Remy or Logan, though, he’d shut down quickly. They had kinds of stern voices when they were upset compared to the others. And they couldn’t avoid arguing with him. Because he did unhealthy things and didn’t know he was doing. He’d refuse to take his meds or go exercise. Or he wouldn’t eat dinner. Or he’d try to sleep on the floor. He tried to hurt himself still sometimes. Virgil wouldn’t do CBT or DBT stuff when he got overwhelmed.

There were lots of things he was still fighting. He wasn’t allowed to use knives, period. Patton would pre-chop vegetables and things for Virgil to cook while Virgil was out with Beeps or sequestered to a bedroom. But Virgil got mad about being treated like a kid about it, and they’d argue over that, too. Virgil knew that he shouldn’t have a knife. He got flashbacks holding them or seeing them, so he knew it was dumb to argue about it and he was being petulant for no reason. And then he’d get guilty.

The same thing with having to be watched all the time. He knew it had only been a month or so since they discharged him and he knew they were just trying to take care of him. But he wanted his independence back so badly. He couldn’t have it back yet. Dr. Marco warned him that he may never be able to use knives again. And he was still fighting with himself to accept that maybe he can never be fully independent again.

Virgil sighed and Beeps climbed up on his lap more. He motioned for her to get up and he slid under the weighted blanket before Beeps laid back on his lap. She was a good girl. Virgil scratched behind her ears and went back to feeling her fur.

“Are you _okay_ , Virgil?” Janus whispered. Virgil nodded slightly.

“I’ll be fine,” Virgil whispered back. “Just stress, not a flashback or anything,” He added after a moment of Janus still looking concerned.

“Would you like to get some fresh air? I’ll go with you,” Janus offered quietly. He probably should. If his therapist would say he should he probably should. It’s better to deal with the physical stress than to put it off and let it build. Virgil nodded and motioned for Beeps to get off his lap. She waited patiently near the door, clearly excited to go on a walk, but still on task. “Virgil and I are going to go for a walk,” Janus said, getting up from the couch.

“Aw, you’ll miss the _movie_ ,” Roman frowned. Remy pouted and tossed a loose piece of popcorn at Roman.

“I wasn’t really watching anyway, I can’t seem to get out of my head,” Virgil mumbled. “Sorry,”

“It’s all right. Do you want any more company?” Roman offered.

“No, you don’t have to miss your movie. Janus and Beeps are plenty for a sidewalk already,” Virgil gave him a weak smile. “I’ll call if I change my mind,” Virgil added. Roman smiled and nodded. Remy was a smug little fuck.

“Have a nice walk!” Patton beamed up at them. Virgil rolled his eyes and huffed. At least Remus and Logan could be chill about it. Virgil looked to Remus on the floor, also grinning wildly. Okay, maybe Remus couldn’t be chill about it. Virgil grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and put Beeps on her leash.

“Be back,” Janus waved to them and they stepped out into the cool night air. “Do you want to talk about what’s stressing you?” Janus asked as Virgil locked the front door behind them and signaled for Beeps to lead down their regular route. Virgil headed down the hall quietly for a moment before responding.

“I think it’s a lot of little things,” Virgil said plainly. “I don’t think you really want to hear it,”

“I’m happy to help you feel better,” Janus smiled.

“They can’t be solved. It’s just things I have to live with,” Virgil sighed and walked towards the pedestrian gate to head out onto the sidewalks.

“Then do you want to vent?” Janus offered after a pause where he seemed to consider Virgil.

“Maybe. I miss my independence. I miss feeling normal and functional. I even kind of miss when I didn’t realize how bad it was because at least things felt right,” Virgil admitted quietly. “I already know I shouldn’t want that. I just miss the… normality of it all,” Virgil added.

“Maybe it’s better to think of it as complacency over normality. It wasn’t normal. But there were lots of things that tricked you into thinking everything was okay. I’m not trying to imply you were stupid, but I think you didn’t want to admit it to yourself because it hurt. They played the recording in court, remember? You knew about things he did that you didn’t like, but accepting that things were actually terrible was hard. You were trying to protect yourself from the painful truth of it all, maybe,” Janus mused. “I felt that way, at least. And that doesn’t make you weak or stupid, just a survivor,”

“You never told me much about that,” Virgil said quietly.

“I like to leave it in the past. It wasn’t nearly as long or as traumatic as what you went through,” Janus slid his hands into his jacket pockets and looked thoughtful.

“It’s not a pissing contest,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’re not invalid just because you don’t need a damn service dog to stop you from attacking yourself when you have flashbacks,” Virgil hissed. “Oh, um, sorry for snapping at you,” Virgil said apologetically.

“It’s alright. I get where you’re coming from,” Janus said and smiled softly. “I forgive you,”

“Will… listen. I… you know my trust issues, right?” Virgil asked, and Janus nodded. “I sometimes can’t understand why you’d out and help me when I was fucked up at The Stockade. I keep thinking you wanted to get something out of it. I think I get rationally that you don’t because it’s been months and you’ve never asked for a single thing from me. But… I’d like to know what happened that night… and why you did it. So I can just… figure things out,” Virgil explained nervously.

“No, I want nothing from you. I just saw someone who needed help and wanted to help them. I could empathize with you,”

“Can you… I know that maybe you shouldn’t go into specifics because I don’t want a flashback or anything… just tell me a little? About both?” Virgil asked carefully. “It would really help me,” Virgil added after a moment.

“Can we sit, then? I’d like to keep an eye of you instead of having to watch where we’re walking,” Janus said.

“Yeah, there’s a little park near here. It’s only a few minutes down the street. Are you up for a jog for Beeps?” Virgil asked.

“Yes, I could use it after the tea,” Janus smiled and started jogging. Virgil picked up the pace and Beeps happily joined them. She was used to jogging this route with Virgil and Roman, and the three of them made quick work of it to the park. Virgil and Janus hunted down a park bench and Beeps hopped up right on to Virgil’s lap and Janus sat close on the other side.

“Can you tell me about why you related first? Low-detail version,” Virgil said nervously and started stroking Beeps.

“I was a lot like you. Young and new to the scene. Knew the rules, but the context could be easily obscured. I met someone who seemed like a good fit. But they often pushed my soft and hard limits and didn’t respect safe-wording. As you know it should end the scene altogether and not just whatever was happening. I was with them for three months or so and things slowly got worse. After some reflection, because I was stuck at home from something they did to me, I decided to break the agreement. They weren’t happy when I didn’t come back. They spread disgusting rumors around the scene after I left,” Janus admitted.

“I’m really sorry to hear that,” Virgil said, holding Beeps close.

“I was close to the stage. I know that look in your eye. The one that said you couldn’t take it anymore, but you also couldn’t safe-word. I had just come close because I liked your outfit, originally. But I couldn’t leave until I knew you were okay. If I didn’t happen to have sudden clarity about my needs one day, I could have ended up in your situation and I couldn’t take the idea of anybody being like that. I’ve helped other subs break arrangements before. I had contacted Remus to help convince you to leave and get you back on your feet afterwords, I had planned to do so for you as well,” Janus explained.

“Would you… would you mind wrapping your arm around my shoulder and squeezing a little?” Virgil asked and swallowed.

“Not at all,” Janus sat closer and raised his arm, applying pressure and pulling him close. “You’re safe,”

“Thanks. So you just saw someone that needed help that night? And you’re some kind of knight in shining armor?” Virgil asked, looking to Janus and still afraid of an answer he didn’t want to hear.

“I saw someone desperate for affection and clearly in a dissociative state alone in a club. I should hope that any human being would help someone like that. I’m not a knight in shining armor,” Janus rolled his eyes.

“Well, you are to me. I know I don’t remember you, or really anything that night, but I think you said some things to me that might have clicked somewhere in me, maybe? Maybe it was what Remus and Logan said, too. But it just sort of… I don’t know. I…” Virgil took a deep breath. “While I was locked up and panicking. I just suddenly knew that it was wrong. And It wasn’t the first time I was in there. I think something changed, and you helped. So, I really appreciate you taking care of me, even if I don’t know what happened,”

“I can tell you... if you think you’re okay to talk about that night,” Janus said and looked to Virgil. Virgil nodded and stroked Beeps. “I saw you abandoned and I couldn’t stomach letting you be. I got permission to treat your wounds and did so while trying to ground you by asking questions. You were too out of it to try to help get away that night and I didn’t know your situation, so I wanted to help you through a friend. When I asked you if I could talk to Remus about helping you, you said something concerning that made me realize you were even more vulnerable and at-risk then I thought. It was very distressing. I would have abducted you from the club that night if I had any idea what would happen after you got home,” Janus said, reaching up with his other hand to rub his shoulder.

“I doubt I would have gone willingly,” Virgil chuckled dryly. “So… and I really don’t mean this as offensive, but it kind of is. I just can’t help but think of the worst-case scenario,” Virgil started nervously.

“I get it, go ahead,” Janus nodded.

“You didn’t see me and think you wanted to take me as your own sub because I was vulnerable?” Virgil asked, very ashamed for ever accusing him of something like that.

“No, Virgil. I saw you and saw myself in you and I had to change things. I could have never have lived with myself if I walked away,” Janus reassured him. “You lived a worst-case scenario. I can’t blame you for trying to keep an eye out for another one,” Janus smiled, and he sounded like he really meant it. “Virgil, would you like to go dancing with me?” He asked, looking hopeful. “You said you used to enjoy it and it’s something you haven’t done since you were freed. We can go buy you a new dancing outfit beforehand,” Janus offered.

“That sounds _suspiciously_ like a date,” Virgil raised his eyebrow at Janus, feeling nervous for an additional reason.

“It can be if you’re interested. You _seem_ interested, with all the staring at me. Your friends seem to think you’re interested. Patton was pushing me into Beeps on the couch,” Janus laughed. “I don’t mind if you’re more comfortable staying friends. I enjoy being around you, I think you have a wonderful presence,”

“Um, thanks... You noticed me staring?” Virgil blushed at the compliment and being caught in his quiet pining. “Thanks for never making me feel stupid by calling me out,”

“I don’t mind being flattered by a celestial being like you,” Janus smirked and Virgil dropped his face right into Beeps fur in embarrassment. “I think you have an otherworldly inner strength. Would you like to dance with me?”

“Janus, I… I do like you. I’m just worried about… _expectations_ … on multiple levels. I can never, ever be in the scene again. And I know that’s something you’re interested in. But I can’t. It puts me in a dangerous place. And I hate that it’s another thing he took from me, but I can’t take it back,” Virgil said dourly and pressed his face into Beeps for a moment before looking back to Janus. Janus waited patiently for Virgil to finish grounding himself before he talked again.

“Virgil, I want to _kiss_ you, not do things that aren’t polite to mention in public. I don’t need those things from anybody. It’s just a hobby and an interest in the fashion,” Janus insisted, flipping his hand dismissively. 

“Well, what about _putting up_ with me? Because you’d have to. There’s no getting around it. I’m fucked up. I don’t have baggage, I’ve got a whole shipping pod down by the docks,” Virgil motioned out with his hands and quickly held back on to Beeps.

“I can’t tell you I can sort through it, but I can be there for you while you do. I’ve been around you for a few months now. I don’t have expectations that suddenly some affection will erase what was done to you. I’m simply in awe of you and I’d like to be around you more. If you’re saying you would like to see me more casually, I’m fine with that, too. I’m sure I have things to learn about your needs and boundaries, but they should never be a deal-breaker for anyone. You and I know more than others that personal limits are important and need to be respected, and they’re not just for sex,” Janus said reassuringly, but Virgil didn't feel much better. 

“What if I can’t have _sex_? What if it gives me a _flashback_?” Virgil asked, feeling upset with himself.

“I find you attractive, but I’m not an _animal_. I have a perfectly functional hand if the desire arises,” Janus scoffed. “I won’t ever ask you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. Perhaps this is presumptuous, but I wouldn’t think you’d even _want_ to right now. You still need time to heal. I can quite literally still see the scars,” Janus said empathetically.

“I mean you in those clothes that fit preposterously well give me other ideas, but you’re not wrong. I like the idea in abstract, but if I even think of anything more concrete, I know I don’t want that,” Virgil admitted quietly.

“Speaking of clothes that fit well, it’s wonderful to see _you_ wearing your clothes instead of your clothes wearing _you_. I would also say that the shirt you’re wearing fits preposterously well,” Janus laughed lightly and Virgil blushed. “There are plenty of other ways to be intimate or affectionate and they’re all wonderful. I think you deserve more affection, and I would like to be the one to give it to you. Just to try it, just to see, let me take you on a date? A no pressure, no expectations, no strings attached date?” Janus asked again, holding Virgil carefully and smiling at him with a heart-melting smile.

“I can back out or reschedule if I’m having a bad day?” Virgil asked carefully, feeling a little hopeful.

“Right. And if you’re uncomfortable at any time I will take you home, no questions asked other than checking if you are okay,” Janus reaffirmed.

“Okay,” Virgil looked down and nodded slightly. “No expectations, just to see,” Virgil said softly.

“Good. I’m told I’m a bastard, so be ready for that,” Janus laughed.

“You? You’ve been nothing but nice to me for months!” Virgil said incredulously.

“Because I don’t kick a man while they’re down, Virgil. As I said, I’m not an animal. I hope you like sarcasm and sweet nothings,” Janus smiled and squeezed Virgil’s shoulder’s less but leaned in more.

“I’m happy with sarcasm but the sweet nothings will be new,” Virgil smiled softly and raked his fingers through Beep’s fur. “Should we get back to that walk?”

“I wouldn’t be bothered if you wanted to hold hands,” Janus smirked and Virgil rolled his eyes. They got up and Virgil took his hand lightly after dusting the dog fur off himself.

“Lead us back home, Beeps,” Virgil commanded and Beeps started trotting along.

“That must have been hard to train,” Janus mused.

“We wanted her to be able to take me home if I dissociated while I was on a walk. We haven’t walked every possible route but she should be able to lead me in most situations,” Virgil said and squeezed Janus’s hand. “She certainly knows how to get to the park and back, anyway. You don’t mean dancing at a club, right?” Virgil asked suspiciously.

“Putting you in a tight and loud room where Beeps would struggle to help you is an _infallible_ plan, surely. I was thinking something more low-key with a candle-lit dinner involved,” Janus said off-handedly.

“Are you trying to force-feed me?” Virgil laughed.

“ _Somebody_ has to,” Janus shrugged.

“I swear Pat’s got a calorie counter for me on his phone,” Virgil huffed.

“I’ll make sure to tell him what you order then,” Janus smiled.

“Don’t encourage him,” Virgil scoffed.

“Then I’ll just have to encourage you. Your eyes are _stunning_ in the streetlights,” Janus cooed and Virgil blushed again. “I could get used to seeing that,”

“Well, you’ll have to, because if I had any idea how to stop it I would have ages ago,” Virgil, feeling embarrassed. “A little blood pumping never hurt anybody, I guess,”

“That’s not _a little_ , Virgil, but you can always tell me to dial it back,” Janus offered.

“No, it’s a nice change of pace, I think,” Virgil smiled up to Janus. “But if you’re a bastard, I expect to eat my words,” Virgil said with a challenge in his voice.

“Who do you take me for? It would be _my honor_ to make you blush so hard you have to tell me to shut up,” Janus said cheerily, posing with his fingers splayed on his chest.

“Shut up,” Virgil smirked.

“You _wound_ me, sir,” Janus smiled back. They chuckled airily together for a moment. Virgil sighed contentedly and watched Beeps lead them for a bit.

“They’re going to be _insufferable_ if we tell them,” Virgil groaned after a moment of consideration. Janus squeezed his hand.

“I suppose we’ll see if it’s physically possible to die from blushing too hard, then,” Janus mused. “They will be insufferable either way, we went for a walk alone,”

“Oh, _god_ , you’re right,” Virgil groaned and clenched Janus’s hand. “Which one of us punches the other in the face to throw them off the trail?” Virgil asked.

“I punch myself in the face,” Janus said sagely. “I don’t want to see you hurt,”

“With those arms? Please. It won’t be believable. Maybe I should punch you in the face,” Virgil grinned mischievously.

“I don’t want to see _me_ hurt either, Virgil,” Janus groaned in discomfort.

“ _Beeps_ punches me in the face,” Virgil offered.

“Will that throw anyone off the trail?” Janus asked incredulously.

“It would be adorable,” Virgil nodded. “If we distract Patton we distract the lot,”

“I suppose it’s worth trying,” Janus said, sounding bemused.

“That’s what my therapist tells me,” Virgil shrugged.

“Yes, please tell him about your hair-brained plan the next appointment, I’d _love_ to hear about what he has to say about it,” Janus said sarcastically.

“If it works, you’ll be eating your words,” Virgil said smugly.

“I’ll buy you two new outfits if I do,” Janus offered playfully.

“Isn’t that still you getting something you want?” Virgil asked suspiciously.

“It’s a win-win scenario,” Janus smiled softly. 

“I like those odds,” Virgil squeezed Janus’s hand again and smiled back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **you made it you crazy bastard** Virgil's on the road to healing see some of y'all in part II when I finish it
> 
> Okay, this stuff is from the notes I took when I was writing this trash fire and I clearly used the concepts but like I regret never getting to use this dialogue:  
>  _Janus asks if Virgil is okay and if he needs some care and Virgil's like “Zi doesn’t take care of the toys, I do" and Janus is like what? What are you talking about? Oh. Oh. That’s fucked up._  
>  and my favourite:  
>  _“Good subs don’t safeword”_  
>  “Logan how fast can you make a bomb” 
> 
> Also originally the keychain and the hoodie from chapter one had more abuse subplots with them you're welcome for not writing them out and extending Virgil's suffering. there was also a subplot about Virgil making scarves but Zillah got him to quit before I could use it.

**Author's Note:**

> **♪[Break Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/17jdndRy9Q7F6COOvHieTM?si=o6VI7pQ3TbOsZKRADvGNQw) ♪**
> 
> I mean it's heavy on unacceptable content so I really don't anticipate comments or kudos. Because who wants to admit they read this stuff? But if you want to incoherently scream or rant at Zi for being an abuser please go ahead, it'll make my day. There will be a part II and an alternate ending. (if those aren't out yet check the discord for teasers) Subscribe to the series if you're interested in updates.
> 
> [Story Discord Server](https://discord.gg/ThcDBSP)
> 
> This entire story was written deliriously to [Another Place - Bastille (feat. The Chamber Orchestra Of London)](https://soundcloud.com/bastilleuk/another-place-feat-the-chamber) and the chapter titles are after it.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Red](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760238) by [chemically_imbalanced_romance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemically_imbalanced_romance/pseuds/chemically_imbalanced_romance)




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